Love and its influence on relationships

Love is a very broad concept that also encompasses many different types of love. But actually... what is love? Is there an exact definition that could define it?

It has been described as an emotion, an instinct, or a construct. The truth is that it is a fairly subjective and complex reality. What for some is love, for others it is selfishness or submission, for some it is happiness and for others suffering. And it is that possibly love has part of all this.

• Related article: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"

What do we understand by love?

The French writer Stendhal defined it as a flower that grows before the abyss, thus showing that talking about love is not an easy task.

However, it is an element of great importance in the development of people and with great influence on psychological well-being. For some people there is no pain comparable to what can be produced by love affairs.

It also becomes one of the greatest motivations in life., in something always to chase. For love or in the name of love we know that the most heroic and noble deeds, the greatest follies and also the most brutal atrocities can occur.

Taking into account the different types of love, we are going to focus here on love within the couple and its influence on the relationship.

Perspectives on love

To begin with, let's say that love can be understood from different perspectives, be it from philosophy, science and biology, from poetry and art, from different psychological currents, from perspectives evolutionists etc.

For example, from philosophy, great thinkers like Plato and Aristotle show their discrepancy towards what for them is love. Aristotle would say that it is the most important feeling of the human being and that the mere fact of feeling it produces a pleasure not comparable with any other; love for him would be like a single soul that inhabits two bodies.

Plato, for his part, would say that in love there is a desire to possess what one does not have, and then when one has, discard it and desire it again.

Spinoza, for his part, would be in the middle of both positions, and would say that love is something that produces joy that comes from an external stimulus that makes others want more than oneself.

For Smith, a philosopher and economist, love is the answer, rather mysterious, to something that attracts us to the mind and body of another person. And we could still see positions that show us the complexity of its definition.

In art and literature, love will become a muse and inspiration, and from there an idealized love would sometimes be born., full of romance; it becomes a giving everything for the loved one, being represented at times as dramatic and passionate.

From a biological perspective, it would be a means for the survival of the species influenced and mediated by chemicals and brain mechanisms. Starting in the 1990s, psychiatrists, anthropologists, and biologists found important correlations between levels of hormones such as serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin and love states such as sexual attraction, infatuation and stable love.

Various studies show that when we fall in love, serotonin levels plummet and reward centers of the brain are invaded by dopamine, producing an effect similar to that of a drug.

On the other hand, the psychologist Robert Sternberg published in 1986 the Triangular Theory of Love, whose influence on psychology has become quite remarkable. According to him, couple relationships are constituted from three fundamental elements, Intimacy, Passion and Commitment, which would occupy the vertices of a supposed triangle that would show the different forms of love that can arise in a couple, depending on how those are related components.

From cultural psychology, culture and history determine the mental states and psychological processes of people, and therefore also love. For Erich Fromm love is an art, a voluntary action that can be learned, not a passion that is imposed against the will of those who live it. Love would be according to him; decision, choice and attitude.

Love and partner

As we can see, it is not easy to talk about love and above all to narrow the term. Love is something that is influenced by multiple factors that are interrelated and also is not something static and permanent, but rather can vary over time, and specifically within a stable relationship, affecting those established ways of life in which two people commit to share their existence in every way.

We should also take into account the role played by eroticism and sexuality, a topic that we are not going to discuss at this time, focusing more on love as a link seen from the Couples therapy, and how that subjective way of loving that each one has, together with that of the other, will generate a certain type of relationship, with its conflicts and satisfactions individuals.

The subject is quite broad, so I am going to stick to those processes that I have observed the most from the clinic, and that have to do with self-esteem, and with unconscious movements.

• You may be interested: "6 keys to avoid absurd couple arguments"

Love for the other and our own self-esteem

To be able to love, you must first love yourself, it is necessary to have traveled the path of narcissism, a necessary step in the development of the personality to be able to reach self-esteem.

