Couples therapy from social/relational constructionism

In our professional practice we approach each meeting with consultants, from a position of respect, curiosity, creativity, acceptance and legitimation of differences, open to listening deep; with the awareness that each session is each time, as if it were the first time; and We maintain a genuine human interest to understand people's stories, caring for the dignity of relationships.

Our questions (the question is the way we talk in therapy) seek to give context to those descriptions, narratives. People and their contextualized stories acquire consistency and dignity. We are guided by the idea that any relationship and communication that does not put dialogue first means abuse and exclusion.

We ask based on the last thing that has been said by the person and after the question, not to “get out” or obtain information but to understand, we listen in silence, without interrupt. The fundamental thing is to build the connection with the consultants, an authentic connection, based on trust, security, the absence of prejudices and stereotypes, leaving judgments and criticisms out of the reflective conversation that develops with their own time and rhythm. AND,

As there are different people, couples and families in our consultation, the way of connection is also different with each one of them and with each relational context..

We are not dogmatically “married” to theories, techniques or a “should be” of the supposed experts in the field of mental health, psychology; Instead, we start from trust in the dialogue process, we focus on the positive to make it grow, we seek to contribute in ways significant to mobilize the resources and strengths that all consultants have, we honestly trust in their own resources and strengths.

In this relational weaving through a generative dialogue, we (the therapists with the clients) build authentic human connections, which arise from respect, connections created “from the heart”, of being able to embrace complexity and uncertainty, of being willing to be moved and not fear, block or silence vulnerability human. In a permanent process of responsible self-reflection, based on relational ethics.

Socioconstructionist/relational posture and perspective for couples therapy

This relational stance emphasizes our interconnectedness as we co-create and construct new meanings.. Throughout our years of experience in therapeutic processes with couples, we have been able to notice countless unsaid expectations (“the unsaid tyrannizes people's lives”) and a wide variety of contradictions in which they manifest.

For example: “We come so that in this therapy you can change it.” “I hope that after these therapies, which is the last thing we do, the last opportunity to save our relationship, and that so we don't have the guilt of not having tried until the end, I hope we are happy and stop fighting, living resentful.” “We are here because we no longer have sexual intimacy and it doesn't matter much, but we want to see if something can be done.” “I can't stand it anymore that his family gets involved in our affairs, that they decide for us and that we never have our spaces and times freely, as a couple and as a family.” “I don't have my own money and I feel like I have to beg for money and it seems unfair to me.” "He doesn't do anything at home, he's like a parasite, you have to serve him and he's angry, he just demands and the children are afraid of him." “Our children are a disaster and it is his/her fault.” “Since we got together, the truth is, my hopes of making come true what I foolishly dreamed I could do as a couple and I no longer expect anything” “We don't talk, we have nothing to talk about; When I talk to him he doesn't listen to me; he does not care about me; “Everyone is on their own.” Etcetera etcetera.

After welcoming you to the space for your true word not for the empty word, we invite you to make your voice heard. own voice, to exercise the right, to authorize each person's voice to be heard, without being interrupted, with respect and ask them, in turn, for example: What is the most important, most significant thing that you would like us to know about you to understand what kind of person you are? Or, if not: What are your best hopes for this meeting? Or, also: What would you like to see happen differently in this meeting, what would you like to leave with at the end of the session?

After the first 3 sessions with the couple, we usually invite them to an individual session with each one and after that session (there are always issues that they prefer to discuss, sometimes about themselves, without the presence of the other) we return to the sessions with the couple.

Anyway, after they describe what they choose to tell or begin to confront about the knots relational relationships, which generate pain, sadness, fears, guilt, frustration, resentment, mistrust, resignation, etc. At some point in the session, we usually ask them, if appropriate, if they want to discuss these 5 issues that cause crises in couples, that make couples implode or have an irreversible expiration date and that are not talked about, because almost, with a thought magical, It is assumed that if my partner cares about me, he should realize what happens to me, what happens to me, what is not right between us, with our current life..

And, no, no matter how much you love each other or have loved each other, neither telepathy nor reading the other's mind exists in relationships. If you don't tell your partner what you think, want, need, what you no longer like, etc., it is impossible for your partner to truly understand.

