I can't express my emotions

More than once it will have happened to us that we feel that the words "make a lump in our throats". This can occur in various situations; perhaps, when we consider that what we have to say can hurt the other and we prefer to remain silent. Other times, not being able to express our emotions could have causes that are more difficult to distinguish.

This is where personal beliefs about the world and ourselves can determine how we judge ourselves when we want to express an emotion. With this in mind, let's see why it is so important to learn to express our emotions and what are the reasons why we might have difficulties in doing so.

• Related article: "Emotional management: 10 keys to master your emotions"

Why do we need to express our emotions?

The idea that the human being is a social being is widespread; and this thesis applies perfectly when we want to highlight the relevance of expressing our emotions. We cannot think of our lives apart from others, but we need interaction with others to perform in the different contexts in which we operate on a daily basis, such as family, work or the school.

And not only that, the expression of emotions has also allowed us to get to where we are right now. According to Darwin, the stability of a species is determined by its reproductive success and its ability to survive, so it is necessary that it has the ability to emit a series of clear signals to transmit relevant information to the rest of the individuals in it species. It is in the field of signals where emotional expressions come into play. Are have a high adaptive value, since they allow the behavioral coordination necessary to transmit fast and precise information to other individuals in the group.

Let's think about it in a threatening context, like a hunting situation. How difficult it would be to get food if we could not understand the directions and expressions of others! In addition, the interpretation of emotions are usually considered universal. Despite small differences, research has shown that there is broad agreement across cultures in the interpretation basic emotions such as fear, anger, joy, sadness, surprise and disgust, whose recognition reaches 70% in terms of similarity.

In other words, we need to express our emotions because doing so is something useful and functional. We are predisposed to understand each other according to interpretations of the other's basic emotions. This ability, although we do not need it to hunt, is still useful in many circumstances, such as solving a task with a work team, empathize with a friend when he has a problem or reach an agreement in a difficult conversation with a couple. Building solid interpersonal relationships is the basis of our lives, and for this it is necessary not only to understand the other but also to clearly teach what happens to us. But, what if we have difficulties to achieve it?

• You may be interested in: "The 12 basic communication skills"

Possible reasons why I can't express my emotions

Even knowing how important it is for human beings to express ourselves, it is possible that this task is not so easy. In fact, some actions like crying can be particularly difficult for some people even though we all know the sensation of relief that we will achieve afterwards thanks to the endorphins that our brain releases to appease the pain.

There is no single cause to determine the reasons why a person cannot express their emotions. However, one of the possible underlying causes of difficulty expressing yourself is having a distorted belief. Beliefs integrate the contents of our cognitive schemes (that is, those networks of relationships between concepts that determine how we interpret reality) and, in some cases, may be biased by our personal experience and history of learning. In other words, it is possible that the way we understand the world does not have a logical or useful correlate in the face of reality. For example, when faced with an emotional state of sadness due to a breakup, a person could have difficulties to evoke crying if the belief with which he interprets said experience is "the Men don't cry."

Closely linked to this, many people are unable to express themselves because they feel overwhelmed by the opinions of your internal dialogue such as "look how pathetic you look" or "you are a burden for the other person, they are not going to grasp"; causing them, instead of expressing their emotion, to keep it to themselves. It can also cause a person to systematically avoid conflict in order not to have to deal with it. a possible negative reaction from the other person, or in order to avoid the ghost of internal dialogue that threatens Yeah. Nevertheless, This strategy can bring negative consequences, such as ending up communicating what is happening to you in an unclear or assertive way —what is often called “exploiting”— and putting the relationship with the other person at risk.

• Related article: "Personal Development: 5 reasons for self-reflection"

Learn to express your own emotions

Fortunately, it is possible to ask for help in learning to express one's emotions. Some strategies that could be aimed at are carrying out a restructuring of one's own beliefs or a change in the internal dialogue; or, from other approaches, the defusion of difficult thoughts.

For this, there are multiple psychotherapies capable of helping the person to release the obstacles that prevent them from expressing themselves clearly. Another aspect that a person who finds it difficult to show their emotions and that has been widely researched in the scientific field could work on is Emotional Intelligence. This ability supposes the ability to not only perceive one's own emotional states and those of others, but also regulate them according to the particularities of each situation.

Work with a therapist on the different dimensions that Emotional Intelligence implies, such as emotional attention, clarity of feelings and emotional repair, could be an excellent way to learn to express your feelings. emotions. It is not easy, but there is always someone on the other side to ask for help.