Cognitive distortions in couple relationships

When we start a love relationship, fears and doubts usually arise. Many times, we come from past relationships that have left us a little touched. Perhaps we have been cheated on, or we have simply stopped loving the other person and the relationship has come to an end.

All this is common and should not worry us excessively. But, what happens when we have a partner and we are constantly distressed, to the point that our perception of things is altered? Why is that? In this article we will talk about cognitive distortions in couple relationships.

• Related article: "Dysfunctional couple relationships: 10 warning signs"

Beck's cognitive distortions

Aaron Beck was a researcher who put a lot of emphasis on the way we think and process informationespecially in depression. He told us about cognitive distortions, that is, systematic biases in information processing after events of loss or deprivation. Thus, these events are valued in an exaggerated way as something global, frequent and irreversible.

cognitive distortions produce emotional disturbance, and therefore Beck gave them a fundamental role in the origin and maintenance of depression. Furthermore, he defended the idea that information processing is guided by cognitive schemata. These schemes guide the perception, encoding, storage and retrieval of information, that is, they act as cognitive filters.

Cognitive distortions appear in many other clinical conditions, such as anxiety disorders, other mood disorders, and personality disorders. However, they also appear -and very frequently- in the non-clinical population (without diagnosable disorders), as we will see below.

• You may be interested in: "Cognitive schemes: how is our thought organized?"

Cognitive distortions in couple relationships

When we start a relationship or have been in it for a long time, cognitive distortions can appear. These alter the way we have to live the relationship, to relate to the other person, and can end up damaging the relationship.

Thus, cognitive distortions in couple relationships are usually unconscious and we do not know that they are there guiding our interpretation of things. They affect us in the way we see ourselves as part of the couple, and they harm our self-esteem and our self-concept.

Cognitive distortions contain wrong information, and we must be careful with them. Cultural heritage and education have an important weight in its genesis within love relationships, since these two elements have largely guided the perception we have of life.

Some of the most common cognitive distortions in couple relationships are the following.

"Without you I am nothing"

Consists in to think that if the couple leaves us we will sinkBecause it is an essential part of our lives. This is a categorical and deterministic thought, which makes us live the relationship with anxiety and with a tremendous fear of losing our partner.

According to Beck's terminology, it is a magnification, and consists of evaluating a situation by increasing its magnitude or significance.

It is a thought that increases dependency on partner and that is totally false. If before meeting that person we could live perfectly and be happy, why is it different now?

• You may be interested in: "Emotional dependence: pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

“My partner must do everything for me”

Believing that the other person is a magical being that has come to save us from something, or to remedy our neuras, is an absurd and very common thought. Having it increases frustration and makes us become demanding and dependent on the person we love.

The partner does not have to be a servant or maid for us. A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship where both parties contribute. The other is not always going to satisfy our desires, and we should not expect it to be like that either.

We must be careful with the "musts", since they usually contain unsatisfied needs that we try to cover in any way possible.

"If he is jealous it is because he loves me"

Jealousy is a very dangerous weapon in relationships. This statement is based on a cognitive distortion that leads us to experience the other's jealousy as something good and logical within the relationship, even as something necessary, as a sign of love.

Precisely jealousy denotes the opposite, that is, insecurities, fear of losing the other person and low self-esteem. A functional relationship will always be based on trust, respect and freedom.

It is an arbitrary inference, that is, reaching a conclusion without evidence to support it or with evidence to the contrary. In this case, we attribute being jealous to something good, when it is precisely the opposite.

Treatment: cognitive restructuring techniques

Cognitive restructuring is a form of psychotherapeutic intervention employed by Aaron Beck., among others, which aims to make dysfunctional beliefs functional and modify cognitive distortions. Some of his techniques are as follows.

• Daily record of automatic thoughts: allow the patient to realize her dysfunctional thoughts. Used in the first sessions.
• Technique of the three columns: allows to identify distortions and modify cognitions.
• reality check: experiments for the patient to describe and analyze reality more adequately.
• Reattribution: allows analyzing the causes that may have contributed to a specific event to reduce guilt.