7 keys to connecting with your teenager

One of the phrases that those of us who dedicate ourselves to accompanying families hear the most is that of "My son / daughter does not listen to anything I say." Does this phrase sound familiar to you? Do you feel identified?

If you have a teenager at home, you know that it is not easy to communicate with them., that they listen to all the people who advise them except you, that you often have to ask him dozens of times to do them - if he does. But you should know something: it's not about you, so don't take it personally.

However, those of us who are mothers or fathers of adolescents are concerned that they do not explain their things to us, what goes through their heads, their fears, their problems... We feel that they are light years away from us and from themselves. We see them sad, apathetic, unmotivated... desperate and with episodes of anxiety. Often our worry turns to fear. We want to help you and we don't know how.

• Related article: "The 3 stages of adolescence"

Keys to Raising Responsible and Purposeful Adolescents

We all see how complicated reality is right now, socially and professionally. Today's youth have no guarantee that going through the hoop of the academic system will bring them results or assure them of a successful future.

So much effort and time invested in the classrooms to end up working delivering pizzas... If we think about it like this, we can understand their despair, their lack of motivation, their sadness, their lack of self-confidence, and their insecurity. These emotions lead to behavior problems, distancing, addictions, or self-destructive behaviors.

And although it seems a dramatic context, we must know that we can help them reverse this situation with simple tools of mental change that will allow them to see the light again, regain confidence, motivation and enthusiasm for their own future. And that, after all, shows in their behavior.

If you want to discover some resources to help your teenager, read on.

1. Regain confidence

The first step is to earn their trust back. Although we have had a very close relationship with our children in their childhood, there can be a noticeable estrangement as they enter adolescence. This fact is a consequence of the process of building their identity. Knowing that there are biological reasons that favor this estrangement, we will have to work harder to regain that trust.

Trust is the basis so that when you need our help, you will be able to ask for it, at any time in your life. And that's just what allows us people to get ahead when we are on the edge of the abyss.

Start by not talking about your children's things with others, or at least that they don't know about it, and less in a derogatory way. What would you think of a friend of yours who explains your most intimate secrets from the rooftops?

2. Respect their things, their space, their privacy

Respect, because respect is earned by respecting. If we want to be treated with respect we have to treat them with respect and treat ourselves with respect.

We have established communication patterns that unconsciously lead us to disrespect when our children make mistakes.. Who has not happened to enter the bathroom and have the towels on the floor, the hairdryer on the sink and your angry face in the mirror? At that moment you would yell and say a few curse words, but with that you only manage to weaken the bond of trust and encourage that situation to repeat itself.

On that occasion, it is best to bite your tongue and ask yourself: "If instead of being my daughter who has left the bathroom like this, she had been my best friend, how would I tell her?" Remember that in a very short time you will be an adult, and the relationship you build today will not only determine the relationships that you will have tomorrow, but also the relationship that will exist between you.

Also respect their space, their privacy. We don't have to know everything they do, everything they say, everything they think. It is not necessary when the relationship is based on trust.

3. Offer him help and help him when he asks for it

Help them when they ask for your help, even when you know they can do it alone. Sometimes it is just to check that you will be there if something serious happens to him. Like the 4-year-old who asks for water when he is in bed. It's not that he's thirsty, he just wants to know what you're going to go if he calls you. And if you do not go when you call for the water, the child will obviously think that you will not help him if a monster comes out from under the bed. And there we have the insecurities then. With adolescents we are going to make them know that they can alone - and that we know it -, but that we help them because we want to and because we love them.

4. Add humor

Because laughing is essential, because sometimes it is the best way to approach very serious issues. In fact, serious is not the opposite of fun; the opposite of fun is boring. Laugh at yourself, at your own mistakes; take the iron out of dramas and look for that fun part, especially when it costs more. Laugh at their jokes, even the ones you don't understand, and join them. Laughter generates endorphins and serotonin, which make the brain work better (and that does not hurt in adolescence).

5. Use positive language

Always look for the bright side of things and teach your children to do it too, asking him about the learnings that he draws from even the worst situations. Faced with any seemingly negative circumstance, ask the following question: what opportunity does this give you?

6. Focus on solutions

We tend to waste a lot of time talking about problems, what we have done wrong, mistakes, difficult circumstances... We do it with ourselves, but also with others. Resilience is precisely the ability to carry on despite difficulties, and is educated in the simple circumstances of life. daily life from childhood, helping children to generate solutions to any situation that apparently is a trouble.

To educate their resilient gaze, we must act as resilient people, focusing on the solution when they come to us with a "problem". Think of a situation that could be a "daily problem", whether you have left your backpack at school, got into a fight with a classmate, or failed a subject. In any situation, instead of giving the reprimand, ask him: “Ok, how do you solve it? Do you need some help?".

Thus, not only does he not feel judged, but he also learns that making mistakes is part of life and that the best attitude to live it is to seek solutions and take on one's own actions. Responsibility and resilience, two of the most necessary life skills in today's world.

7. Stop putting limiting labels on it

Many of the parents I work with tell me that the benefits of changing that are noticeable within a few days. And he thinks: how would you feel if the people who supposedly love you the most, told you constantly that you are messy, useless, groggy, breading, vicious, deaf, sensitive, grumpy, stressful, heavy??? I could go on, but it hurts too much already.

Not only are we in danger of weakening the bond of trust and relationship with our children, but we are also damaging their own self-concept, which influences your self-esteem and it is still under construction.

With the application at home of these resources we improve the relationship we have with our adolescents, we favor the creation of a balanced self-esteem and the building of healthy relationships, which will determine the type of relationships you will have in life adult.

On our website you will find many more resources to learn how to use the tools efficiently. Educate (you) before it's too late.