The importance of differentiation for coexistence as a couple

Coexistence as a couple is one of the spaces that people share, and as in any space of human interaction conflicts arise, and in many cases it is due to each member of the couple joins the relationship, with experiences from their family of origin, considering that this is the "best" way to build the new family, and at the same time forgetting the passage of stop being a child (no longer emotionally dependent on the family of origin) without differentiating themselves from their family of origin, so each one tries to impose those mandates and beliefs on their new family.

all this, gradually, it generates difficulties in the couple, misunderstandings, mutual anger and over time they wear down the relationship. Hence the importance that the couple should receive support, to identify the mandates that they bring from their families of origin, the can negotiate, with your current partner, and in this way, build your own customs, habits and traditions in the new family.

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Conflicts due to lack of differentiation

This article aims to reflect on the influence that the lack of differentiation of the members of a couple in the resolution of their conflicts, this from the fact that both maintain the teachings and learning of their families of origin, without giving themselves the option of generating their own relational structures of coexistence, but you are, are undermined by previous learning that, if they are important, but prevent the own development of the couple, since it does not allow them to face and resolve the daily conflicts that arise, which prevents them from consolidating as a couple that is building their family.

One of the requirements of living together as a couple is the emancipation of the family of origin, process that occurs from the process of differentiation of the self from the family, that is, generating emotional and economic autonomy. Without "ceasing to be a child" (especially when emotionality is not linked to the family of origin) the possibilities of being a couple, conforming and consolidating your own couple and family will be difficult, because you do not give yourself the opportunity to learn new things, which implies being in couple. If these aspects do not occur, difficulties in the construction and consolidation of being a couple will gradually appear.

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The concept of differentiation of the self

This concept is related to the degree to which a person differs emotionally from the father and mother, who can make decisions without having the approval of her parents, that they can carry out activities despite the fact that they do not agree and their bond is not affected, but their decisions are accepted and they do not want it or allow themselves to be manipulated by the family of origin.

People who have achieved differentiation from their family of origin are able to engage in healthy, pleasant and successful interpersonal relationships, perhaps because they have developed a secure attachment style, which allows them to recognize spaces and relationships pathological spaces and relationships, which is why they will seek to support the former and distance themselves from the latter. others.

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Success in preja and differentiation

In order to achieve the success of a couple, it is vital that there be a separation from the family of origin, which is established when the children are adolescents, because the reproductive need arises in them, forcing them to look outside the family for someone who is willing to satisfy your sexual demands. Thus, when the children allow themselves to leave their family system of origin towards the encounter of new interpersonal relationships, they can establish pleasant loving bonds.

In this way, the beginning of a conjugal relationship consists of the meeting of two complete strangers, leaving aside this thought of two incomplete people who hope to complete themselves with their partner, which can lead them to failure. Hence, each member of the couple must recognize what they think, feel and act in their relationship and how they have built the meanings of emotional and behavioral exchanges as a couple, and which ones can generate suffering and distance.

For it family histories can be used, which in one way or another are present in the daily life of the couple and in the resolution of conflicts. If the members of the couple do not recognize the importance of the differentiation of themselves; which is the emancipation of the nuclear family, to be able to form and build their own family, based on their beliefs, learning, personal expectations, more than those that were founded by the families of origin.

Conflicts in the couple will continue and will increase, leading the couple to divorce, violent situations or sustaining an unsatisfactory relationship, just because of what they will say.

It is made clear that the couple is not left free or alien to the conflict, only that when a conflict, problem or other factor arises that alters the proper coexistence, it can be faced and resolved. without hurting the relationship, but rather strengthening and consolidating it; that is, each discussion in the couple, instead of driving them away, should bring them closer, because a topic, situation, or idea that has been resolved should not arise again as a difficulty later on.

In this way, in order to achieve the differentiation process, strategies are being developed that make it possible to face cohabitation as a couple in such a way that it is more harmonious, symmetrical, respectful of oneself and of the identity of the other, maintain an intense emotional relationship and recognizing themselves as individual beings from their family of origin, who are building something together and in their own way. This does not mean moving away from the family of origin, but recognizing that they are as a couple, in the construction of something of their own, something that should have its own habits, customs and ways of functioning.