We don't always have what we deserve, but we do have what we build

When talking about all those elements that affect mental health, many times the focus is exclusively on objective events that happen to people: a dismissal from work, a car accident, the birth of the first child, the transfer to live in another country…

This way of seeing things, although it can help identify many relevant aspects that influence the emotional well-being of the individual, offers an incomplete picture of things. Because? Because mental health is closely linked to the way in which we interpret what happens around us or what happens to us. Thus, the same fact can generate a strong guilty feeling that comes to paralyze us, or, on the contrary, a source of extra motivation to continue improving in something.

And this fact connects with one of the most relevant issues when understanding someone's way of thinking (and feeling): Does that person believe that the good or bad that happens to him happens because of something that he has done? This is the question we will delve into in this article.

Do I have what I deserve?

There are those who, through their way of analyzing what happens to them on a day-to-day basis, suffer self esteem problems because they focus on the question: do I have what I really deserve? This way of thinking leads us to interpret the result of our actions in a deeply emotional way, since The concept "deserve" belongs to the field of moral assessment, something capable of stirring up very intense feelings in us.

In this context, that very generic "I have" invites us to try to cover our entire life and our identity up to the present, as if our history could be summarized in an element that we possess or do not possess: a number in the bank account, a house owned, a certain model of family…

Definitely, attempts to come to a conclusion about whether we get what we deserve are too limiting to be useful to us and to do good to our mental health: by inviting us to adopt responses as extreme and biased, it is very easy for us to martyr ourselves with this issue, especially taking into account that:

• There is no direct correspondence between the efforts we put into a project and its results, luck is a relevant element.
• The idea of ​​deserving or not deserving something leads us to mismanage frustration: in the form of guilt or in the form of anger towards society or life in general.

So, from the point of view of proper management of emotions, it is best to assume that either the answer to "I have what I deserve" is always a “no” because bad luck exists, or else the question is too biased in the first place and predisposed to lead us into the fallacy of Nirvana, comparing our current life with that of an alternate universe in which everything would have gone as planned or even better.

Does this mean that it is not worth the effort or taking responsibility for our actions? Not at all, but we must do it from a slightly different perspective.

• Related article: "What is the locus of control?"

you have what you build

The idea that what we get through our efforts is a series of situations that give us opportunities is much more useful than trying to assess whether or not we deserve everything that we happens. Thus, it is advisable to naturally assume that we do not have what we deserve, but we do have what we have built. By adopting habits and routines to take control (as far as possible) of our life and professional projects, we create a base from which we can make good use of both our ability to learn from our mistakes and the little bits of good luck that come our way from time to time without our knowing it. let's wait

Where is this? First of all, to take responsibility for what we do, so that in this way we are able to detect where we failed and how we can remedy it to prevent future similar problems.

Secondly, you have to know how to distinguish between giving up things, on the one hand, and procrastinating, on the other. While the former can help us to take care of ourselves while we strive to achieve goals that we consider more relevant than what we we leave behind, the second is a way of not facing something that makes us feel bad and that we try to leave postponed over and over again so as not to think about it.

Thirdly, to detect in time the thoughts-trap and the excuses that we make to ourselves not to take the step of going from wishes to facts, experimenting and assuming a certain degree of risk; for this, it is necessary to develop self knowledge.

And in a certain place, not valuing our Self of the past from the perspective and values ​​of the Self of the present; it is very easy to cruelly judge ourselves in the stage in which we did not take great risks if, for example, we did not have the economic stability that we enjoy today. Seeing our present situation as the result of a construction invites us to interpret our past as part of a process, instead of as an incomplete version of the present.

• You may be interested in: "Personal Development: 5 reasons for self-reflection"

Take responsibility for what we do... And what we feel?

As we have seen, a sense of responsibility is key. But… should this include what we feel, or only what we do deliberately?

The truth is that although our emotions and feelings are not usually the result of decisions made consciously, we should also take responsibility for our emotional side, although in a somewhat different. It is not about feeling guilty for feeling something that is socially frowned upon or that we consider to be in conflict with our values, but Nor can we deny that reality or pretend that it is not there, influencing our actions to a greater or lesser extent..

We must avoid dismissing them as if they were the direct result of what others do to us, or of breaking certain rules: If there is something that worries us about the way in which we emotionally react to certain situations, we must take action before it.

• Related article: "Self-motivation: what it is and how to enhance it"

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