Did you know that more important than self-esteem is self-pity?

The truth is that raising self-esteem is not as simple as increasing muscle mass. The self-esteem or self-worth that you assign to yourself has a lot to do with your quality of life and your social relationships; It is imagining yourself / or as a treasure, which is special and therefore deserves respect.

But to feel like a treasure, an implicit message is that you must stand out and be special in something, compared to others. Also It implies setting goals to meet that justify this self-value. That is, self-esteem depends on many external factors, and improving self-esteem commonly leads you to constant comparison and competition with other people.

Why is being more compassionate with yourself so important?

We like the term self-esteem, because thinking about improving self-esteem is like thinking about increasing muscle mass and getting stronger. Most people feel they have to get stronger in order to cope with the difficulties in their lives., that having low self-esteem, being very weak, not being able to handle criticism, rejection... for lack of personal strength.

In this sense, many exercises and suggestions to improve self-esteem are based on feeding yourself with positive and motivating messages (“you can, you are valuable, look at everything that that you achieved, you can love yourself more” etc.) There is the idea that it is simply a question of ingesting the indicated messages and thoughts (such as food) to strengthen oneself little by little. bit. It sounds easy.

Why the idea of ​​raising self-esteem does not work

The problem is that if your self-esteem is low, you find it hard to believe the positive things other people tell you. If you are convinced that you are bad, useless, problematic, etc. they are beliefs so ingrained that they will not change simply because someone tells you otherwise.

In the same way, focusing on the aspects in which you stand out to feel special or better before others only puts more pressure on you, since there will always be people who are better or more outstanding than you in any field of life life. When you find yourself being tested and compared all the time to prove your value over and over again, the project of working on self-esteem becomes a hamster wheel.

• Related article: "Emotional management: 10 keys to master your emotions"

A different story about self-esteem

Actually, what you identify as a low self-esteem, it is not an indicator of weakness, but it means that there is a very strong critic in your mind.

Imagine yourself in parts made up of different actors and inner voices, each with a role. More or less like in the movies or series, where the protagonist must make a difficult decision and suddenly We see him talking with his angel and his inner demon who appear next to him, giving him completely contrary.

Your inner critic represents the voice in charge of controlling your behavior. It's this voice that calls out to you in the morning: "You should have gone to bed earlier last night." And at night before going to sleep: "You should have completed more tasks during this day." His intention is not bad, he wants to protect you, prepare you for the worst and make sure you live up to the daily demands. The problem is that, if it is very strong, in the long term it weakens you, because of course, it is like being next to someone, who does not trust your abilities at all.

The dynamics of the inner critic

If your inner critic or judge is very strong, it keeps you on constant alert, watching everything you do, like a distrustful mother or father and will always find things that still need to be fixed, so you will never do enough to make them happy.

From the logic of the critic, the self-esteem it is in the achievements that represent a person. The more achievements, the more personal value. So if you follow the narrative of the inner critic, your self-esteem will improve when you get Results: Winning some competition, a promotion at work and everything that gives social recognition and admiration. In other words, your self-esteem would only improve after a stage of effort lashed out by the critic, when a moment of glory comes that will feed your confidence. Unfortunately, achievements are only moments and after a while the emotion that for a second could sustain a spark of self-esteem passes.

• You may be interested in: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

The effects of chronic criticism

The conviction that you need constant vigilance and criticism to stay motivated and be able to perform better has not been confirmed. Rather the opposite happens: the greater self-criticism, in the long term your creative and motivating capacity decreases and it can even lead you to strong states of depression.

Scientifically it has been proven that constant self-criticism significantly increases stress levels that can be measured based on cortisol and adrenaline levels in the blood. It puts you in a constant survival mode, which in the short term has the function of alerting you to danger, but in the long term it irritates and wears you down. It is as if you constantly feel that you are being persecuted, only that it is you who is persecuting you and you spend energy being the persecutor and persecuted at the same time. Thus, under-critical performance, over time, makes you less efficient at reaching your goals.

