Fear of not being in control of oneself or relationships

Within our nature as human beings, lies the need to feel like we have our life under control. This feeling helps us feel safe and promotes psychological well-being.

However, when this need for control becomes an urgency or an essential condition for our peace of mind, It can wreak havoc on both our personal relationships, our work life and the quality of life in general.

• Related article: "Albert Bandura's Self-Efficacy: Do you believe in yourself?"

What is meant by need to be in control?

To be able to know what a person feels with fear of not being in control We must first know what the need for control is and what psychological implications it has.

By "need for control" we understand the need for the person to understand what surrounds them in order to exert an effect or power over it. As well as the urgency you feel to determine a series of results or consequences before they occur.

In cases where this sense of control is well threatened by chance, because the situation does not depend on the person or because decisions are made by others, it is possible that the person experiences a series of negative emotions such as frustration and anger, which force you to carry out behaviors of domination, extortion or review.

In these cases, a mechanism known as "control motivation" is set in motion. Driven by the motivation of control, the person can react in two different ways: on the one hand, it can appear a psychological reactance, through which the person makes even greater efforts to try to control a situation uncontrollable; or it can be generated a feeling of helplessness in which the attempts to dominate disappear.

Although generally the tendency to plan things or prepare them in advance are considered as positive and really effective for the achieving our goals, when this trend is taken to the extreme and becomes a necessity it can interfere in our lives daily.

• Related article: "Learned helplessness: delving into the psychology of the victim"

What is the cause of this fear?

The excess need for control is usually caused by the fear of not having it. Although the exact causes of this fear of not having control have not yet been determined, there are some theories that relate it to personality or the experience of traumatic events in the past.

One of these theories hypothesizes that on many occasions, under the fear of not having control of the situation, there is an irrational fear of being at the mercy of other people. The cause of this fear at the idea of ​​depending on others may have its origin in traumatic events in which the person felt helpless or vulnerable.

Past experiences of abuse, abandonment, or neglect can lead a person to disproportionately seek to regain the feeling that everything in her life is under control.

However, there are several factors that can play an important role when it comes to influencing the need for control of the person, favoring that this is accentuated in an excessive way. These factors are:

• Traumatic life experiences or abuse.
• Lack of trust.
• Anxiety.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Low self-esteem.
• Beliefs and values ​​of the person.
• Perfectionism.
• Fear to fail.
• Fear of experiencing negative or painful emotions.

What are people with a high need for control like?

Although at first glance people with fear of losing control of their lives, or who simply have the constant need to feel that they have it, tend to appear strong and confident people; the reality is that behind this appearance hides a certain fragility, as well as a great vulnerability to the idea or the fear that there are certain things that cannot be controlled, which occur regardless of what one wants.

People with a tendency to control everything around them experience a great fear of the appearance of sudden and unforeseen events, since your ability to be spontaneous or improvise is not well developed.

In addition, another of the characteristics that define these people is the feeling that the rest depend on their ability to manage the events that occur on a day-to-day basis. So this feeling of responsibility can become a powerful stressor.

What types of control are there?

There are countless ways that people can try to take control of both their environment and other people. These people exercise a kind of dominance in their intimate relationships, in the family, work or social environment.

1. Need to control oneself

When the person experiences an excessive fear of not being in control of your life, you can carry out the following behaviors:

• Compulsive exercise
• Compulsive cleaning or grooming.
• Self-harm.
• Substance abuse.

2. Need for control over others

Some examples of behaviors that these people exercise are:

• Control of the couple's activities.
• Review of personal items such as someone else's phone or social media.
• Prevent another person from talking or interacting with family or friends.
• Gaslighting.
• Dishonest conduct with third parties.
• Overprotective parenting.
• Physical abuse, sexual or emotional.
• Bullying or teasing behavior.

How can psychotherapy help?

Addressing control problems from psychotherapy implies discovering in the person the existence of a great need for control in them. This point is extremely complicated, since in most cases the patient is not able to perceive this need for dominance or power.

During therapy, the patient and the psychologist work together to address the fear underlying this need. As well as the emotions associated with it, such as anxiety, creating a series of useful coping strategies when they appear.

This process in which the patient's self-awareness is worked can help him to renounce the need for control.

Cognitive psychotherapy can help the person identify the true cause of the need for control: self-protection. Emotional instability and lack of options or autonomy they can lead a person to seek control over other aspects of life. Recognizing and addressing this source of discomfort will help you develop self-compassion and accept that part of you that needs protection.