I get nervous when speaking: what's wrong with me and how to fix it?

Communication may be one of the fundamental aspects of human relationships, but that doesn't mean engaging in face-to-face, real-time conversations isn't complicated. In each dialogue of this type there are many elements at stake, and sometimes the feeling of not having control of what happens can lead to anxiety.

That is why many people ask... Why do I get nervous when speaking? How can I make this stop being a problem when it comes to relating to others?

Although (obviously) the simple fact of reading an article will not solve the problem, in the following lines we will review the usual causes of this problem and what can be done so that this anxiety weakens until it almost disappears.

• Related article: "Low selfsteem? When you become your own worst enemy"

I get nervous when talking to someone: why does it happen to me?

Each person is different, and our lives are always different from those of others, but despite that we can find some common factors that tend to occur in most cases in which this appears problem. They are next.

1. Attraction to the person we are talking to

This is one of the most common reasons behind those nerves when talking to someone. Being romantically or sexually interested in someone keeps us in a constant state of alert to try to please, although paradoxically this can achieve the opposite effect if it reaches a very extreme point.

2. impostor syndrome

This cause occurs especially in professional or academic contexts. It consists of the feeling of worry that someone will discover that we are not up to what would be required in the social circle in which one is. For example, if a professional starts working in a company where he believes that everyone is more skilled that he will be worried about the possibility that in a conversation his supposed mediocrity will be revealed.

3. Scared of speaking in public

This is something very common and it happens to a greater or lesser extent to practically everyone who is not accustomed to giving talks before large audiences, such as in a college class oral presentation or a conference.

Since we are aware that there are many people focusing their attention on ourselves, we try to control practically everything we do, and since that is impossible, anxiety appears. Even the anticipation of this produces anxiety before going out to speak. However, it must be clear that this form of stress has a different nature from that generated when conversing with someone in a two-way exchange of words.

4. Shyness

We must not forget that this psychological phenomenon linked to personality also has an important effect on what we experience when conversing with someone. Shy people are afraid of the possibility of being negatively evaluated. for others, and this simple concern makes them overestimate the chances of this happening, which generates discomfort from the first words exchanged.

5. introversion

It is also common for introverts to get nervous when speaking, since it is difficult for them to speak. manage attention so that it focuses on what is happening around you, instead of focusing on your thoughts. For this reason, they feel at a disadvantage compared to the others, and it is common for them to notice that everything in the dialogues goes too fast.

• You may be interested in: "Introverts: 4 characteristics that define them"

What to do to eliminate this anxiety?

It is true that depending on what is the cause for which someone feels nervous when talking to others, a different approach to the situation, but broadly speaking, we can summarize most of the answers to this problem in three tips.

1. work self esteem

In many cases, what best explains this discomfort when conversing with others has to do with low self-esteem. This feeling of not being good enough may vary depending on the situation; For example, someone who generally has good social skills may feel nervous. when talking to someone who seems very intelligent if one considers that oneself is not intelligent in absolute.

Working on self-esteem is something complex that sometimes requires help from psychologists, but in general it translates into adopting a realistic and distant perspective. that allows us to relativize the importance of what others think about oneself, on the one hand, and that teaches us to pay more attention to what we are good at, on the other other.

• You may be interested in: "Low selfsteem? When you become your own worst enemy"

2. Improvement

Do things that show you how you are able to progress in a particular skill or area of ​​knowledge. For example, if you think you are the person with the least culture in your environment, use those nerves as an engine to improve in that aspect and not have any reason to worry in a reasonable way.

Even so, keep in mind that even if you improve, you will surely maintain a pessimistic bias about your own abilities, unless you also fight it.

3. Expose yourself to discomfort

Reflecting on who you are and what you are capable of will not be enough to stop you from feeling nervous when talking to others. You must go beyond introspection, go to practice and expose yourself to moderately anxious conversations to lose your fear of face-to-face dialogue.

Conclusion

As we have seen, when in doubt "why do I get nervous when I speak?" It must be assumed that whatever the cause, we must make an effort to lose that fear, stop for uncomfortable situations and do it in the most intensive way possible so as not to throw in the towel and see the progress quickly.

Bibliographic references:

• Barlow DH (November 2000). "Unraveling the mysteries of anxiety and its disorders from the perspective of emotion theory". The American Psychologist. 55 (11): 1247–63.
• Iruarrizaga et al. «Anxiety reduction through training in social skills»