Self-esteem after breakups: how to strengthen it

Feeling that we have lost self-esteem after a breakup or when we experience crisis in relationships is very common. We often think and say that our relationship has "taken" our self-esteem. Couple breakups are one of the most unpleasant experiences we experience and one of the biggest reasons to request psychological help, but what really happens with our self-esteem?

Why do relationships and breakups affect our self-esteem so much? What relationship does it have with anxiety and discouragement so frequent that you feel in breakups?

Although any breakup is painful, there are a number of psychological factors involved that make it a much more intense and unpleasant experience than necessary. Learning from this moment and getting the change you need in you can help you not only get over the breakup, but to build a self-esteem that works for you in a stable way, both for your life and for future relations.

That is the objective that we have in this article: that you discover how your self esteem works, how it relates to the breakup

and how you can reinforce it in a stable way (it is not about raising self-esteem, but about building a functional self-esteem style). What we are going to see in this article is always linked to the learning that people who live their change processes do in consultation. Let's go for it.

Psychological difficulties in breakups

Relationships are one of the experiences where we find more well-being, learning and difficulties in our lives. If you have experienced or are experiencing a breakup, it is important to understand that the first step is always to validate the pain. For this reason, any experience that provides you with temporary well-being can help you, but the problem persists.

Know how to face a break functionally (which implies that it does not limit or condition you for future relationships or for your way of interpreting what happens) implies that we understand what our sensations are due to.

In relationships we experience an intimate bond where we dissolve. We share well-being, ideas, also projects, to such an extent that our individuality dissolves to a certain extent in the relationship. Over time, fears and insecurities arise because we cannot control our relationships (in any way). type, since they are shared with another person whose decisions, processes and attitudes are beyond our control).

When we experience a breakup, we feel that our well-being and experiences are vulnerable, that they do not depend from you, our fears and insecurities can turn into anxiety and the discouragement. We feel that we "lose" self-esteem because our well-being does not depend mainly on us, but on that external factor that we cannot control.

• Related article: "The 5 phases to overcome the mourning of the breakup of a couple"

Psychological Factors Involved in Breakups

It is normal and necessary to validate that a breakup causes you discomfort and that it supposes a kind of crisis (breakups are also opportunities to redefine ourselves). That they are so unpleasant and condition you so much depends above all on three factors.

1. loss of well-being

If your well-being depended too much on the relationship, a break leads us to discouragement for the loss of that experience. In relationships we experience well-being, but it is important that it depends mainly on you, on keeping your priorities, habits and routines. A breakup is an opportunity to build a more functional self-esteem.

• You may be interested in: "Psychological well-being: habits to achieve it"

2. Self-esteem

If you feel that you have lost self-esteem, it is not due to what is happening in the relationship (this would imply that your well-being depends on factors that you cannot control) but to how your self-esteem worked (in a dependent way) or that your experiences in the relationship have ended up making you lose focus and identity.

3. anxiety and emotions

It is common to feel unpleasant emotions in breakups, but when we do not know how to understand and manage those emotions, they end up transform into anxiety, and over time, discouragement (Despondency is a consequence of exhaustion caused by anxiety).

• Related article: "What is anxiety: how to recognize it and what to do"

What is self-esteem really, and how does it relate to breakups?

We usually understand self-esteem as self-love, and we also think that we have lost it or that it has been taken away from us. However, this way of thinking implies that we see self-esteem as an object (something we can lose) when in reality it is a system (a way of living, feeling and acting).

self esteem is a way of relating to yourself through which a relationship to the world flows. You cannot lose your self-esteem, since it is part of you. Neither can it be tall or short, since it is not an object. Your self-esteem really works for you or not, it makes you happy or not, in relation to a main factor: if your well-being depends mainly on you (what you do, how you do, your interpretations) or depends more on external factors that you cannot control (how others behave, their interpretations, how they reward you, etc.).

Human beings are social beings and we need to live quality relationships. They are links where we share well-being, but if your well-being depends on that link, they will end up expectations, comparisons and judgments arise that weaken the relationship or that affect you in the breakup further.

What to do in case of this problem?

Let's focus now on the solutions, on improve your self-esteem through your own learning and personal change.

If you feel that a break affects you too much, influences your self-esteem or perhaps it has left you learning that limits you, temporary relief will not help you. What is necessary is to live a process of deep but practical change, where you apply concrete changes that lead you to build a stable functional self-esteem.

It is important to work according to priorities:

1. reduce anxiety

Anxiety is linked above all to the way you breathe (faster and more superficial, hence the classic discomfort in the chest or pit of the stomach). When we learn to breathe fully, the intensity of anxiety decreases, it is easier for us to rest, also reduce discouragement and face learning.

2. Build a self-esteem that works for you

Where your well-being depends mainly on you, on your routines, priorities, decisions and habits. This will help you not only to be well, but also to make future relationships more positive and assertive.

3. Work with a routine adapted to your character

In breakups it is common to live according to a routine that harms us even more (looking too much at the mobile, lack of interest in self-care, etc.). It is important to build a routine adapted to your character (more introverted or extraverted), to recover pleasant sensations and that depend on you and your decisions.

4. Manage your emotions

An essential learning that will help you understand and manage them better, so that they are not so intense and frequent, and above all, so that you live and interact with more acceptance and confidence.

A learning about you

Your self-esteem, then, does not "go up" as if it were an elevator just because you value yourself.. That is a remedy that may work, but only temporarily. Live a process of change where you learn from yourself, how you manage what you feel, and where your self-esteem works properly stable (through trust and acceptance, but also in an assertive way) will make your well-being depend mainly on you.

To achieve this learning, it is necessary to work not only with your self-esteem or with the breakup, but also with all parts of your personality: your way of approaching relationships, self-knowledge, values, management of emotions.

In addition, it is especially valuable to have constant company and for any need or query you have (not just with sporadic sessions). If this is what you want, remember in Human Empowerment You can ask me for a first session to get to know each other, deepen your case and see how we can solve it 100%.

I send you much encouragement and confidence, Rubén Camacho