Working on self-esteem as if it were something to feed does not make much sense then. It's more important know the self-criticism dynamics that you are practicing and record how you are talking to yourself on a daily basis.

It is important to introduce new voices

Improving self-esteem has more to do with addressing this critic (where does he come from? Is your criteria really valid? is it still relevant?), on the one hand and on the other to introduce new voices that are not critical, but more friendly and compassionate that also They exist in you and will help you calm down and lower stress levels, to strengthen your creativity and self-confidence in the long run. term.

In a situation in which you are always very critical of yourself, ask yourself, for example, if the same thing had happened to a good friend of yours, what would you say? Would you talk to him the same way you're talking to yourself right now? We are often much more severe with ourselves than with other people and it is because of this mistaken belief that severe control protects us.

The role of self-compassion in our sense of self-worth

Compassion is the ability to feel with the other and want to act to ease their pain. is directly linked to our capacity for empathy. A compassionate person is someone who acknowledges and validates another's pain and works hard to understand what he needs in her situation. Being by their side, hugging, listening and validating the feelings of the other.

Too much self-pity is often associated with the idea of ​​relaxing too much and losing sight of one's goals, but in fact the opposite has been proven. Feeling compassion from others not only benefits our mental health by lowering stress levels, but also benefits our physical health.

People who grow up and live in more compassionate contexts live longer and in better health. Which makes a lot of sense, since the compassionate voice is almost the opposite of the critical voice. Experiencing compassion increases your oxytocin levels (happiness hormone) and strengthens personal confidence when you stop comparing and recognize yourself as another human, with similar weaknesses to others.

Being self-pitying is not victimizing yourself

Unfortunately, it is still rare for us to apply compassion to ourselves. It is almost frowned upon, because it is confused with egocentrism and victimization, although it is very different. Self-pity sounds paradoxical because it is associated with becoming more compliant and finally acknowledging one's own weakness. Many people fear this process because they feel that it implies a loss of control over their situation.

Pity is different from self-pity, because puts the other person in a victim position where they can do nothing but grieve and hope. To victimize you would be to say to you: "I, poor thing, it's not my fault and I can't do anything".

Having self-pity would be: “This situation is difficult, it really frustrates me and I have a hard time finding a solution.” (validate), “Really I need more… help, understanding, patience, etc.” (think of solutions and alternatives without criticizing yourself for not having found them yet).

Self-pity puts you in a moment of pause and reunion, from which you will feel the motivation to continue.

How to practice self-compassion

Kristin Neff (2013), a pioneer in research on the benefits of self-compassion, includes three processes in her practice.

1. full consciousness

It is to recognize these difficult moments in which, Instead of criticizing yourself, you should accompany yourself as a friend.. The most difficult thing about practicing self-compassion is catching yourself in the moments when you are being more severe/or with yourself/or, to get out of the previous dynamics of self-criticism. Mindfulness involves phrases as simple as: "That's hard, I'm having a hard time, I feel sad."

2. Humanity

Instead of looking for how to stand out, recognize that you are human and that your weaknesses connect you with others, they do not isolate you. The challenges you face are similar to those of others and you are not alone. Phrases that help you recognize your own humanity can be: "That's part of life, it's normal to have those challenges, other people feel the same in these situations."

3. Kindness

Talk to you and treat you with affection, imagine what a good friend would say to you in this situation, caress you. Tell yourself things like: “You are doing what you can, you will find a way”.

That is different from telling yourself motivational messages, because it requires a process of being more present with yourself and finding the words that really you need to listen in the face of a difficult or frustrating situation and therefore give yourself the time and courage to listen to your own needs, because you deserve.

Self-compassion requires the recognition and acceptance of our own imperfection and vulnerability. and it is also telling you that you do not have to achieve everything and you do not have to always do it perfectly. But precisely this process is necessary, because it is the truth. We cannot do everything and we will not always be perfect. Only then do you free yourself from constant self-criticism and stop being you but an enemy by not forcing yourself to be more. It is saying to yourself: “You are and you do enough.” It motivates you to continue without the need for constant criticism or threat.