Absorbing relationships: what to do and how to recognize them

Relationships tend to be an aspect of affective life marked by the intensity of emotions involved. It is normal that on a daily basis you spend a lot of time thinking about your partner or about experiences linked to it, even when you are not there. However, there are limits to everything, and sometimes these emotional ties translate into habits and routines that demand too much of oneself.

In this article we will talk about absorbing relationships, what are the characteristics that allow them to be detected and what type of solution can each of the problems it raises (although in some cases the most reasonable solution is to end the relationship, as we will see).

• Related article: "The power struggle in couple relationships"

Absorbent relationships: what are they like?

It is normal for people involved in a relationship to notice from time to time certain tensions when it comes to living while maintaining that special affective bond. Ultimately, have a romantic bondrequires, to a greater or lesser extent, accepting a commitment.

Shared obligations and responsibilities make the prospect of making sacrifices in the present to be with the other person in the long term efforts reasonable, and as being in a couple requires time and certain resources, this does not always fit with what each member, separately, wants in the here and there. now.

However, it is one thing to invest what is reasonable in the relationship and express to the other that we have their interests in mind, and another is not being able to have life because of the constant demands linked (at least, apparently) to that link loving. It is at that point that absorbing relationships appear.

An absorbing relationship is, in short, a relational dynamic between two or more people in which there is either a clear asymmetry and one of the members you have to sacrifice a lot to meet each other's demands, or all the people involved have to put all their efforts and time into the relationship, constantly, and with great effort. But this definition is somewhat ambiguous, so let's see what are the usual characteristics of these relationships.

1. You have to wait many days to have time alone

Each person has different needs when it comes to needing to be alone more or less frequently, but it is normal and healthy not to have to wait days to be able to do it (starting from the moment in which the desire to reserve a moment for oneself arises same).

In some cases, the members of the couple have a distorted view of reality, according to which both form something like a super-organism made up of two people who can never be separated and must share everything. Trying to follow that principle is exhausting and frustrating in the vast majority of cases. Even those who are most in love tend to require moments to do things of their interest without the interference of others.

• You may be interested in: "This is the personality of those who love loneliness and are not afraid of being single"

2. No time to see friends

The fact of starting a relationship does not imply leaving friends aside. These friendship ties, which many times have been around for years, are something very valuable, but some people they believe that in love relationships they are expected not to attend to this kind of personal ties considered "peripherals". There are cases, even, in which it is taken for granted that staying with these people without going with your partner, or without telling them beforehand, it's a betrayal, something that obviously discourages this kind of meeting.

This not only makes these friendships languish over time. In addition, it generates isolation, which leads to a vicious circle: all the time is dedicated to the couple because there is no one else to meet and do things or launch interesting projects.

3. It is about changing the personality to fit with the other

There is nothing wrong with trying to improve in some aspects, but there are cases in which the members of an absorbing relationship, or one of them, intend to modify the entire structure of her own personality in order to fit perfectly with your partner, to the point of trying to develop hobbies for which you do not feel genuine interest, adopts an artificial pose and attitude that does not correspond to one's own identity, etc

In short, it is one thing to improve aiming for a goal that has real meaning for oneself, and another is to take as reference what is believed that the other person expects and make efforts to become that, only for the supposed good of the relationship.

4. Passive-aggressive attitudes are adopted on their own initiative

In many demanding relationships, breaking certain rules is frowned upon that, while technically of no real value, are considered important because they have to do with being together.

It is not that they are elements with a symbolic value associated with an important event (for example, going to the movies on the birthday of the relationship, just as it was done on the first date), but it is assumed that those rules should not be broken because otherwise involves individual thinking outside of the couple.

For example, going to work in the office instead of doing it on the sofa at home with your boyfriend or girlfriend or, in a less extreme case, spending a Friday going to a concert without the other person because they don't want to go.

In these cases, passive aggressive attitudes function in practice as a punishment without anything wrong having been done in theory.

To do?

In communication and honesty is the key. You need to express your own needs. that oneself has and that do not have to be limited to the scope of the couple, and do it assertively and honest, but not one-sided or cutting, since it is a change in habits that can be delicate and easy to misinterpret if everything that really happens is not explained.

On the other hand, if the other person is not able to respect the fact that you need more space for yourself, this is considered a serious problem that transforms this relational dynamic into a problem. toxic relationship, in which it is easy for abuse to occur (not necessarily physical).