Do we move away from Suffering, or in that attempt do we get closer to it?
Have you ever thought that sometimes we want to stop feeling a certain way and the more we struggle with it or the more we think about it, the more we continue to feel the same or worse?
This does not happen by chance, and it has nothing to do with a lack of will or predisposition, it is rather related to the types of behaviors we have, with the things and activities we do and even with what we don't we make.
The tendency to avoid suffering
Wanting to avoid suffering or discomfort by doing or not doing certain things is known as experiential avoidance and arises from the belief -if I avoid that something that uncomfortable I'm going to feel good- and yes, to a certain point we're going to feel better because we didn't expose ourselves, but unconsciously we don't realize that at Avoiding this discomfort, we also avoid growth experiences and we are tied to not getting close to what bothers us so much that in the long term it can take me away from my goals and goals.
We have two ways to avoid this suffering
, and both lead us to the same result, I invite you to get to know them and recognize them as being the case, since being aware of this can be a great step to start building our welfare.Active Avoidance
This type of avoidance consists of escaping from a situation to avoid danger and prevent discomfort or uncomfortable sensations, believing that we reduce suffering. For example: if our biggest fear is failure, then we will constantly start asking others if we are doing things right, without realizing that if at some point someone comes to think differently from us can generate a crisis or in turn most of the times if not all I will need to be accompanied by someone to take my own decisions.
passive avoidance
The second way is passive avoidance, which is a set of behaviors that distance us from unpleasant stimuli and thus do not expose our fear or insecurity. That is, if we are afraid of being robbed, I try all the time not to leave the house so as not to face danger, that is, not to expose myself.
How can we deal with this experiential avoidance?
The acceptation It is the first step, and I consider it to be the fundamental one, since in this way we break for the first time the cycle that we have inadvertently prolonged longer than we would have liked. This term is related to admitting, that is, being compassionate - with myself and with others - the fact of keeping in mind that I can win and lose, suffer or enjoy, as well as understanding that not everything is related to extremes, that there are also midpoints and different points of view of the same situation; keep all this in mind, especially identifying that things happen and that going through a negative or positive event is not the totality of who you are.
For example: when failing a subject there can be an endless number of thoughts that lead me to the same point of not having passed said subject, acceptance allows us to understand that even if I have lost the subject, it is not functional for me to stay stagnant, but rather to be kind to myself and continue, identify what my mistakes or defects were and identify how I can improve to solve this problem, unlike if we do not accept it we can postpone taking that subject again, which for the moment we it will be functional because we will not have to face the fear of not passing again, but at the end of the race, if we do not take it we will not be able to achieve the goal of graduate.
The second point is related to being in the present moment, in other words, connect with the here and now, keeping in mind that I have an event that needs my attention or solution. This part allows us to understand that the present is the only place where I can act and begin to make a difference, and that by anchoring to my past events or what can happen makes us more likely to repeat ineffective behaviors and judge ourselves for what "we should or have to do", in the same way by being present in our reality (which is not always easy) we stop avoiding what is happening because we start to be more aware of the actions we need to take to cope with what is happening. happening. Phrases that can help us situate ourselves in our present can be –Me here, me now.
The third and last point is commitment, taking this into account as understanding the importance that oneself has in their personal process. This is one of the most difficult parts because it has to do with allowing ourselves to experience pain and suffering, having behaviors that make us face situations or realize that our suffering will not be eternal if we start doing different things. It is thus that, putting together to do what helps us achieve our goals, no matter how difficult it may be, is not comes entirely from professionals, or techniques, it is also essential how committed we are to our welfare.
To better understand, let's present the following situation: if it's difficult for me to understand English, the only way I can do it is by doing exercises, practicing lessons, exposing yourself to what causes me so much conflict, even if I don't like it and feel uncomfortable, if my goal is to learn that language, no matter how many resources they provide me, if I did not allocate time to carry out this activity, I will not be able to learn English. The same goes for our thoughts and emotions, they won't change if I don't commit to doing something to make them change and transform.
This is why experiential avoidance is not a functional solution because sooner or later it will reappear in our daily lives, which is why the starting to perform different actions, however difficult they may seem, will give us the opportunity to face our greatest fears and come to see more calm the events that are happening to us, because we accept them, we connect with what is happening and we begin to face them or we stop avoid them.