The exercise of parenthood: repentant mothers and fathers?

Recently, the testimonies of mothers and fathers who, despite loving their children above everything, to this day they seriously question whether they would have made the same decision in case of being able to go back in the weather.

What could this change in perspective be due to? What factors may be supporting such claims?

Being parents: what implications does it have today?

Fatherhood becomes a set of experiences and strong character changes both at a personal (individual) and family (systemic) level that have place in a period of time determined between the moment when the future arrival of the baby is known and the two years after the birth of this, approximately.

During this relatively short stage, numerous events occur that can be a source of life for the future parent. emotional stress. For this motiveor there is talk of transition or crisis of the family cycle.

Despite the fact that, in a generic way, the satisfactions that this new role entails can offset the balance derived from stressors, these The latter are of considerable relevance and imply an adequate adaptive management that prevents the experience of the new stage as a father / mother in a way problematic. These factors can be differentiated: the time and effort devoted to caring for the baby, the change in the marital relationship, the difficulty of reconciling the different roles exercised by each individual (professional and / or personal), the change in schedules and daily routines, the increase in family financial expenses or the increase in the complexity of family relationships, which go from being understood as dyadic systems (relationship between the couple) to triadic systems (relationship father-mother-son).

Transition to parenthood: life changes

Between the processes of change and continuity in the transition to parenthood, adaptations can be distinguished both individually and at the conjugal level. Among the former, there are modifications in daily habits (which refer to a restriction and alteration in the sleep, individual and interpersonal free time, sexual habits and financial availability), the consequences in the identity of the subject, their self-concept and self-esteem derived from the emergence of the new role as father / mother and the management of the adoption of the roles that tend to be emphasized with the arrival of a child (understanding the mother as the main caregiver figure and the father as the breadwinner economic only).

On the other hand, changes, albeit of moderate intensity, also take place in marital relationships in terms of the establishment of new habits and shared activities (mainly leisure and sexual relationships) tend to provide less satisfaction than previously; the organization of household chores and the assumption of family roles (of relative repercussion); changes at the professional level (more pronounced for the mother than for the father) and the redistribution of time allotted for family relationships and friendships (increase in the former and decrease in last).

Family role: the socializing agent

In order to achieve the ultimate objective of promoting a satisfactory development of the progeny, the family educational scenario is attributed the main functions of:

• Maintenance, stimulation and support among family members, which focus on the promotion of physical / biological, cognitive-attentional and social-emotional capacities respectively.

• Structuring and control, which are in charge of regulating the three previous functions.

The latter are of relevant importance, since they affect all areas of child development; an adequate structuring translated into the establishment of adaptive norms, routines and habits influences both learning and conceptual-cognitive understanding of the world that surrounds him, as well as in the ability to remain in a balanced socio-emotional state before the perception of control and stability of the environment where he interacts in his day to day.

Therefore, there must be a clear consensus between the parents that allows a consistent and unitary transmission. of all the aforementioned aspects and to provide the child with a guide to behavior and a set of attitudes or values ​​that enhance her future personal and social well-being.

Importance of the parental agreement in the transmission of values

The particularities available to the family nucleus place it in an advantageous position as a transmitting agent of values refer to the expression and reception of affection, the volume and quality of time shared between parents and children, the constancy of the family system and the time and willingness of the members of the family system to ensure a global development of each member.

A) Yes, values ​​are conceptualized as the set of both cognitive and behavioral ideals to which the human being is oriented in the course of the life cycle, which have a more or less stable character and present a mainly subjective character. It could be said that this concept refers to the set of beliefs that guide the subject in the achievement of vital goals or objectives.

Types of securities

Two types of fundamental values ​​are differentiated depending on the function assigned to each one.

• The instrumental values They are understood as competencies and serve to achieve other more transcendental or profound goals (the so-called terminal values). One can speak of values ​​of competence (such as imaginative ability) and moral values ​​(such as honesty).

• The seconds can be classified between Personal values (happiness) or social values (Justice).

The usefulness of the values ​​transmitted by the family

Values ​​have a motivating character that encourages the individual to boost your self-esteem Y positive self-concept and their social competence. The family, as a primary socializing agent, becomes a fundamental source for the internalization and achievement of values ​​in the child, since it has some facilitating characteristics for this process such as proximity, affective communication and cooperation between the different members of the family nucleus.

In the learning of values, the compatibility between themselves must be taken into account and, in case of conflict between some of the them, the one that allows greater social adjustment should be selected based on the defining beliefs of the family in question.

Other factors to consider

But it is not always the case that the values ​​that parents wish to transmit to their offspring end up being transmitted directly, but rather multiple factors can interfere to complicate this initial will, such as the influence of intergenerational family relationships (grandparents-parents-children) and interpersonal in the peer or school context, the dynamic and changing character of the family system itself depending on the experiences that go assuming, the socioeconomic characteristics presented by the family nucleus or the educational style used by the parents to with the children.

Thus, the originally adaptive values ​​that parents intend to transmit are classified into those that enhance personal development (such as autonomy), interpersonal relationships (such as tolerance) and those that facilitate school or work achievement (such as perseverance). Although all are potentially beneficial, sometimes they are not transmitted in a correct by the parents and this produces that the children perceive them incorrectly and that they cannot be internalized.

It seems that one of the aforementioned factors, the educational style, plays a fundamental role in this aspect. Thus, the parents who put into practice a democratic style are those who manage to carry out a more reliable transmission of values ​​than previously expected. This educational methodology is optimal for this objective since it encourages the interaction and participation of all members of the family, being more empathetic, understanding and more open to dialogue than other more educational styles distant.

The effects of constant disagreement

The agreement between both parents on the aforementioned points (the transmission of values ​​and the educational guidelines applied) becomes a determining factor in the child's final behavior. The existence of parental disagreement on these issues exacerbates the appearance of marital conflicts, which focus on disputes about what value or educational style to transmit as a priority instead of focusing on teaching the child an appropriate pattern of behavior. The result of this is significantly detrimental to the family as a whole, since the small does not internalize how he should really act, since the criterion changes depending on the situation.

On the other hand, a negative relationship dynamic is created between parents based on discussion or competition about the criterion that is finally applied, equally maladaptive. All of this can contribute significantly to developing a feeling of dissatisfaction with the parenting experience.

In conclusion

The quality of the family “educational curriculum” (what and how is taught) is a determining factor in child development since, given its implicit and relatively unconscious or indirect, the set of values, norms, skills and learnings are transmitted automatically and involuntarily in most of the occasions. It is therefore convenient reflection on what kind of values ​​and educational guidelines are being transmitted, assessing its suitability from a more conscious and rational perspective.

Due to the importance of the role of the family in the integral development of the child, it seems It is essential that the parental nucleus assumes the responsibility that the decision of the paternity / maternity. As has been proven, there are many changes to be experienced by future parents both on a personal and social level. Therefore, both the emotional stability of each spouse separately, as well as the stability of the parental nucleus itself and the level of agreement between both parents on the educational guidelines to be transmitted are aspects to consider extensively and deeply before making the determination to embark on the exercise of the paternity.

Bibliographic references:

• Aguilar, M. C. (2001): Family education. Challenge or need??? Madrid: Dykinson.
• Carrobles, J. TO. and Pérez Pareja, J. (1999): School for parents. Madrid: Pyramid.
• López-Barajas, E. (ed.) (1997): The family in the third millennium. Madrid: UNED.