Do you always choose the same type of partner?

What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?

This question seems very simple, but many people claim that they really do not know why they choose one person or another. They say that perhaps they are guided at first by certain characteristics - physical or not - that catch their attention or some personality trait or are simply guided by an intuition.

Do you always choose the same type of partner?

It is curious that many people, after breaking up with an unsatisfactory relationship, fall into a similar situation over and over again over time. This situation is due to there is a common denominator in these relationships, they fall in love with a person very similar to their former partner and that leads to repeating the same pattern. Therefore, that generates very similar situations and conflicts in different relationships - but not so different from each other.

Scientific studies say that people tend to relate to their partners in much the same way as they learned to relate to their parents during childhood. Depending on that, a wide range of relational possibilities can be found. If the relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfactory, they will tend to look for partners similar to their parents - in the way of relating and communicating with each other.

On the other hand, if the relationships with the parents were rather negative, conflictive and unhealthy, they tend to repeat those relational patterns in future couples. And why does that happen?

The insecurities that we carry since we were children

This is due to the fact that parental relationships created insecurities, some fears and emotional needs that somehow left that emotional brand that usually accompanies them throughout life. They can look for people who appear to be different from those figures, but who unconsciously have something in common. That's because they try to do better what parents did wrong - or what could be improved.

They are people who at the beginning of a new relationship relate in a positive and healthy way. But that, in the face of some other difficulty or problem as a couple -which always appear over time- they make those insecurities and fears come to the fore. That makes them absorbing, suspicious, distantetc., which is what they learned from the way they related to their parents.

At this point they feel disappointed in their partner, for being completely different from what they knew about that person at the beginning of that relationship. And it is not true that they are different people -the one from the beginning with the one from the end of the relationship- but, in the beginning, they related in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when in one of the two members or in both those fears are activated by some reason. They begin to relate from insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and recorded in their childhood.

Trying not to trip over the same stone

We talk about the tendency to follow the patterns that were learned in childhood, but no one says that those patterns cannot be modified. If one realizes that these patterns lead him to be unhappy with the choice of his fellow travelers in life, he will have to do something to get out of that situation. With greater or lesser difficulty, you can modify some things so that that recidivism in the search for wrong partner patterns it varies, it is modified and it ends up disappearing.

How could we change these troublesome repeat offenders? To get out of this recidivism in the search for complicated relationship patterns we have to fulfill the following points:

1. Identify our fears

Think about what makes us more afraid when we are in a relationship and think about why we may feel that way (parental relationships in childhood, some unsolved love break, etc.).

2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and what are the problems you tend to experience with your partners

In this way you will identify what are the things that you have to work on individually.

3. Overcome fears

Lack afraid for things to happen before they happen. But don't let those fears lead you to create situations that make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

4. Have confidence in yourself and value yourself (know yourself)

We have to keep in mind that every person has a series of strengths and weaknesses (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of this can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviors can be worked on and enhanced. You should not think that your happiness depends on the person next to you (who helps or empowers you) but you yourself should feel good and happy for yourself.

5. Expand horizons

Discovering that there are interesting people who come out of “the patterns you usually fixate on” and that they can contribute many things to you. Expand the type of person you usually fixate on, both physically and personally.