This is how toxic family relationships affect our self-esteem

Self-esteem is one of the psychological elements that define our identity. However, this does not mean that self-esteem arises within us being disconnected from everything around us; on the contrary, it is always connected to the way in which we experience relationships with others. And the more important those relationships are to us, the more she is influenced by them.

Of course, this means that our families have great power in shaping what our self-esteem looks like. Our fathers and mothers may not have the power to directly control how we value ourselves. themselves, but there is no doubt that the way in which they treat us has repercussions on it, regardless of their intentions. From this it follows that toxic family relationships are capable of leaving important consequences in everything related to one's self-esteem; Let's see what happens in these cases.

• Related article: "Family therapy: types and forms of application"

What is self-esteem and why is it influenced by family?

There can be no self-esteem if we have not had previous experiences relating to others. It may seem counterintuitive, but we never value ourselves without taking into account everything we know and have seen about how other members of society treat us. In other words, when we direct our gaze towards our own identity and way of being, we do so by looking at how they talk to us, how much interest they show in being with us, what expectations they have about what we can achieve, etc

So that, self-esteem arises, in large part, from how we interpret the way in which we are treated.

And it is in this aspect where the family gains great importance: it constitutes the first social circle with which we interact, and the one offers us a lifestyle that allows us to learn and explore both the world and human relationships from our first months of life. Of course, it also creates a context in which we learn to link emotions to those spontaneous learning that we carry out during childhood; that is why research in Psychology based on attachment theory suggests that our way of emotionally bonding with our fathers and mothers shape our approach to other human relationships during adolescence and old age adult.

Well then; in the same way that the family predisposes us to maintain a certain philosophy when considering establishing relationships with other peopleIt also predisposes us to prioritize certain ways of interpreting reality by looking at what shapes our self-esteem. Depending on how we have been raised and what we are used to seeing in our home, the same Satisfactory experience can be seen as our merit and the fruit of our effort or, on the contrary, as a coup de luck. And that is why the family context is key when determining whether we will show a tendency to be more pessimistic, more optimistic, or more even-tempered and balanced as we build our self-esteem.

• You may be interested in: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

The effects of toxic family relationships on our self-esteem

As the concept of "toxic relationships" is very broad and heterogeneous, containing a wide variety of problematic dynamics, it cannot be said that they always influence self-esteem in the same way. The fact of having been raised by overprotective and very controlling mothers and fathers is not the same as having suffered the disinterest and negligent treatment of parents.

Even so, there are a series of general trends in the way in which people who have suffered from this type of family experience their self-esteem; Common problems that, although they do not have to occur all at the same time in the same individual, are more common among those who have been through such emotionally painful experiences.

So, let's see what are these forms of discomfort that arise when valuing ourselves after years of living immersed in harmful family relationships.

1. Feelings of guilt for being the disruptive element of families

Some people who have suffered a lot in their family context assume the idea that almost all of these problems were triggered by its birth, since having to raise a baby could push its parents to the limit and mothers. This is an experience in which, while blaming yourself for something that was not under your control (being born), this form of guilt is linked to what is considered to be the very essence, their own identity from the first minutes after childbirth. This paradox makes it very difficult to get rid of this harmful belief if you do not go to psychotherapy.

• Related article: "What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?"

2. Tendency to blame yourself for what happened during your childhood and adolescence

People who have spent years in toxic family relationships have had increased exposure to complicated situations that raise ethical dilemmas, since in their day to day they had to position themselves in the face of conflicts, mental health problems of family members, etc. In this sense, it is common for those who have gone through this to constantly blame themselves by recalling those experiences, without giving importance to the fact. that for a good part of those years they did not have the resources to address these problems in a mature and responsible way, due to their short age.

3. Tendency to assume one's own emotional instability

Many people believe that, because they were raised in family environments marked by constant arguments and avoidable conflicts, they have internalized this emotional instability and will reproduce it in their own relationships with others, making other people feel distance Even if this is not true in practice, maintain a hyper-vigilant attitude and a constant concern for not losing their forms, something that, in many cases, makes them adopt a role of submission in order not to make the health of these relationships rest on their way of behaving, "in case perhaps".

4. Fear of being the target of ridicule and attacks from others

The almost constant experience of fear is another form of discomfort that most limits the proper development of self-esteem; the person who adopts an avoidant attitude In addition, due to what he has seen in his family, he pays more attention to what he should not do to avoid what others come across in your life, what you can do and have done before to improve your situation. This causes people to whom this happens to miss opportunities for years, something that in turn impairs their capacity for personal development and self-realization.

• You may be interested in: "What is fear? Characteristics of this emotion"

Do you want to have professional psychological assistance?

If you are interested in going to psychotherapy to address problems of a family type or related to self-esteem, please contact me.

Am Dove King Cardona, General Health Psychologist, and I offer therapy sessions in person or online by video call. I serve people of all ages.