Anxiety about having a partner: what it is and how to overcome it

We live in a world in which it is increasingly common to find people who have anxiety about have a partner, as well as people who feel anxiety when approaching someone or building a relationship couple. Then, within the relationship, the anxiety continues and episodes of jealousy and insecurity arise..

Why is it happening more and more? What is the actual reason? And above all, what is the real solution?

This problem is becoming more and more common because we have not learned to build a functional, stable and secure self-esteem, as well as for not having recovered from painful episodes of the past in relation to the couple that left us with certain ideas, beliefs, attitudes or fears. We are going to see in parts the reason, the solution and how you can start taking the first steps towards your change if this happens to you.

• Related article: "What is anxiety: how to recognize it and what to do"

Anxiety about having a partner

Where does the anxiety with the couple come from (to have a partner or when you have a partner) or the fears when it comes to having a partner?

A relationship is the context of greatest learning of a human being. We are social beings and we tend towards relationships, and in this two people share intimacy, beliefs, values ​​and even identities.

This causes fears, conflicts to arise and a fight between egos to emerge. Each person wants to retain her beliefs, what he thinks he needs, and her idea of ​​what is right or wrong..

In a way, a couple is like a mirror. Each member of the couple is like a mirror for the other, where he reflects his virtues but also his fears and insecurities. For this reason, couples often come into conflict once the first phases of the relationship end.

That is where the great learning from one to the other comes. The couple is then like a daily therapy in which people can get to know each other better and feel stronger and safer.

However, this fear of feeling vulnerable often leads us to have anxiety within the couple. At the same time, the same anxiety towards loneliness (because we believe that it is a reflection of little worth or because we believe that we are not interesting to others) leads certain people to seek a partner frequently, and It is also common for them to make comparisons with others.

This anxiety can also arise because we are afraid of having a partner due to past experiences.

• You may be interested in: "The 14 types of couples: how is your romantic relationship?"

Why does all this happen?

These kinds of problems arise because it has been learned that well-being, and therefore self-esteem, depend on external factors such as the behavior of another person. This creates anxiety and insecurity., since it is a well-being that is not in our hands, but outside. The solution is not to "raise" self-esteem, since self-esteem does not really go up or down ("raising" self-esteem would be equivalent to to inflate the ego), but to build a self-esteem that works, where well-being depends, above all, on internal factors.

The solution: affective independence

Affective independence is not being a lone wolf or being an individualist. All people are dependent to some extent on others, on the context, even on the air we breathe. It is that your well-being, to a large extent, depends on internal factors.

If your actions are independent from the rest and generate well-being by your own means, you will build a life in which you know yourself and can share that well-being with other people. The anxiety of having a partner will disappear, as will the fear of having one.

A process of change

However, achieving this is not easy. It is necessary to live a process of profound change where you learn to build and develop your emotional independence so that your self-esteem really works for you. In human empowerment, online personal development school, you find a free program to take the first steps entitled "Improve yourself".

Although sometimes people need company and experience a complete change process. For this there is "Grow with Affective Independence", a 3-month process to build self-esteem functional and thus enjoy both relationships and life without a partner (whatever your case).

The important thing is that you know that your well-being already depends fundamentally on you. It's about making the decision of where you leave that well-being.