Emotional abandonment is as harmful as physical

lack of affection it can be as severe as being deprived of food or shelter and as harsh as being physically abandoned. Let's look at a brief example that shows this phenomenon.

The effects of emotional abandonment, in an example

Gema went to the university to collect her third master's degree. Putting the newly signed diploma in a huge envelope, her secretary rose from her and shook her hand as she warmly congratulated him, looking into her eyes.

She left that dark building crying like a "muffin", as a thought appeared in her head like a revelation: “This is the first time someone has actually congratulated me on any achievement in my entire life”.

She then looked for a bar to have a drink to help her digest everything she was feeling. Her first reaction was to search for information on her mobile. For hours she did not take her gaze from her on that screen, all to reach a sad conclusion: she had suffered "emotional abandonment" in childhood.

The worst thing is that it seemed that it left indelible marks, it was something irreversible. That made her feel so bad that she couldn't stop drinking until she almost lost consciousness.

But she was a born fighter. So the next day, with a tremendous headache, she decided seek a therapy that, if possible, she would help him make amends for her. After weighing different options, she decided to try psychoanalysis.

• Related article: "Parental neglect: causes, types and consequences"

Aftermath of a difficult childhood

In the first session she told me that she felt very alone. She blamed herself for having focused too much on her studies and neglecting her friends.

I spoke to him about the importance of what we experienced in childhood. But Gema, like so many patients, she hardly remembered anything about her from her childhood, everything was wrapped in a kind of gray nebula. I explained that her mind had blocked her memories to protect her.

"I was two" little eyes "that looked at, but whom no one saw," she said in a session full of sadness, remembering that abandoned girl that she was.

When Gema grew up a bit, her parents did not hesitate to use her for housework and to tell them about her problems. Her mother called her “my teardrop cloth” and her father told him about her sad childhood for hours, in which he didn't even wait for her answer.

They went out to party every weekend. Many times they left her alone at home, in the care of her little brother. Sometimes they came home drunk and she heard them fighting among themselves.

Gem she became a very quiet and submissive girlher, unable to express her wishes or her opinions for fear of being rejected. She gave herself to the task of taking care of her parents and siblings. But she didn't care, because in this way she felt that she was useful and at least that's how they saw her.

Despite being a good student, Gema had trouble attending class. She was always in the "cloud" of her, clueless of her, due to the confusion that reigned in her mind. That and perhaps the horrible clothes that her mother put on her, made her make fun of her. She experienced “bullying” by some of her classmates, for which she many times wanted to disappear from the “map”.

She tried to make friends but she did not finish integrating into any group. She then decided to seek refuge in her books, which allowed her to live better lives than hers. But this secluded her even more within her shell.

By the time she was a teenager she felt that she had to socialize, so she began to drink and try drugs to socialize.

Their addictions and her obsession with books continued into her adult life, in which she failed to forge a single stable relationship. Everything got worse over the years.

The recovery process in therapy

Thanks to her therapy, Gema was able to realize that her parents were always more concerned with her own needs than with her. They had no genuine interest in her friends or interests. They never supported or applauded her efforts. The studies were “her obligation to her” and she did not care what she did, it was never enough. In this way it was impossible for her to constitute a self-esteem solid.

Her parents' relationship with her was cold and distant. And this was the only thing that Gema was later able to reproduce in her adult life. She was emotionally “handicapped”. It was impossible for him to establish deep and lasting relationships.

And it is that if we are not "seen" as children by our parents, it is as if we did not exist. There is nothing worse than that, because they are subjecting us to "ostracism". They not only exclude us from the family environment, but from the entire society, in which it will be difficult for us to integrate later.

Thus she is attacking the natural instinct of belonging, because we are social beings that need to connect with each other

Gema was releasing all her pain in therapy. Her wounds of abandonment and rejection of her gradually healed, with a lot of suffering, yes, and with time. “If it doesn't hurt, it doesn't heal”, she used to tell him frequently in our many sessions.

Little by little, she began to value herself, to feel proud of herself and to have enough confidence to begin to establish more healthy bonds with the right people. Finally a new life was possible for her.

In conclusion...

Society must become aware that the consequences of physical and psychological abuse in childhood are very serious.. We must give a good affective foundation to our children, who need the love of their parents, as much as the food or the air they breathe. If not, the effects in adult life are terrifying.

And in the case of having suffered emotional neglect, it is necessary to seek a therapy that helps to release all that pain suffered in childhood, because as Jung said: "Until you make your unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it destination".