Toxic shame: what it is, what causes it, and how it affects us

We have all ever experienced the feeling of shame; This is one of the emotions, along with pride and guilt, called self-conscious. Shame is accompanied by the manifestation of a whole series of symptoms, both physical and mental. And like the rest of the emotions, it has its specific function: alerting us that we have done wrong and ultimately allowing us to correct ourselves. This cannot be qualified as negative or positive.

There are different specific situations that act as triggers for shame reactions in most of us. us, although it also depends on our education, our culture and, ultimately, our experiences previous. This modulates the intensity of the emotion, that is, two people do not experience the same degree of shame in the same situation. However, when we talk about toxic shame, we are not talking about excessive shame, but rather constant shame.

"Normal shame" like any other emotion: it comes and goes. But in some people it is permanently installed and can become extremely painful, even disabling. In this article

We will see what toxic shame consists of, how to differentiate it from guilt, its main causes and how to overcome it.

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What is toxic shame?

Shame often comes when we take a critical look at ourselves and evaluate ourselves harshly. We often do this for things or situations over which we ultimately have little or no control, such as what others think of ourselves.

The term "toxic shaming" was first coined by psychologist Silvan Tomkins in the 1960s.. This differs from normal shame, due to its omnipresence: it settles in our mind and becomes part of our identity.

A person who suffers from toxic shame experiences chronic feelings of low self-esteem, poor self-image, and self-hatred. All these thoughts are derived from the unfounded belief that they are inferior to others or that they should be ashamed of themselves for not being enough. In other words, we could say that toxic shame is internalized negative shame that is part of ourselves, that is, it has become part of our personality.

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What is the difference between shame and guilt?

Guilt is often confused with shame. And while they may seem related, these are completely different emotions. Guilt is described as the unpleasant feeling of sadness for something you have done, that is, it is born from your own or someone else's sanction. Shame has nothing to do with what we do, but with ourselves, it is the unpleasant feeling of sadness for who we are as a person. And ultimately, people with toxic shame feel bad about who they are all the time. Toxic shame is a pervasive feeling.

However, there is a paradox: one feels guilty of feeling ashamed. And it's easier to admit the former (that we feel guilty or hurt) than to admit that we're ashamed, so people are ashamed of being ashamed. As we can see, feelings of shame are paradoxical and reproduce themselves.

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Causes

Toxic shame often begins and is reinforced through early childhood experiences. As we grow, we are able to understand how our actions affect others, this depends on many extrinsic factors, for example cultural beliefs. There are several countries such as China and India where belching is acceptable, moreover, it is a courtesy gesture and it means that we are satisfied with the food. From these observations we begin to understand and differentiate what behaviors we can show and classify them as acceptable or unacceptable.

At this time, our close environment and parents play a fundamental role. In the best of cases, reminding us that we are not born knowing and that we can screw up and teaching us other types of behaviors, or at least, not punishing us for some mistake that has not been premeditated. However, in some cases, this does not happen and we receive messages, apart from being useless, quite harmful, when we are wrong or worse all life when we express an idea with which they do not agree agreement.

Showing disapproval or disappointment, instead of leading to other behaviors, can have a very negative effect on the development of children's self-esteem. But, if in addition, these emotions are not focused on the child's actions, but on aspects that have to do with himself, they can lead to the appearance of a whole series of negative feelings, such as vulnerability, inadequacy, or even ultimately making these children feel unworthy of love or attention positive.

Also after emotionally distant parenting or in cases where there has been abuse or neglect the development of self-esteem problems, self-hatred and toxic shame is frequent. Parents who do not attend to or ignore needs, whether physical or emotional, convey to their children that they are unlovable and flawed.

Although, as we have seen, toxic shame develops during childhood and adolescence, it can also occur in adulthood. This happens when the mistakes of the past remain installed in our heads, even long after they have occurred. In this case, not facing them or burying them deep in the subconscious can cause this type of toxic feeling to develop.

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Effects of toxic shame

Constantly hearing negative comments about lack of intelligence or one's own personality will probably make the person believe that they are true and internalize them. Although this is a completely natural response, it does not mean that it is still very harmful. For adults, carrying the shame of bad decisions for long periods of time it can make a person feel worthless.

Someone who suffers from toxic shame feels deeply unworthy, humiliated, and flawed as a person. You may also believe that something vital is missing and you feel haunted by an omnipresent emptiness and absence. This feeling affects their whole being and makes them very unhappy. Also, ultimately, toxic shame can become part of one's identity, damaging a person's perception of themselves and affecting their self-esteem. This is especially true for children who are just beginning to form their self-concept.

Toxic shame and the other negative feelings derived from it bring with them a whole series of consequences. They can dramatically shape who we are. (it's more than an emotion that shows us our limitations). Feeling toxic shame is like believing that we no longer deserve to be considered human beings by others, this is because it implies a deep sense of failure. Consequently, this can cause the person to hide from all aspects of who they are internally and their true personality. In severe cases, the person loses faith in himself and that he can be trusted. The deep feeling of toxic shame makes the person feel completely. alone and isolated from the world.

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How to overcome toxic shame?

Toxic shame is complex to treat because it can go unnoticed and, furthermore, it is difficult to admit. However, there are a series of strategies that we expose below that can help us start to recover, in the case of facing this feeling, such as changing the messages we send to ourselves, meditation, opening up to others and sharing the feelings of shame that we torment, seek satisfying relationships that bring us compassion, and in the case of considering it necessary we can also go to therapy. A professional can help us take the first steps to face the problem.

Toxic shame often runs deep and ingrained within us, but self-pity and Self-esteem can be useful tools to soften both her and her more serious consequences. negative. Psychodynamic approaches can help us unravel and heal anxiety at its source.

Working with our inner child issues can help us deal with shame from childhood and adolescence. This awareness and therapeutic practice allows early shame and disgust to be replaced with healing love and kindness. In addition to allowing us understand that our values ​​may be different from the ones we were taught and separate our identity from the feeling of shame. It also allows us to realize how toxic shame affects our present.

Overcoming this emotion allows us to develop abilities as important as self-affirmation and self-expression. Consequently, we are also able to connect with ourselves and others in an authentic way. Also, by not being in our head or appreciating what we did wrong, we can enjoy the present moment.