Sandra García: "Many shortcomings are manifested in relationships"

It is common that, when thinking about the type of person who is very sure of herself, someone who is very independent and who gives little importance to what others think of her comes to mind. However, it would be a mistake to believe that the fact of having self-confidence implies having learned to love oneself. And achieving the latter is closely linked to our ability to love others, as indicated by the psychologist Sandra García Sánchez-Beato in her book.

• Related article: "Learn to love yourself: 10 keys to achieve it"

Interview with Sandra García Sánchez-Beato: How can we learn to love ourselves in order to learn to love others?

Sandra García Sánchez-Beato is a General Health Psychologist and author of the book Awaken the heart: The art of loving yourself well. In this interview he talks about some of the main reflections that he has reflected in this work.

What made you get the idea to write this book?

The book arises from a path of personal development. Through my personal and professional experience, I have been discovering that the first step we have What to give to learn to relate to and love others well is to have a good relationship with ourselves. themselves.

Many shortcomings are manifested in interpersonal relationships. Depending on how we have been loved by our parents or caregivers, we will start a path of giving and receiving love. It can be from insecurity, the fear of abandonment, perhaps to feel the recognition that we did not have... The The reality is that in relationships we put mechanisms in place to compensate for what was left incomplete in our history. This way of creating bonds can entangle us in situations that harm us or that are not good enough for us or for others.

If we are not open to discovering our wounds and conflicts in order to heal ourselves, we will not be able to open our hearts to other people. Only when we enter a stream of understanding and compassion can we clear that space. internal to accept our vulnerability and meet the fragility of the other without rejecting none.

Based on your experience as a psychologist, do you think that people tend to make the mistake of assuming that personal relationships can be improved just by behaving differently towards others, instead of doing more in-depth work with one same?

Many times we blame the other for problems in relationships. It is the others who have to change, who do this or that to provoke. It is clear that relationships are interdependent and are part of a linking fabric where many factors are revealed. But precisely because human relationships are complex and varied, they need a deep approach. Behavior change is not enough. It is like trusting in the size of the tip of an iceberg without being aware of its enormous hidden base. If he doesn't dodge, we can collide with the submerged ice and sink the ship.

We need to transform our minds and hearts at a deep level so that healthy and lasting bonds can be created. If this is not done, they will be mere adaptive attitudes that will hardly last over time because they are not well rooted.

If you had to name two fundamental pillars of psychology that you use every day when caring for people and that are reflected in this book, what would they be?

The vision with which I work is based on several principles, but I could summarize it in two main ones.

The first is to be certain that all beings have an innate goodness. This kind essence is veiled by conditioning, negative tendencies and disturbing emotions that make it difficult for us to connect with it. The work of discovering, understanding and deactivating these conditionings is what we do in the therapeutic process. The important thing is to go to the root of the pain and dry it so that the weeds stop growing.

If we also cultivate our inherent positive qualities, such as love, compassion, and our individual strengths, the The result will be to be able to lead a life of well-being that makes sense to us and, in turn, is beneficial to our environment and community. Awakening our hearts to that innate goodness and learning to love ourselves implies releasing our conditioning. Transforming our conflicting emotions and sowing seeds with positive resources and healthy tendencies will make it easier for our lives to flourish.

The second is to observe and experience the true nature of our mind and mental phenomena. In addition to working with sources of conflict, it is essential to discover the mental space where they manifest. If through the experience of meditation we discover the spaciousness, the luminosity and the flow of our mind, we will be able to perceive that These processes also have a number of inherent characteristics that can help prevent us from getting caught up in them causing suffering.

All the processes that arise in our mind are impermanent (they arise and disappear continuously), they are interdependent. (depend on causes and conditions subject to constant change) and lack an inherent entity (there is nothing fixed or solid in they).

Understanding these factors in depth helps us to let go and have a deeper vision of reality and our suffering. It is like realizing that what arises in our mind is the same as writing in water, it leaves no trace. It is us who cling and solidify conflicts, causing pain. This is only trained through meditation, otherwise it is difficult to observe the subtle level of our mind.

What are the problems that can be experienced by those who try to establish emotionally significant relationships with others, but at the same time do not love themselves?

Loving yourself in a healthy way is equivalent to being in tune with our mind, our body and our words, paying attention to what we think, say and do. Being aware of our vulnerabilities and knowing how to accept and repair them with respect, understanding and affection. This constant attention and deep connection with ourselves allows us to get in tune with others. We can connect with the moods of others from a more understanding and compassionate perspective.

