Why doesn't he want to be with me but says he loves me?

Among the most frequent complaints among those who come to therapy for emotional problems, there is one that is based on a contradiction: "He doesn't want to be with me but he says he loves me".

This is a relatively common problem that goes beyond being a simple communication failure, and involves the interests of both the person who first says "I love you" and the person who suffers the consequences of this incongruity.

In this article we will see what are the most frequent causes for a person to directly express their love for another and at the same time does not want to form a couple, start a dating relationship or anything that comes to mind seem. Besides, We will review several recommendations and tips about what to do.

• Related article: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"

He doesn't want to be with me but he says he loves me: why does that happen?

In the world of personal relationships, contradictions are common. Misunderstandings are something extremely common, and also, many times we fall into deceptions that in turn are raised almost involuntarily.

If we focus on love relationships, these inconsistencies not only generate discomfort; In addition, they are capable of generating dramatic situations.

In fact, they can cause frustration due to lack of love, a feeling for which there is an unresolved tension that makes us suffer for not being able to be with that person. person and at the same time makes it easier for us to become obsessed with the possibility of starting a dating relationship, since apparently there are some possibilities of achieving it.

This combination between the refusal to be dating and the hope that in the future the other person does want to have something with us generates an ambivalence capable of generating a lot of insecurities, anxiety and malaise in general, since it leads to wondering what is failure.

Let's see now why it can happen that someone says that she loves you but at the same time refuses to be with you and does not want to establish a strong emotional bond.

1. He doesn't want you to take it badly

Another reason why someone may claim to love others is that they don't know how to turn down offers because of fear of hurting other people's feelings.

In these cases, a "I love you but I don't want to be with you" It is a way of not cutting short the hopes of the other, insinuating that what there really is is a diffuse love that does not have to materialize at the beginning of a romantic love relationship or as a couple.

2. wants to dominate you

When someone tells another person that they love them but don't want to be their partner or commit to them in any meaningful way, they can do so by thinking about dominate the other by letting her see that there is a possibility of seducing her despite the fact that nothing beyond that "I love you" indicates that there are reasons for the hope.

As a result, just two words are capable of making someone predisposed to offer special help and protection to the other, by giving him room to fantasize about being together.

This intention does not always exist, but in some cases it may be the main reason for He does this, so we can talk about how he feels knowing that there is no truth in those words.

3. You are in a difficult situation

It may be that in certain circumstances the other person could be interested in going out with you. Personal circumstances unrelated to your friendship relationship they can come to prevent her from seeing herself ready to have a serious partner.

4. He has a very open definition of love.

We must not forget that by love, not everyone understands the concept of romantic love, which is the most common in relationships, both in courtship and in marriage.

When someone tells you that he loves you but does not want to be with you, he is really saying that he feels for you does not fit with what is usually considered a couple whose bond is romantic love, a type of loving union that has its advantages but also its drawbacks.

What to do when a person says they love you but doesn't want to be with you

In these cases, the best thing to do is to first find out if the person is playing with our feelings or not, and once this is done, follow one line of action or another. Let's see it.

1. Know if he plays with your feelings or not

The first thing to do is stop to see if the other person really cares about us or if they are only interested in submitting to you. manipulating your emotions.

To do this, stop and try to analyze what is happening from a detached and objective perspective: does he care about you? Is he interested in getting to know you and in remembering information about you and your life? In general, these questions should already be able to give an answer, because whoever does not feel anything for someone does not bother to pay attention to those details and remember them.

In case you clearly see that he is playing you, you already have the solution: cut your relationship with that person, because they are trying to create a toxic relationship based on emotional dependence.

If that is not what happens and there are reasons to think that you are a significant person for her or that at least she is not clear about her feelings towards you, keep reading.

• You may be interested in: "How to know if your partner uses you (in 10 keys)"

2. Talk it over to clarify what your feelings are.

Communication is greatly underestimated in this kind of problem, but really through dialogue, a situation as uncomfortable as this one can be completely resolved.

Together, try to name what happens. Talk about your expectations towards the other, about how you would like your relationship to be and how you would not like it to be. It is not mandatory to be compatible in this; It's just about talking about it to find out what's going on, and you have to do it without prejudging the other and without making him feel guilty for what he feels.

3. Decide if you are satisfied, and if you are not, move on with your life

Once you already have all the relevant information about what the person you like feels and to what degree her intentions fit with yours, make a decision And unless something comes up that gives you significant reasons to change your mind, stick with it.

Conclusion: put an end to uncertainty and tension

As we have seen, the most important thing is to solve the unknown about what the other person wants, see if that is compatible with what you want and decide to continue investing in that relationship, or it is better to cut it off.

When someone complains with statements like "he says he loves me but he doesn't want to be with you", what really reveals is the frustration caused by the ambiguity in what the other says and the tension generated by not knowing what to do. Eliminating this uncertainty, practically everything will be solved in time; also possible heartbreak.

Bibliographic references:

• Collin, v. TO. (1996). Human Attachment. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
• Panksepp J., Nelson, E., Bekkedal M. (1997). "Brain Systems for the Mediation of Separation Distress and Social Reward". Annals NY Academy of Sciences. 807: 78–100.