Dysfunctional Families: what are they and how do they affect children?

The family is the nest in which we are born, where we feel sheltered and from where we fly. Ideally, the family unit should provide unconditional support, love and protection. It is within the family where we acquire a certain vision of the world and some values. This is how we all gain a sense of who we are and how we should behave. For better or for worse, the first bonds we form in our lives establish the ground where the foundations of our person will be laid.

The truth is that, although there are families that fulfill their role correctly, this is not always the case. There are many dysfunctional family systems that establish harmful dynamics for their members. The problem is that many times none of them has known another way of living relationships, so no one notices that something is wrong with their way of interacting.

If a person grows up in a dysfunctional family setting, this experience leaves a psychological mark that is difficult to erase.. When those who should be a safe place constitute a threat, our personality and our schemes about the world and ourselves are conditioned. In this article we will talk in detail about what a dysfunctional family is and how this type of environment negatively affects children.

• We recommend you read: "Permissive families: the 4 risks of this type of parenting"

What is a dysfunctional family and what characteristics does it have?

Dysfunctional families are essentially families that fail to establish adequate dynamics that satisfy the emotional needs of their members. To understand the enormous impact that these families have on children, we must start from the idea that a family is not a conglomerate of people. Rather, it is a dynamic system, within which members form links in different directions.

The meaning of the family is that it is a provider not only of material goods, but also of protection, cultural and spiritual values ​​and, above all, affection and love.. A dysfunctional family is not capable of offering all this, as it experiences crises and conflicts that prevent it from reaching a state of harmony. As we have been commenting, dysfunctional families are those that fail to satisfy the emotional needs of their members. More specifically, these are environments with characteristics such as the following:

1. Presence of abuse and maltreatment

Dysfunctional families are characterized by disorganized ties, whereby the people who should provide love and care end up being a source of harm. In these environments, situations of abuse and maltreatment prevail, which can be of a physical, psychological or sexual nature.

2. emotional invalidation

Dysfunctional families tend to breathe a climate of marked emotional invalidation. The different members do not understand or accept what the rest can feel, even going so far as to deny their internal states. All this makes each individual live feeling empty, unimportant, misunderstood, etc. There is a significant lack of values ​​such as love, empathy and respect.

3. Presence of various problems

Dysfunctional families often function in highly stressful settings. Beyond their internal dynamics, they often have additional problems. An example of this is substance addiction or unemployment. The result is a chaotic, disorganized and violent structure.

4. instability and insecurity

Dysfunctional families are chaotic and that makes them unpredictable. Children can be scared, since they don't know what will come next. There is no general feeling of confidence and security, because at any moment everything can explode through the air. It is a very stressful environment where constant alertness is a reality.

5. Hermetism against the outside

Dysfunctional families tend to be very secretive, so they do not maintain a frequent exchange of influence with the outside. They function as an independent miniature society. Members often feel afraid or ashamed when it comes to telling outsiders what happens inside the home, so secrecy prevails in the gallery. Parents are usually in charge of educating their children in this law of silence, trying to keep them clinging to the codes and rules of the system while distrusting everything else. All this means that the social support network of this family is very limited, which further fuels the stress and the dynamics derived from it.

6. parenting

Parenting is a phenomenon by which children assume the role of caregivers that their parents should exercise. In dysfunctional families it is a fairly common situation, as parents act negligently on a physical and/or emotional level.. Children are forced to take the reins and assume inadequate responsibilities according to their age and degree of maturity. In some cases, the children end up assuming that it is their duty to take care of providing emotional support to their parents, leaving them without that support that they need so much.

7. Agglutination and fuzzy boundaries

Dysfunctional families also stand out for their tendency to stick together and their lack of limits. The members do not differ from each other, but rather make up an amalgam of people who do not have the right to reaffirm themselves. This difficulty in separating from the rest can be strictly physical, but also symbolic. Private affairs are always shared with the whole family, they are not allowed to have their own space and there is no room for secrets of any kind.

8. Ambivalence

Ambivalence is another characteristic of these families. Despite the high level of violence and conflict, members need each other. A bonding relationship is formed in which contradictory emotions appear, which generates a lot of frustration and confusion. Children feel lost, since those who need the most are the same people who frighten them.

Psychological effects of dysfunctional families

Considering all of the characteristics mentioned, it should come as no surprise that growing up in a dysfunctional environment leaves a psychological mark. Among the many negative consequences for children, we could highlight some such as the following.

1. Bonding difficulties

The first bonds that we form in our lives are not decisive, but they do influence our adult relationships to a greater or lesser extent. When we have grown up in an environment that has not given us love, security and protection, we are unable to form a secure bond with our reference adults. When someone so important fails us, we more or less consciously internalize the idea that no one can be trusted.

In adulthood, there may be problems forming healthy new bonds with other people, such as a partner. Some people develop bonds based on dependency, while others may adopt an avoidant dynamic for fear of further abandonment. In any case, having lived in such a family can alter our ability to bond with others.

2. violence tolerance

Living in a dysfunctional family is synonymous with growing up exposed to inadequate relational models based on violence. When we learn that those who should love us can also harm us, our vulnerability to future violent relationships automatically increases. Simply, there is no other way of relating or another concept of love, which contributes to tolerating aggression, lack of respect, etc.

3. Violent behavior learning

In line with the previous point, people who have grown up in violent family environments run the risk of becoming aggressors in the future. Much of our learning is produced by processes of observation and imitation, and when it comes to violence we are not talking about an exception. For this reason, it is possible that those people who suffered or witnessed abuse in their childhood continue to perpetuate these violent dynamics.

4. Lack of order, meaning and direction

It is our family that teaches us basic skills to function in life. Thanks to it we can acquire rules, habits and customs that allow us to build our own life project in an organized way. However, when someone grows up in a dysfunctional environment, these learnings never occur. Having lived in a chaotic climate, without values ​​or norms, it is difficult to have a clear meaning in life and have a coherent project for the future. Life is lived in fits and starts without having a compass to guide. All this makes it difficult to have a good employment and economic situation, as well as stable relationships with shared plans.

5. Difficulty managing conflict

People who have grown up in dysfunctional environments are used to witnessing inadequate conflict resolution. They have always associated the existence of discrepancies with aggressiveness, violence and contempt. Instead, they have never learned to handle these situations from the assertiveness. Because of this, it becomes difficult for them to manage conflicts in their adult life.

Since conflict (not violence) is an irremediable part of human relationships, this difficulty usually generates a lot of suffering in the person once they start having relationships adult. Instead of resolving their differences, the person may opt for a posture of passivity and submission, putting the interests of others first to prevent conflicting situations from arising. Although this tactic may work at first, over time it ends up being damaging and wearing you down, as difficult emotions and unsatisfied needs build up.