The sandwich technique: the least assertive way to criticize?

The sandwich technique is one of the most famous psychological tools, and the most used.

You only have to put the name in any Internet search engine, and you will get thousands and thousands of results in blogs on psychology, emotional intelligence, communication, sales, marketing, etc. However... does it really work?

• Related article: "The 28 types of communication and their characteristics"

What is the sandwich technique?

The famous sandwich technique It is used when we want to communicate criticism or ask someone to change their behavior. Because we don't want the other person to get offended or defensive, we "wrap" the original message in other good things about the person, before and after the main message.

For example:

It is clear that you are a person who is very committed to your work, but I think that sometimes you can be a little too strict with your colleagues, and that makes us feel overwhelmed; I'm sure you'll improve it right away, but you're a crack, and we all like you great.

It is an easy technique to explain and easy to remember, and a very good way to be more assertive and improve our people skills.

Disadvantages when applying it to communication

In many cases of therapy, it is a very good technique for people who have special difficulties to say "no" o set clear limits in potential abusive situations (in the family, at work, as a couple, etc.).

Now, not everything is rosy with the famous sandwich technique. In this article I tell you how on some occasions, the sandwich technique can be the worst way to be assertive.

Fosters fear of criticism

Using the sandwich technique implies that you believe that your original message is bad. Are reviews always negative? This is a basic assumption of the technique.

Since I believe that making a criticism or request for behavior change to another person is annoying or even aggressive in itself, I think that I "need" to camouflage my original message among a bunch of bread. Is criticism without bread always destructive?

Divert attention from what we really want to say. Is that assertiveness?

I have known people who are really obsessed with the sandwich technique, and they can be very overwhelming to deal with.

They have to constantly spin almost everything, always worried about the thousand ways in which the other person could take their messages the wrong way.

You can end up overthinking it, trying to divert attention from your original message, and wasting both people's time on top of that.

Isn't this another form of passivity that the assertive communication style tries to avoid? We can show our latent social awkwardness if we abuse the sandwich.

• You may be interested in: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

constant fear of rejection

Obsessing with always using the sandwich technique can also indicate that we have a lot of fear of possible rejection by the other person, and also worry a lot about it.

How do I start? Shall I tell him that the clothes he's wearing today fit him very well? But what if I seem too shallow? I'd better start by congratulating him on the presentation he made last month, which we still remember, and then I'll tell him about the dismissal, and I'll end with the fact that we've loved working with him, but what...

The truth is that, putting so much effort into the way of "dressing" our message, we can be equally perceived as artificial, superficial, fake. It can also indicate the belief that if the other person is offended, it is the sender's responsibility.

The truth is that, often, no matter how much sugar we add to something, it is the other person's business to receive the message with maturity and a cool head. And no matter how many layers of bread and pillows we put, the other person can be offended and angry just the same.

It's just not up to us how the other person takes things. That is its own process.

people are not glass

Another basic assumption of the technique is that people always feel bad about suggestions for improvement., and that to be a good communicator or a very assertive person, we have to sweeten everything.

The truth is that constructive criticism can be made from the respect, from the beginning, without "so much bread", and saying things directly.

Of course, depending on the context and the history we have with that person, it will be very useful to "soften" the ground and do our part so that the other person does not get defensive (if it is a particularly sensitive issue).

Now, it is not mandatory. What's more, sometimes they will thank us very much for having "got to the point". I insist, direct criticism can be made in a very respectful way, without the need to wrap everything in bubble wrap.

Sometimes the sandwich technique is simply not necessary to have a conversation between two adults, who know that they do not have to take certain criticisms as personal attacks.

Psychotherapy online and in Valencia

If you think that the way you communicate is worsening your quality of life, the best thing you can do is stop reading articles and take action by going to therapy. If you want to make an appointment with me, visit this page.