The first relationship we have with love comes from the mother, father or figure who takes care of us, and it will be that way in which we have perceived that love and fundamental value in our way of loving. Later on, the achievement of achievements will influence, which can be social or academic. This usually happens in adolescence, when the relationship with peers is essential; This stage will influence our whole life and our relationships. And finally we have the valuation and appreciation of others as something fundamental for a healthy self-esteem.

It is not so much how all this happens, but how it is perceived by the person, which will give rise to a certain way of loving ourselves that in turn will influence how we love ourselves. That perception could have been of no valuation or of not having been loved, with which unconditional love will be sought in the other to heal that wound.

Sometimes, in a love that is never enough, we also observe an insistent need to be valued and recognized by the other, looking for the partner to give us what we ourselves do not have.

Unconscious processes

I call these mechanisms that I have observed in therapy and whose basis is unconscious, being necessary a work aimed at being able to unravel those mechanisms that are acting.

Projection

It consists of attributing things about yourself to another person. When this mechanism is present in the way of loving in a couple, it happens that those things about oneself that are hated are attributed to the other, promoting feelings of rejection, attacks and continued blame, feeling that something about the other is deeply annoying, sometimes unjustifiably, without knowing exactly what it is about.

Bond of love established asymmetrically

In couples, as in any relationship constituted by a love bond, supporting and caring is of utmost importanceSometimes it happens that one is in the position of caring, giving and supporting more than the other.

Not knowing how to differentiate what belongs to one and what is to the other

This also has to do with the establishment of the bond, producing in this case a symbiosis between the members of the couple.

The interpretation of love

And finally, another of the issues that I have observed the most in couples therapy is something that It has to do with the interpretation of love that each of the members of the couple has, their perceptions and expectations placed on the relationship, which also have to do with attachment, with that human need for love that begins in the first years of life and will continue throughout life. lifetime.

These can be:

• Security in the other.
• Of doubt or ambivalence, with fear of losing the other.
• Of distrust, promoting distancing in the couple.

How would couples therapy help?

First of all it would be necessary to unravel those unconscious processes that are acting in the discomfort of the couple to make them aware and to be able to do something with them.

It is important that the couple understand what each one has to do with what the other complains about.

Knowing how to differentiate what belongs to one and what is to the other is an important step to pursue, in addition to recognizing the mutual dependencies that can be had.

Helping to identify what each one wants and desires from the other is sometimes as simple as talking about it and asking for it, but to do so, it would be necessary to know without self-deception or confusion, because if we ourselves are confused, the way of transmitting it to the other person will be ambiguous unclear, generating in the other misunderstandings and defensive behaviors of detachment and coldness.

summarizing

There is no doubt that the love of a couple is totally different from the other types of love And that is something difficult to define, it is not simple eroticism, nor just desire to be with the other person, nor simple concern for the couple.

It is also important to differentiate states of infatuation with love. The first state, although it is the bearer of very pleasant emotions, is that which tends to fade with time and with contact with the reality of the day by day, something that coexists badly, since this infatuation is based on the idealization of the other, on highlighting their qualities and avoiding or not see the defects, hence that love is blind, the presence of the other becomes a necessity to be happy, feeling unhappy if not this.

It is a way of loving based more on oneself than on the other, on our own pleasure, satisfaction, a feeling of fulfillment, since all this is given to us by this state.

Love, unlike infatuation, occurs when the interest is placed on the welfare of the other, when it also tries to help him in his individual development, and I do not mean by this that love dissolves differences or conflicts that may arise in a relationship, but if it provides a firm foundation for face them.

Need help?

If you need help on issues related to feelings or relationships, do not hesitate to ask for it, let's not forget that the way we relate both with ourselves and with others will be essential for psychological well-being. It is important for this to know yourself, to know what you think and how you relate to your own feelings, even if it is inconsistent.

I can help you both in individual and couples therapy, being able to attend you either in person or online.