How to deal with emotional triggers? in 4 steps

Surely you have heard or read about "triggers" somewhere. The exact translation from English to Spanish would be “trigger” or “trigger” and, indeed, a trigger is a stimulus that triggers or awakens an emotional and involuntary reaction in us. In this sense, a trigger can be something as simple as the smell of freshly baked bread that we perceive going through a bakery and that prevents us from resisting this time, to go shopping.

That is, industries large and small make use of our emotional triggers all the time, which can be colors, smells, sounds or messages that lead us to have a certain reaction unconsciously and (almost) uncontrollable. But emotional triggers are not only sensory stimuli that we find in commercials. A trigger for you can be the tone of a person's voice or someone raising their voice in front of you, as well as the smell of a perfume that reminds you of someone. They became triggers because they are stimuli that you connect with some experience/s from the past.

• We recommend you read: "Emotions: friends or enemies?"

Where do our triggers come from?

Triggers arise through very particular experiences in our lives, where we connect the stimulus to some shocking or alarming event that follows.. For example, the sound of the key opening the door of the house, because “every time dad came home, the fights started and I had to hide. The sound of him opening the door was like the bell that started the stage.” (customer testimonial).

For a person who had such an experience in his childhood, this trigger (sound of the key), already in his life As an adult, it triggers the same emotions that you experienced as a child, such as fear and the desire to go out in a hurry. But triggers can also be postures or ways of dealing during a conversation. How a person speaks to you, his tone of voice or the role he assigns you in the conversation.

For example, when someone talks to you non-stop and you don't feel heard, just like what happened to your mother when you were a teenager. When someone plays a nasty joke on you and you suddenly feel humiliated, although the joke may not have been that serious, nor with this intention. But you suffered bullying at school and that makes you relive the same feeling of shame that your classmates caused in you.

What does “being triggered” mean?

That you feel triggered means that someone or something "pushed a button" that triggers an emotional reaction in you, usually very disproportionate, to the event. As I described in the previous example: Hearing someone open a door shouldn't make you scared and want to run away. The trigger is then the stimulus that automatically connects a sensation with an involuntary emotional reaction. It is the starting point of a path that has been traced neurologically in you. In your past this connection was made by a threat or real experience, but in your current life it no longer makes sense.

Now, disproportionate and involuntary emotional reactions can obviously produce misunderstandings. These are moments when no one understands what is happening to you, suddenly you feel bad, uncomfortable, wanting to cry, scream or want to run away. The ways to react can be very diverse, but it is always a sensation that suddenly overwhelms you.

It may also be that it is someone you don't like and you don't quite know why. Surely it triggers some feeling in you (fear, inferiority, desire to compete, etc.). A very common reaction that we have when we find ourselves in this state is that we blame others.: “You made me feel like this.”, “You provoked me.”, “You should know that it affects me.” But others are not to blame for our triggers and it is not their responsibility to take care of us in this regard.

How to stop blindly following your emotions when you feel "triggered"?

We all have situations or stimuli that "trigger" us and it is solely our responsibility to work on them and give ourselves what we really need at this time. If it seems like we need to explode right now and don't want to hurt other people, what alternatives are there?

Step one: understand that it is not the situation, it is you

The first step is to focus on the situation. Being able to identify that what you feel at this moment is not because of the situation itself, but because you associate something with this feeling that comes from a personal experience of yours. That at first is not so easy, because first you have to know your triggers. Recall times in the past where you overreacted or where others told you that you overreacted.

Perhaps there are specific situations where you already know that you always get nervous, angry, wanting to go out or in some other way uncomfortable.. The sensations that a trigger produces in us can be very different, which is why it also helps to carefully record exactly what you are feeling at this moment.

Step two: connect with the body and focus on the breath

A common reaction when we feel triggered and already identify it is to actively fight the feeling. For example, you are already in a moment where you realized that someone pressed a button or a weak point in you and you try to cope with the anxiety that it causes you, by pretending that nothing has happened. past. Maybe you say to yourself something like: "ok, you feel provoked, but now you must remain calm." Or you simply mentally repeat this mantra “keep calm, keep calm…”

It may help to remind yourself that you don't want to overreact or explode at this time.. At the same time, it has the effect of the pressure cooker because you don't allow yourself to feel what you feel right now and you finally do a double job by containing the emotion and following the thread of the conversation trying not to let anyone know note.

An alternative is to acknowledge with presence and acceptance. That is, instead of fighting the emotion, you sit with it. That's different than taking it out or repressing it. Sitting with emotion means acknowledging, feeling, and accepting it without directly expressing it. It could be by saying something like: “Oh, what this other person said to me was a trigger for me, I feel desire to… (run, attack, I'm frozen, etc.).” It is to recognize what happened and understand what you feel without judge you.

So pay close attention: what does your body feel right now? Maybe your palms get sweaty, your heart rate races, you get restless, you want to take a step back or walk away from the site altogether. There is no need to fight emotion too much at this time, because emotions are like waves that come and go. If you sit with your emotion and focus on your body and your breath for this moment, you give it space. This time many times you can not do anything else, just trust that the emotion is going to go away sooner or later.

Step three: listen to what you need now

Being connected with your body and your breath will make it easier for you to identify what you really need. Maybe you really need to get away for a moment, be alone until the wave of emotions passes. Maybe some movement or caress helps you, like giving yourself a hug, your hand on your heart or taking something away. You can say something like: "With what happened now I feel a little overwhelmed, I'm going to take a walk to process it."

It is not about running away from a conflict, but in a situation where you are triggered, you cannot expect too much from yourself.. You are on alert and it is not a condition where you are going to be at the best time to resolve a conflict. Taking care of yourself right now and waiting for the internal storm to pass is the best thing you can do.

Step four: explore the situation through questions

I take as an example a situation that can be a trigger for many people. A colleague gives us bad feedback on our work indicating something like: "At point A and B you must improve." For many, the criticism of work (for more constructive as it is) is a trigger, because it indirectly tells us that "we lack", which triggers feelings of guilt or shame that can be very uncomfortable. A very common reaction to this trigger is that we desperately begin to defend ourselves, justify our decisions or presumed shortcomings and give long explanations of why and how we work So, even though it would have been enough to give a short answer like: “Thanks for letting me know, I'll check it out.” In a In a situation like this, the following questions can help: What happened now, what triggered in me (what feelings)? A possible answer: I felt offended, afraid that it may happen because of this observation.

Why do I trigger it in me? What is my personal issue that led me to have this reaction? Because it awakens in me a fear of not being good enough, that I lack it and that I am exposed. Why is this important to me? It is important for me to be good and feel that I am enough, because when they make me understand that I am lacking, I associate it with rejection and fear of being excluded. This exploration process helps again to connect with yourself within the situation and introduce some logical reasoning. You no longer judge yourself, nor are you scared by what you feel, but you can put it in context.

Working on triggers is a process

Following these steps as I have described them means committing yourself to daily personal knowledge work. It implies paying attention to our ways of reacting in different circumstances and taking a step back for self-observation. When you just start working on your triggers, it is very likely that you will not realize at the right moment when it happens but later.

In this case, you can also follow the steps later, although you no longer feel the same as during the situation. You can remember the moment and record what happened to you. With practice, your presence will increase in these moments and you will be able to prevent. It is also important to share these observations with someone. It can be with friends who are in a similar process or with a processional as part of a psychotherapy.