Hate between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: what to do to manage it?

When we mention the word "mother-in-law" there are many negative stereotypes that come to mind. We imagine an old lady, specifically a maruja who feels a great need to interfere in the affairs of her son and her partner.

It is true that this stereotyped image does not always have to be fulfilled but, let's be honest, the relationship between most daughters-in-law with their mothers-in-law is not usually that of a deep friendship. It is not surprising since they are two women who are not friends or blood family, but people who have in common that they love the same man.

Although those times are long gone when our husband's mother could well compete in a broomstick-flying contest, today there are many cases of profound hate between mother in law and daughter in law. Below we will discover the reasons for this common scuffle and we will see a couple of tips to ease the situation.

• Related article: "5 ways to resolve a conflict effectively"

Hate between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: where can it come from?

Many times, when hearing the word "mother-in-law" we cannot help but imagine a stereotypical vision of a female figure already well into her years. Although in our lives we have had one, the media, our relatives and popular culture itself we have been instilled with an image of the mother-in-law as an unpleasant person. We may imagine her as the typical neighborhood maruja or as a well-dressed and somewhat posh lady, but she doesn't care about her appearance, We imagine the figure of the mother-in-law as someone who, if she had her, would have no qualms about telling us how badly we are doing.

Despite the fact that there are many mother-in-law jokes and that she is often the butt of jokes, it must be said that the idea that one has of them is still just that, an idea. We are aware that not all of them are like that and that what they have sold us as authentic witches are nothing more than clichés and stereotypes like the ones we have of any individual. However, despite knowing all this, there are not a few women who, upon meeting the mother of the boyfriend or her husband, discover someone who, more than support, will become an obstacle.

Yes ok the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not something generalized, having as a general rule a more or less pleasant relationship, it can be said that in general the relationship between them does not become as deep as that of a friendship. According to research carried out by Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist specializing in dynamics and family relationships, about 60% of women see their partner's mother as a hostile figure, difficult to relationship. On the other hand, 55% of mothers-in-law feel uncomfortable with their son's partner.

Of course, the statistics come to confirm that the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is difficult, tense, and may escalate, even coming to blows. However, these statistics simply confirm that there is a bad relationship, but not the reason for it. It is ironic that two people who want the best for the one they love, the son-husband, can come to hate each other so much. What makes this happen?

Why do they get along?

Although naturally not all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have a bad relationship, it is true that their interactions can be some of the most tense. Despite sharing the desire for the best for the same man, the mother-in-law's son and the daughter-in-law's boyfriend or husband, this nexus of love towards this person can become the reason for the most staunch hatred between these two women. When explaining why this happens, it is necessary to clarify that here we are going to talk about heterosexual relationships and the women involved. Talking about the relationship between father-in-law and son-in-law is different, although it also tends to be somewhat tense.

The main reason for disagreements between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is how the mother-in-law, that woman who has been taking care of her son for more than 20 years, whom she continues to see as her little man, she is going to be replaced by another younger woman. She feels displaced, many times not being able to avoid that her “useful life” has ended, that she is nothing more than an old woman who must make way for another woman who will be able to compensate her son. This is something that, despite being part of life, does not tend to be very well accepted at first.

Related to this same reason, the mother-in-law cannot avoid trying to reintroduce herself into the life of her son and her partner. She needs to see how things are being done, if the woman who has entered the life of her son is up to the task. This is where the nosy behaviors begin, the meddling and checking how well and, above all, how badly that girl she doesn't trust anything is doing. This in itself should not necessarily be a source of conflict, since if the daughter-in-law did everything is fine or she didn't care, she would end up seeing something in the concern of her partner's mother logical.

The problem is that in most cases this does not happen. Both women interpret the presence of the other as an invasion of their territory. On the one hand we have the mother, who sees in the daughter-in-law a woman who is displacing her, her substitute, or someone who is going to take away her much-loved son. On the other hand, we have the couple who sees her mother-in-law as a nasty busybody rather than just a worried woman, a pest who has come here to hinder the relationship, to sabotage her happiness and that of her son.

These thoughts, which in most cases are unfounded and the product of the bad idea we have of mothers-in-law in our culture, is a very bad start. They both tense up, ready to attack, ready for whatever the other party says. A simple comment about whether the dishes are not completely clean or that one cooks better than the other can be interpreted as the deepest of offenses. We should not think that this is part of the "female mentality" or anything like that, but the culture and the situation itself arouse this type of behavior in these two people.

Another of the reasons why this tension arises is the idea that the mother-in-law had of who she was going to be her future daughter-in-law. Every father who loves his son wants him to come out with the best. On more than one occasion, mothers imagine the perfect woman, the one she really wants for her son (who is not the one who can make her son happy). Upon meeting his offspring's new partner and seeing how he doesn't meet her expectations, he can't help but be disappointed and even exaggerate her flaws or try to change her. Trying to “improve” your son's girlfriend is perceived as a personal attack by both the girlfriend and the son.

