Falling in love with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder affects approximately 2% of the general adult population. It is characterized by four types of symptoms: extreme impulsivity, mood instability, interpersonal problems and identity alterations. The symptoms are generally very varied (some present self-harm and suicide attempts) and usually cause a lot of suffering to the person who suffers from it and their loved ones.

In therapy, people come who have romantic relationships with people who have been diagnosed with this disorder, and they do not know how to treat them. That is why I would like to give some guidelines or advice on how to use them, although it is always advisable to put yourself in the hands of a mental health professional to guide us. I am going to focus on the couple, but relatives or friends close to the patient may relate to this description.

How does BPD manifest itself in relationships?

The symptoms with which partners of patients with BPD usually come to therapy are: guilt, emotional denial and repression, fear and irritability, emotional exhaustion, grief, anger and ambivalence emotional. On some occasions these couples also tend to have another mental disorder.

One of the main symptoms in BPD are the relationship problems they have with the environment and that appear since early adolescence.. Bonding as a couple can be in the form of emotional dependence or in an ambivalent way. Generally, people with BPD show two types of relationship problems:

1. Anxious bond

They express an inability to tolerate separation (feeling of loneliness) from the person they love. In this case they usually feel a feeling of emotional emptiness and a high fear of abandonment. When the partner is close, the world of the person who has BPD only revolves around them..

This ends up triggering an emotional dependence on the partner, which in some cases becomes instrumental dependence, while the couple covers all your needs, not just emotional ones (for example, carrying out administrative procedures, or going to buy things, talking to someone, banking, etc.). Relationships are fusional, establishing very clear limits with the rest of the people. For example: not wanting your partner to hang out with coworkers.

There are two types of profiles that have BPD that present the anxious attachment: those that have a regressive tendency (more infantile), who look for the figure of “the savior” and need to be taken out of their suffering and everything they have to work for themselves themselves. This profile usually adopts a more victimist and defenseless attitude..

The other type of profile that has an anxious attachment is more egocentric. He assumes that the partner is there to respond to his wishes or orders, since he “does not know” how to do things on his own. Here, threats, tyrannical attitude or extreme jealousy usually occur on the part of the patient. The dependency in this case is not regressive (childish), but egocentric. But in both cases it denotes the patient's insecurity. What happens is that on the outside he is perceived as a self-sufficient person. Recommendations for the partner of the person who has BPD:

• Foster independence: Do not carry out tasks that the partner can do themselves (for example, preparing their CV, looking for a job, doing household chores...).

• Continue carrying out activities independent of the couple with BPD: For example, do not give in to phrases like (“don't leave me alone” or if he cries, gets angry, “on his face”). That is, not only focus on the bond with your partner, but continue taking care of other areas of your life (personal space, friendships, not stopping seeing your family). For example, if the couple meets to play sports, the patient should not participate in this activity. and you do not have to ask him who went, what he did and you do not have to say a fixed time at which he will return. You can say, I will come to dinner in the evening. Do not answer the patient's WhatsApp during your personal leisure time. It would only be allowed in serious cases such as hospitalization, but not because he “feels sad.” It is necessary to apply it strictly, since the emotionally dependent person watches WhatsApp continuously to be able to manage their anxiety regarding separation.

• Ignore when the patient punishes through silence or interrogations when he arrives home: The couple should show serene indifference and not show contempt, carrying out activities at home naturally. That is, the person with BPD has to realize the unhealthy pattern of themselves and their partner, they must “act” and not reinforce the continued existence of this dependency bond.

• Do things for yourself:The person with BPD has to face their feeling of emotional emptiness, anxiety problems or social phobia, insecurity about how to perform tasks (performance anxiety) and fear of abandonment. You are afraid of making mistakes and being judged by other people. If he does not do things himself, he tends to remain in his comfort zone, considerably increasing his emotional and instrumental dependence on his partner. If the patient responds with: “yes you know I had a terrible time,” respond: “it is for your own good and you know that over time you will feel good about yourself.” They have to feel that it is part of their healthy psychological development to acquire this independence, and it is better to ask them: how have you felt? (engine of change) Than saying “I'm very glad you did it” (this would reinforce the childish attitude of “he's happy with me”).

2. Ambivalent bond

The other type of link they establish is ambivalent: it occurs especially in people with BPD who present pathological pride.. And it usually occurs in cases where these patients have suffered in the past in a relationship where they felt emotionally dependent on their partners. The link is ambivalent because there is an internal conflict between the incessant search to be wanted and an intense fear of feeling vulnerable or being hurt (having the need to be self-sufficient).

For example: he may urgently need advice from his partner, but then get angry at the advice he gives (“you don't understand me”, “let me do what I want”). They are the relationships that we know as: “neither with you nor without you.” The behavior of the person with BPD oscillates between victimhood and tyranny when the partner does not satisfy their expectations, which are usually changing.

What usually happens to couples is that they tend to get fed up and feel learned helplessness (The subjective feeling of not being able to do anything, resulting from the perception of lack of control). At the same time he also feels sorry for the couple's suffering. In this case, they can leave the person with BPD, or stay, but will feel emotionally unstable, depending on how the person behaves towards them..

If the patient feels that his partner is far away, he will tend to look for him and get closer again. On the contrary, if he feels too close, he will tend to avoid. This causes fatigue in the BPD patient themselves, and they prefer to be alone instead of bonding as a couple, since they have not allowed themselves to feel loved. Recommendations for family members of this profile:

• Do not allow yourself to be exploited: Insults or humiliation or even attacks may occur. So are pathological jealousy (rivalry, excessive competitiveness) and discrediting other people around the couple.

• Don't fall for selfishness: It must be taken into account that the person with BPD not only suffers, but also makes people suffer so as not to suffer themselves. Therefore, this is selfishness and should not be tolerated in any case with “poor guy, he doesn't know how to do it any other way.” Unhealthy suffering is when we go from “being a victim to being an executioner with others.” Many people have been victims of someone, but they do not take it out on others.

• Put limits: For all of the above, limits must be set. Use phrases like “I speak well to you, speak well to me.” “Don't talk to me like that.” “I don't allow you to talk like that about…” in case they talk about other people. This does not mean that he stops being egocentric, but it does mean that he can no longer use dominance to get attention. But you will have to learn to negotiate and listen to others. This may cause the relationship to become more equal or the patient to seek out another person.

• Foster independence: As in the previous case, regain independence and promote other links or activities that you have.

• Establish approach rules:Let the family member themselves establish the rules of approach to the patient. There is the feeling that you have to be a fortune teller or have to know when to access or avoid contact with this BPD profile. This is neither realistic nor healthy. This is positive because the patient does not always have to decide when the partner should approach or not. They can use phrases like “I will listen to what you tell me when I can, and I will decide when to do it, whether immediately, later, or not at all.” That is, I can be receptive to you, but I also have the decision whether to do so or not, and when I approach you. It is necessary for the family member to comply with the agreement; if he has told you that he will go later, he must comply and not go immediately.

• Do not retract the limits imposed on you: If the partner comes to see you and the patient says “no”, it is advisable to leave. Do not give in to the patient's pleas or do not insist on seeing him. The message to convey here is that people cannot be treated at their “emotional whim”, and marking the times. Do not go out of “pity” or because of his stubbornness.

If you feel identified, it is good that you ask for help to cope with this whole situation.