How to better choose your friends: 7 practical tips

Interpersonal relationships are complex processes, although we do not realize it when we get involved in them.

Before the bond of friendship is fully established, an unconscious selection process occurs that focuses on the things we have in common with other people, is what is known as "compatibility".

In this article we are going to review a little how we can go from the unconscious to the conscious regarding the choice of our friends. In other words, let's see how to better choose friends, so that we can avoid disappointment in the future by realizing that those we thought were our friends were not really friends.

• Related article: "The 12 types of friends: what are yours like?"

Why is it important to know how to choose your friends?

It is important to know how to best choose your friends, since they represent a fundamental part of life and it is in social groups where we develop in various aspects very relevant to our identity. In friendship circles we have the opportunity to live with people who, despite being different, show coincidences that make the affective bond possible.

In order to qualify for adequate personality development, you need to experience what it is like to have a group of friends with whom you frequently interact. For this to be a not only pleasant but also constructive experience, it is necessary to know how to choose correctly which groups we interact with.

If we have a tendency to associate with people who have dysfunctional lifestyles, eventually we are going to have some problems similar to those of our friends. This is because socially learned behaviors are not conscious, and inadvertently we end up acting as our social group of reference.

Regardless of whether or not we approve of the way our group of friends behave, if we spend a lot of time with them we will end up replicating inappropriate behaviors. That is why it is advisable to be clear about our principles and values, and when starting new friends, make sure we share the same values ​​and styles of prosocial behavior.

In conclusion, it is important to choose friends correctly in order to maintain the development of adequate social behavior, within the social norms, and also to avoid the frustration that comes after realizing that the friends we have chosen do not really agree.

How to better choose your friends

Now let's see some tips that will be useful when choosing our friendly relationships.

1. There must be sympathy

No friendship relationship is capable of functioning properly if there is sympathy involved. Although we have many things in common with the other personIf we do not feel that we like the other subject, there is no way we can establish a solid friendship relationship, and it is not worth it that we force the deal at that time. The relationship may flow in future situations, but it is not necessary to give that hypothetical potential friendship one chance after another if there are no clear signs that it might come into being.

2. Talk about your interests

A good way to get people with common interests who can be our friends, is to have the habit to mention our hobbies and hobbies in the small talk we usually engage in with any person. We never know when we can run into someone who has things in common.

3. He frequents different places regularly

When we make a habit of frequenting the same places on a recurring basis, it is quite likely that we meet people who do the same, regardless of the reason that leads them to that place. Sometimes, the limitation in terms of the social contexts to which we are exposed, means that we do not have many social relationships to choose from, which increases the chances of accepting almost anyone as friend. It is best to vary, to have the opportunity to meet new people; gym, library, parks, etc.

4. There must be tolerance

Tolerance must be reciprocal, taking into account that despite all the things in common that you and your friends may have, there will always be differences within the bond of friendship. These differences must be managed in the best possible way, within an environment of respect for the ideas of the other.

• You may be interested: "Assertive communication: how to express yourself clearly"

5. See how people treat others

Sometimes the fact that an individual treats us well does not imply that he is a good person. To avoid making a bad decision when letting someone into our lives, it is important to pay attention to how he treats others, and to draw conclusions.

6. Start controversial conversations

Controversial and controversial issues they function as a tolerance meter for the quality of friendship that others can offer us. If the other person feels uncomfortable or reacts defensively when you discuss sensitive or controversial topics, they may not be as tolerant as you might expect.

Of course, make sure you do not touch on controversial topics that speak of problems that your friend has personally suffered in the past, since irritability in the face of these issues can only be due to traumatic experiences and anxiety generated by the concepts discussed.

7. Check if he likes spending time with you

In many cases, people are only interested in our friendship to obtain some specific benefit. and then walk out of our lives, which doesn't have to be negative as long as people know how to express their intentions honestly. Otherwise, it is preferable to avoid people who approach only for favors.

The ideal is to check if your new friends have time for you from time to time, or if on the contrary whenever you invite them somewhere they have an excuse. Not investing time in yourself and just being present to receive some kind of benefit is a red flag; then it is a good idea to start questioning whether there really is friendship.

Do you feel bad about problems in your personal relationships?

Not all friendship-related problems can be solved by taking steps to better choose friends. These strategies help prevent future problems by interacting with others and by placing our trust in others. However, what to do when emotional distress arises from friendships that we have already established, or even that are part of our day-to-day lives and our identity.

In such cases, it is advisable to seek professional help. For thoseIf you notice that these types of problems are affecting you, go to the psychologist.

Bibliographic references:

• Bauminger, N.; Solomon, M.; Rogers, S.J. (2009). Predicting Friendship Quality in Autism Spectrum Disorders and Typical Development. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 40 (6): pp. 751 - 761.
• Cacioppo, J.; Hawkley, L. (2010). Loneliness Matters: A Theorectical and Empirical Review of Consequences and Mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40 (2): pp. 218 - 227.
• Kassin, S., Fein, S., and Markus, H.R. (2017). Social psychology. Belmont, CA: Cengage Learning.
• Reisman, J.M. (1985). Friendship and its Implications for Mental Health or Social Competence. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 5 (3): pp. 383 - 391.
• Vanman, E.J., Paul, B. Y., Ito, T.A. and Miller, N. (1997). The Modem Face of Prejudice and Structural Features That Moderate the Effect of Cooperation on Affect. Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, 73 (5), pp. 994 - 959.
• Williams, A. (2012). Friends of a Certain Age: Why Is It Hard To Make Friends Over 30?. The New York Times.