However, sooner or later he will have to assume that her son is dating that woman, however far she may be from his expectations of the perfect woman. Once they are already dating or even having married and had children, There are other reasons why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can get worse if there has been the very bad luck that positions have not been approached.. Among these causes we can find:

• Interference that affects the independence of the marriage.
• Meddling in parenting, openly saying that she doesn't raise her grandchildren well.
• Want to participate in financial affairs.
• Maintain a dependency relationship with the child, even when already married.
• Not being objective with the child's mistakes or difficulties that affect the couple.
• Not feeling valued enough (both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law)

How damaging is a very bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

As we mentioned, a tense relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not uncommon, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. It is normal for two people who are neither friends nor blood relatives to feel uncomfortable having to share the life of someone they love., his partner and son. However, if the relationship is very bad, both the marriage and the family relations of the husband will be affected.

Both parties, the couple, represented in the figure of the girlfriend or wife, and the family, represented by her mother, will reproach him for not having positioned himself.

Although son-husband, partner and mother make up a triangular structure, many more people can be involved in the conflict, children being especially vulnerable if there are any. They will find themselves in the dilemma of supporting their mother or their paternal grandmother, situation to which no child should be involved. Children are children and need solid support figures, the more the merrier. Making them choose and narrowing their family circle means depriving them of the experiences and love of people who love them, hurting both them and those same people.

For many reasons that she has the daughter-in-law, depending on what aspects, the fact of having confronted her husband against her own mother she will make him frustrated with her marriage, which she will see as separate from the woman who brought him into the world and she raised her. As for her mother, if he is making her move away from her partner, he will see in her a woman who does not let him breathe, who cuts his wings of independence and that more than wanting him to be happy, what she does is just think of herself in her almost pathological fear of lose it.

Be that as it may, everyone's mental health is cracking, and really the only person who has a little leeway is the couple. She is the one who decides if she prefers to continue living in a bad relationship with the mother of her partner or, if not, she runs away from her. After all, a couple is the decision of two people and, seeing that it is very difficult for the man to get rid of an overprotective mother, it is a matter of time before the woman decides to leave. The mother, as a rule, will try to be on top of her son. He will rarely stop talking to her for dating this woman, although she will report him doing so.

• You may be interested in: "Family therapy: types and forms of application"

What can be done in the face of this conflict?

What we first want to highlight about the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is that, if it has reached such an extreme, you should go to a professional, specifically a psychologist specialized in family dynamics and offer family therapy. The situation is serious and expert help is required before it worsens and a marriage ends up breaking up because she is both a daughter-in-law as mother-in-law they have not wanted to end her disagreements and think about the well-being of that person to whom, supposedly, love.

However, in the event that such an extreme has not yet been reached, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can follow a series of tips that will prevent this unpleasant situation from occurring.

What to do from the role of daughter-in-law

As a daughter-in-law, the first thing to do is to practice empathy with our boyfriend's mother, especially if we want to have children or already have children. In general, mothers tend to be afraid that something bad could happen to their children and that they will leave their side. The feelings of many people who have reached the third age have to do with fear of being alone, longing for the past and jealousy.. Far from criticizing her desire to spend time with her son, we must accept her with open arms, showing her that she has support in us.

Another fundamental aspect is clearly to avoid conflicts caused by a simple fight between egos. Our mother-in-law may make somewhat acid comments about what we do, but far from seeing her as a meddlesome and critical, we must value his experience, which he undoubtedly has since he has known how to raise and push forward a family. Many times they are lessons that can serve us.

Naturally, we can't help but compare our relationship with our parents to our man's relationship with his mother. At first it may seem somewhat childish to us, that this woman treats her son as if she were still a child. This does not have to be a negative thing, since In each family the way in which love is shown is different and, therefore, comparisons cannot be made under the same criteria. This is why we must avoid comparing ourselves, since we are going to see more bad things than good.

It is also very important to understand that the tone and vocabulary with which things are said can be interpreted in multiple ways. It is possible that there are attitudes of our mother-in-law that bother us but, even so, we cannot answer her with disrespect or with a mocking tone. There may even be a time when the situation becomes tense. If so It is best to wait for the air to calm down and speak more calmly, commenting that we appreciate his observations but that we are also free to make our own decisions as adults.

What to do from the role of mother-in-law

It is essential that if we are the mother-in-law we understand that our son has grown. As much as he hurts us, he is no longer 10 years old, but he is a full-fledged adult and he is free to make his own decisions. Unless the woman he is dating is very unpleasant, we should not meddle in his love life. If he's happy with her, we should be happy for him.

If they already have children, we can offer our experience as mothers and raised children to our daughter-in-law. We must understand that they are recommendations, not impositions. Our daughter-in-law will see in these proposals something applicable or not based on her own criteria, which may be worse or better but, after all, we too may have erred in the past, and yet our son has come to life adult. There is no perfect and infallible educational method, what matters is that it helps to create responsible and functional adults.

It is also very important to understand that our daughter-in-law is a person of flesh and blood, not the perfect and idealized idea that we once made ourselves. Perfection does not exist in the mortal world, and as long as it brings happiness to our son, our daughter-in-law is the closest thing to that perfection. It is true that she will have her flaws, but we cannot wait for her to change if we press her or remind her of what is bad in her. We can recommend that you do a couple of things to improve, but always with respect and tolerance.