Being aware that it is not enough that you love your partner or tell him that you love him, what counts is that your partner feels loved in the way he needs to be loved. And, this is a process that must be constantly updated. The adult and responsible way of acting and being with others (with reflective and relational pragmatics) is speaking, asking, saying, manifesting, expressing with words. Without assuming or believing that the other person feels, thinks and needs the same thing as me, all the time.. They are different people, with the right to think, feel and speak differently.

The 5 points that challenge us

We pose generative questions that open new possibilities, new meanings: “How can we avoid repeating what has not worked? Is it possible to find a way where what doesn't work is not repeated?” In a relationship, there are always 3 protagonists, participants: the I, the you and the we.

The committed construction of we, a sense of we, is what it means to jointly build a project for the future; developing a sense of belonging, joy, responsibility, freedom, pleasure, common well-being. May both members of the couple decide to joyfully commit themselves to nurturing, feeding daily with love, passion, desire, enthusiasm, confidence, freedom, pleasure, dreams, strengths, this we, is what gives life and meaning to a life with the other.

1. Sexuality

A couple is a couple because they have an active sexual life -if not they are brothers-; mutually satisfying sex life; with orgasms also for women. Did you know that much research on female sexuality shows that the majority of women have never experienced an orgasm and that most of those women fake an orgasm that Never has? How is your sexual intimacy going, does it exist, is it satisfactory? Is there intimacy, connection, creativity, are they vulnerable, curious, do they explore, talk, say what they like and what they don't, what would they like? Are there any taboo topics between you regarding sexuality? Have there been infidelities; What impact and consequences have they had on the couple's relationship? We can talk about this, if it doesn't bother you, and whatever you want about this context of the relationship, with freedom and respect.

2. Money

Managing money in the relationship: Who manages the money? Who decides on its use? Who has more or less power in relation to money in the couple? Who chooses what to buy, for whom, where to vacation and how to pay? Do you have joint or separate accounts? share expenses? Who decides whether to save or not, what priorities exist for expenses? Is it a common fund and do both have the same right to use that money? Do they inform each other, consult each other, support each other financially? Do they have a feeling of democracy, of justice in the management of money within the couple and family relationship? Are they a team, is there solidarity, do they take care of each other on this level?

3. The family of origin of each one

How have they differentiated themselves from their respective families of origin? Are there reciprocal limits of respect with and between these families? Do you feel accepted and respected by your partner's family? Do they maintain an autonomous life independent of their partner's family? How do you handle and resolve family conflicts, how invasive are they from your own current family?

4. Education of children

It does not refer to the choice of schools, colleges, universities. But rather the type of value principles with which we want our children to grow, develop and sustain them in their future. Usually, if this paradox occurs, he or she says: “I want to educate my children with the values ​​that educated me, not how they educated you, I don't want them to turn out like you.” What are the 3 or 5 principles that you would like your son/daughter to choose as the direction of their existence? What does each of these principles mean? Which ones do you embody?

5. Dreams

What dreams of your own nourish you? Is your relationship the place for realizing each person's dreams? And for the realization of the couple's common dreams? Does the other allow you to realize yourself, flourish, transform yourself by making dreams come true and rejoicing with you in those personal and shared achievements? Does your partner know - have you told him yours, have you asked him - what your personal, academic, professional, artistic, etc. dreams are? more important? Do you care? Are they interlocutors, at the same level, with each other?

Conclusions

One of the most important writers in the Spanish language, Javier Marías, wrote in one of his masterpieces “Corazón tan blanco”, making reflect to its protagonist about what it means to have a partner, to be with a partner, to have someone who loves and respects you and whom you love and you respect; This happens when you sleep next to your partner: “…we only feel supported when there is someone behind us, at our side.” backs... sometimes, that someone even puts a hand on our shoulder with which he calms us and also helps us. fastened.

This is how most marriages and couples sleep or believe they sleep...so that one turns his or her back to the other throughout the entire night and knows that he or she is supported by him or her, by that other...". Having a partner is and means feeling and knowing that someone - your partner, that other person - has your back, in that circumstance - which is life - in which you are vulnerable.. He is with you, you count on that person. This relationship with the other is a safe, reliable place; your place.

These and infinite other themes (creating space for the expression of the multiple voices present in the protagonists of the relationship) are reflected on. with emotional intelligence, with relational ethics, being present with the other - fully and with integrity - in that transformative dialogue called therapy. Welcome to these generative processes that open up possibilities for the future.