What is limerence and why do some people get it?

The scene may be familiar to you:

You meet a person who makes you feel like you are flying; you perceive a connection with it that you have never experienced before; you discover how much you have in common, as if you could read your minds; You enjoy looking at him no matter how disheveled or unkempt he may seem at the moment.

Right away your feelings intensify. You really want to see him again and see what happens next. You can't be wrong and soon the light of your days depends on your interaction with that special someone. You spend all your time thinking about her, about how she smiled at you, brushed your hand and perhaps hinted that she wanted to see you again.

It seems like a unique and intense experience, which only happens once in your life, as if destiny had it prepared for you. But what if it were a trick of your mind leading you to a fantasy world where only you live?

What if what you're feeling is nothing but limerence? That is, a psychological condition of cognitive concern. If you find yourself being irrational, feeling helpless and out of control, then this article is for you.

What is limerence?

This term was first introduced in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book: "Love and limerence, the experience of being in love". She defines it as: “The cognitive and emotional state of being in love or obsessed with another person that is generally experienced in involuntary manner and involving an acute longing for emotional reciprocity, thoughts, feelings, obsessive-compulsive behaviors Y emotional dependence”.

In other words, it is an almost obsessive form of romantic love, but focused on the reciprocity of feelings. The person who suffers it is known as a limerente, thus the desired individual is called a limerente object.

The idea has been widely debated in the field of psychology, some theorists are reluctant to accept its validity. One of the most interesting concepts that Tennov highlighted is that those who have not suffered from it lack an experiential basis with which to accept its existence. This means that if you haven't been through it, you can hardly believe the obsession it creates. On the other hand, if you have lived it, you know its reality very well.

To the dismay of staunch romantics, research suggests that limerence is the result of biochemical processes in the brain. Responding to signals from the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland secretes norepinephrine, dopamine, estrogen and testosterone. This chemical cocktail produces the euphoria of new love and begins to wane as the hormones of attachment (vasopressin and oxytocin) kick in; This normally occurs between 6 and 24 months after starting a relationship. In the same way that changes in the brain make drug addicts feel an intense attraction to getting and using drugs, limerence can lead sufferers to extremes in search of the object of their affected.

Some call it obsession, love sickness, or romanticism, while others associate it with an addiction to love. Albert Wakin, an expert in limerence and professor of psychology at the Sagrado Corazón University, defines it as a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction, an "inescapable longing" for another person. Likewise, she estimates that five percent of the population suffers from it.

Let's see the most typical signs of limerence, which can show that you are not in love, but suffering from a disorder that creates the illusion of feelings.

Signs of limerence

Although it can be difficult to objectively assess the symptoms of limerence when you are suffering from them, Tennov identified the following general characteristics:

• Idealization of the qualities of the other person (positive or negative).
• Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts about that person.
• Extreme shyness, stuttering, nervousness and confusion in her presence.
• Fear of rejection, despair, or suicidal thoughts if rejection occurs.
• Feeling of euphoria responding to real or unfounded signs of reciprocity.
• Fantasizing or obsessively looking for these signs of reciprocity.
• Evoke the loved one in everything that surrounds us.
• Recreate in the mind in detail the encounters with that person.
• Maintain the romantic intensity despite adversity.
• Endlessly analyze each word or gesture to determine its meaning.
• Schedule your agenda to promote the meeting with that person.
• Experiencing physical symptoms, such as flushing, tremors, weakness, or palpitations.

There are remarkable differences between limerence, love and obsession that is worth noting.

Love or limerence? Similarities and differences

At the beginning of a relationship it can be difficult to distinguish between love and limerence. The first takes both members of the couple on an increasingly calm and rewarding path, while in the case of limerence the feelings intensify over time and may cease to be pleasant to one of them, as the person in front of them becomes suffocating and shows little concern for the real well-being of the object of love. Ensuring the other person's affection goes over earning their respect, commitment, physical intimacy, or even love.

In a healthy relationship, neither of you are different. They are in love, but they do not suffer a constant and unwanted struggle with intrusive thoughts about their partner. Instead of seeking reciprocity, the couple consolidates through mutual interests and enjoyment of each other's company.

According to Tennov, in most relationships where limerence is present, one is limerent and the other is not. These relationships tend to be unstable and intense. If they are both fiery, the spark usually goes out as fast as it did. Experts do not believe in the possibility that the current relationships turn into long-term emotional commitments.

Limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but not as much as a healthy affective relationship based on commitment. Tennov estimates that limerence can last from a few weeks to several decades, averaging between eighteen months and three years. When reciprocated, these feelings can persist for many years. On the other hand, when they are not reciprocated, they generally diminish and eventually disappear, unless the object of your love sends signals. Contradictory or physical or emotional distance prolongs the intensity and uncertainty (for example, you live in another city or are married).

Unlike love, limerence is not a choice, but an emotional trap. But, Is there a personality trait or external factor that makes us more likely to succumb to it?

Factors that make some people more vulnerable

Perhaps we should divide this section into two parts to better understand what leads certain people to fall more easily into an obsession with love. The first would be: what triggers the attraction?

• It is a biological drive to reproduce.
• We repeat the roles learned during childhood in relationships where we feel hurt, hoping for better luck this time.
• We seek love and approval.
• Things that attract us unconsciously when looking for a partner: facial characteristics, voice, smell, pheromones, way of moving, etc.

The second part would be: What makes us get caught up in obsession?

• A very significant part of the people of Lima have suffered some type of childhood trauma, which makes them more sensitive to falling into the lack of selfesteem, obsessive behaviors, addictive tendencies, emotional dependence or addiction to love.
• They have suffered some type of emotional crisis that makes them more vulnerable to seeking approval
• Midlife seizures or changes can act as a trigger for some people.
• If the love object has an elusive personality, the tug of war in the relationship can drive them crazy with uncertainty and act as fuel for limerence in those who are sensitive to her.
• The behavior or personality of the loved individual, reminds them of the environment in which they grew up, they experience sensations that are familiar and comfortable, although deep down they are toxic and destructive.
• There is still much to discover on this subject and it is not ruled out that the key lies in some structural or biophysiological abnormality of the brain.

What can we do if we think we are trapped in an obsessive love?

The first and most important step is to recognize that we are in a mess that we probably cannot get out of without help. Although it is not an easy path, there are constructive actions you can take to improve your life and overcome your insecurities.

A therapist can guide you in finding the root of your insecurity and understanding why you find yourself in this situation, as well as analyze the behavior patterns that undermine your mood, look for the habits that sabotage it, and work to break them.