If we understand and accept our wounds, we will understand and accept the wounds of others without entering into wars or power struggles. We can open spaces where it is easier to listen, share and solve respectfully.

If oneself does not accept his dark side, it will be difficult for him to see his sources of conflict and every time one of his wounds touches, a confrontation will take place. There are people with a lot of unresolved pain that seems like minefields. You never know how they are going to react or what the triggers for their reactions are. This makes a healthy relationship very difficult. It can give rise to self-centered, narcissistic, dependent, manipulative attitudes,... that are activated hoping that others will repair their pain or compensate for their shortcomings.

Could you give some examples of frequent thoughts through which people tend to evaluate themselves unfairly without even realizing it?

Mental processes manifest in our mind in different ways: thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations, perceptions, etc. And these have been woven depending on our own history, creating limiting beliefs or negative attributions that condition the way we live and perceive ourselves. We appropriate a negative emotional identity and don't allow ourselves to give ourselves other opportunities.

These experiences lead us to be our worst enemies: we criticize ourselves, demand, judge, underestimate... We are not capable of loving ourselves well and treating ourselves with kindness. We give too much power to others. Our life and self-concept depends too much on the value of the other's gaze. We need others, of course, but we have to learn to give ourselves courage, because it doesn't always come from the other at the right time or in the way we look for it.

For example: a person who has not been taken into account, can think of himself "I have no right to have a successful life", a child who lived through depression of her mother and her neglect can feel "if someone suffers I can't be happy" and her happiness can be boycotted, in case of abandonment or affective negligence I can believing "I am not worthy of being loved", "I am not worth anything", "there is something wrong with me and that is why they reject me", and not allowing ourselves to have sentimental relationships healthy. These processes are creating tendencies that leave imprints in our mental continuum and condition our lives.

We subtract opportunities to end up experiencing exactly what scares us the most and thus confirm our emotional identity. However, if we learn and train ourselves to love ourselves and awaken our hearts to love ourselves well, we will learn that these conditioning factors are not something written on fire in our minds. They are impermanent and interdependent thoughts and tendencies and in our present we have the ability to change it.

We will discover that we can allow ourselves to be happy. Accept our wounds and heal them so they don't hurt or condition our choices.

What does it mean to see our own mistakes and defects from acceptance? How is it different from simply being critical of ourselves in a constructive way?

The acceptation It is a very important step because normally we move in denial, avoidance or rejection and what What we do is bury or banish our painful experiences or wounds to dark corners of our unconscious. The worst thing is that from there they are also exerting a great influence, but we believe that what we do not accept does not exist. And anything farter from the reality.

Acceptance allows us to assume our mistakes, connect with our vulnerability, open ourselves to the pain of traumatic experiences. A wound does not heal if we do not go through a healing, disinfection and healing process. If there is no cure, it will not heal and we will put a lot of energy into avoiding any approach to our wound.

If we have an unresolved abandonment wound, we will have difficulty establishing deep bonds or long-term relationships. The fear of being left can overcome us and cause us to leave the relationship before feeling that the other person asks us to withdraw.

If we accept our abandonment wound and work on it, we will be able to observe the fears and mechanisms that are mobilized when the terror of bonding emotionally and being abandoned again arises. From the acceptance we will give ourselves the opportunity to handle it without causing an unnecessary flight.

If the wound heals, there is no more pain. It will only be a memory of a vital experience.

Part of the content of the book focuses on the act of meditation. What role does meditation have when it comes to connecting with ourselves and learning to love ourselves?

Meditation is an ancient practice that allows us to connect with the true nature of our mind. We can observe not only what arises but how it does, the qualities of mental processes and the space where they manifest. Discovering the way in which they arise and fade naturally and incessantly, is very liberating and revealing because it shows that beyond these phenomena we can connect with our essence. That enlightened heart that resides in all beings.

Loving ourselves well implies allowing ourselves to discover and release everything that distances us from this kind essence. Undertake the path that leads us to experience it and carry it out. Psychotherapy helps us resolve conflict sources, smooth them out and uproot them. Meditation allows us to experience our essence and rest in our innate goodness. Awaken our heart and discover unity with all beings from that space of naked consciousness and shared primordial wisdom.