Separation and its influence on children: what to do?

Many boys and girls experience the separation of their parents as something emotionally very painful., even traumatic in extreme cases.

However, no one is destined to suffer a lot for months because of this; how we adapt to the situation greatly influences how they will experience that stage.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

Why it is important to prepare children for the separation process

The separation affects above all the couple who cease to exist as such, but that does not mean that its psychological impact is reduced to those two people. When there are young children involved, it is also important that this separation process be as "healthy" as possible., because their parenting context will change significantly, and so will the way in which they will relate to their parents.

This also has to do with the stage of psychological development in which they are. During childhood and adolescence, it is easy for radical changes to generate a lot of anxiety and stress, and their coping skills are not as effective as those of the average adult. On the other hand, the family environment is the place where the majority of minors feel safer, and the Separation is usually interpreted as a violation of that space in which one can relax and have their space.

Therefore, although the fear of making a son or daughter suffer should not determine the decision of whether to separate or not (or produce feelings of guilt in case of opting for the former), it is important to take steps so that your transition to the new situation occurs as smoothly as possible.

To do? 5 tips to keep in mind

Keep these key ideas in mind when helping your son or daughter adjust to the separation situation.

1. Don't hide what's going on

Hiding what happened from him is totally counterproductive; separation is an important aspect that also affects you, and you need to be able to understand it (according to their possibilities dictated by their age). Describe what happened without turning it into a plea for your point of view.

• You may be interested in: "How does emotional development occur in childhood?"

2. Listen to him and encourage him to express how he feels

Not everything is about communicating what has happened; your feelings about it are also valuable, and should be acknowledged, as the separation affects you too. Invite him to express himself, to say what he thinks and how he feels, and listen without wanting to correct at the moment.

3. Make sure you haven't misunderstood

It is possible that you have many doubts or that you have misunderstood several things about what is happening; after all, a separation implies many changes in your life, and the uncertainty of not knowing how what is happening will be projected into the future can lead you to create catastrophic predictions.

4. respect their space

Faced with emotional discomfort, it is normal for your son or daughter to want to be alone for more time than usual. Do not see this as something abnormal and do not insist on trying to continue leading a normal life during those first days. If you see that the situation begins to become chronic when it lasts more than a week or two, talk about it to see how you feel and, if necessary, seek professional psychotherapeutic help.

5. Do not feed their search for guilty

Especially during adolescence, minors are prone to projecting their frustrations onto specific people, be it themselves or someone close to them. And in the context of a breakup, it's even easier for this to happen because you spend less time with each other. one of the parents or with both, and it is also frequent that there are tensions or hostilities between the Adults.

However, when talking about what happened with your son or daughter, you should not give in to that inertia of blaming the other person for what has happened. Not because if you feel that way your point of view is not valid, but because if you do not describe the situation in the most objective way possible, you will be putting the child in a situation where you may feel pressure to position yourself in a conflict, adopting a “partisan” mentality that fuels hostility and perpetuates itself. Even if you are not of legal age, you have the right to interpret the facts based on a information as less biased as possible, since this separation will also be a fundamental part of your life path.

6. To be safe, go to a psychologist

In psychological assistance sessions, it is possible to have personalized advice from professionals with experience dealing with behavioral problems and emotional management; This is useful both for oneself and for supporting children who feel lost in the separation process. In this way, you can go beyond general advice and have guidelines adapted to your particular case.

Are you interested in having psychological assistance in separation processes?

If you want to have professional psychological support in situations of separation or divorce, I invite you to contact me.

I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model and I can help you through crisis situations both in terms of managing emotions and in terms of personal relationships and strategies of breeding. You can count on my services in Madrid, and I also attend through online sessions by video call.

Bibliographic references:

• American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Arlington: American Psychiatric Publishing.
• Blasi, C.H.; Björklund, David F. (2003). Evolutionary Developmental Psychology: A New Tool for Better Understanding Human Ontogeny. Human Development. 46(5): 259 - 281.
• Mauldon, J. (1990) The Effect of Marital Disruption on Children's Health. demography; 27(3): 431 - 446.
• Peterson, J.L. & Zill, Z. (1986). Marital disruption, parent-child relationships and behavior problems in children. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 295-307.
• Sylvers, P.; Lilienfeld, S.O.; LaPrairie, J.L. (2011). Differences between trait fear and trait anxiety: implications for psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. 31(1): p. 122 - 137.