Can honesty be a problem in relationships?

Honesty is a value that is usually claimed as a necessary element in any relationship. The idea is usually defended that being totally honest with the person we love will have a healthy, functional and mature relationship.

But although the theory makes it seem very simple, in practice it is much more complicated. There are many times when telling the truth, as we feel or how we see it, can strain the love in our relationship or even cause the couple to end up separating.

Can honesty be a problematic factor in romantic relationships? This is the question that we are going to answer below, looking at some situations where saying things as they have been is the last thing we should do.

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Can honesty in a relationship become a problem?

No matter how faithful and transparent we are with our partner, there are many situations that, although innocent, make us wonder if we should tell our loved one. It may be that, totally disinterestedly, we have "thrown the cane" at a co-worker. It can also happen that, while on the subway, we have taken a look with a stranger and that he has answered us. It may also happen that our ex has sent us a message in which he asks us to return.

All these situations are not a sign of betrayal or infidelity to the couple. We have not slept with another person nor have we confided in them an emotional intimacy that we had reserved only for our partner, with which, in principle, telling them should not change the things. However, would we be able to tell him what happened? Do we know how he will respond? To what extent is telling him that this has happened, despite being something innocent and that in practice it has not been betrayal, is it going to sit well with him?

There are endless situations that, despite not being a betrayal or destroying the trust that our partner has in us, are not going to sit well with the person we love. Yes, you should have no reason to think that we have hurt you, since we have not, but we can make you doubt whether we are really going to do it. They may think that we have noticed another person and that this is their fault, thinking that we are looking in others for what he or she lacks or cannot give us.

Naturally, in all these situations we are faced with a dilemma that leads us to decide on two options: tell them or keep quiet. According to what they usually tell us, the basis of a good relationship is honesty, but to what extent? Although being honest is seen as a high ethical value in our culture, this value need not always be socially pleasing or functional behaviorThat is, it does not always guarantee that we will get along with someone when we are honest. In fact, the opposite can happen.

Depending on the personality of our partner, how they interpret what we say and other factors such as their self-esteem and a history of infidelity, confessing to any of the aforementioned situations may be counterproductive. Nothing has happened, but in our partner's mind it will. He will go round and round like the drum of a washing machine, so many revolutions that he will end up being reproached: "No, you haven't cheated on me, but why do you want to cheat on me?"

As we have been saying, it is most likely that he is interpreting things in a very exaggerated way, whether he is a man or a woman. As much as we trust our partner, sometimes we don't want to know absolutely everything that happens to them and everything they think, no matter how faithful it has proven to be. When we are hot, we are capable of saying a lot of stupid things, and we can use things that have not happened as attacks and criticisms of her. For this reason, unless it is something extremely necessary that must be told, there is no need to worry our loved one.

It should be said that Every situation and every person is different.. It may be that what has happened to us, such as our ex talking to us about coming back, cause us deep discomfort because we experience not telling our partner as a kind of deception. In this case, as a favor to ourselves, we can tell them, but in a filtered way, calmly, specifying that it was not us who contacted our ex. We tell them because it is clear that if we don't, our concern will end up affecting the couple.

In other cases, it may happen that we see this message from our ex as something no more important than one of the many SPAM messages we receive on our mobile phones. In this case, why tell him? If that message doesn't eat us up inside or mean we want to get back together with our ex, there's no point in risking worrying our ex. partner for something that has not happened or will happen, causing harm caused by their interpretation of the situation, and not the situation itself same.

We could expose all the situations in which, if we counted them, we could risk having a real relationship problem despite being nothing, but the list would be endless. Are situations in which we can believe that we have done nothing wrong, because they have meant nothing to us, but this could destroy our partner if they don't know how to fit it in the most rational, realistic and objective way possible. You can't blame him, love is not rational, and everything that happens around you can hardly be interpreted that way.

Before being honest with our partner about something that is trivial and apparently innocent, we must ask ourselves the following asks: “Is honesty going to hurt our partner?” We must know how to assess whether it is advisable to tell him what he has told us. past. The things that should be communicated should never subtract. If we know that something that we are going to tell her is going to hurt her, we will only say that thing in case it is extremely necessary. If it is not necessary and it could harm him, why tell him?

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talk with filters

There are other aspects of the life of a couple that are purely internal to the relationship, that is to say, in which third parties are not involved, but which are said totally and absolutely sincerely. there is a risk of causing tension. For example, it can happen that one day our girlfriend approaches us and asks us if the new dress she has put on favors her. We, who think not, tell him clearly that it looks bad on him, that she does not favor him at all and that perhaps it would be best to return it.

It is clear that here we have been honest, and we have also damaged our relationship as a couple. Our "truth" can collide directly with her "truth", who may think that she looks very favored with that dress that, although she has not given it to us, That said, she's chosen on purpose for us, spending hours and hours making up her mind in the store to make sure she gave us the most intense of impressions. Of course, that we tell him that she does not favor him is not going to sit well with him.

This case is a clear example of why unfiltered honesty is bad. We may have been sincere expressly thinking about the good of our partner. Since they tell us that the best thing for any relationship is to tell the truth, clearly and concisely, we, with very good intentions, have done so. The problem is that, sometimes we forget that filters are for something, and that something is to soften the blow. We cannot say things the way we think, much less to a loved one who does many of their things thinking of satisfying us.

This is why here we return to the idea that each couple is different. What may feel good to one and see it as constructive criticism, the other may see it as an attack on both his identity and his decisions, and his self-esteem will be damaged by it. If we love someone, we must learn how to tell them things, both those that we like and those that we do not like. of her, and if there is something that we know that could make her feel bad and that it is not an urgency to change, why bother? tell him? Let's accept that it has its strengths and weaknesses, as we do too.

Bibliographic references:

• Husain, M., Price, D. M., Gesselman, A. N., Shepperd, J. A., & Howell, J. L. (2020). Avoiding information about one's romantic partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520969856