Dysfunctional Relationships: 10 Warning Signs

Throughout these years of clinical practice, I have seen how many of the people who came to therapy felt bad but did not know how to identify the cause of it. There are those who do not identify or do not want to see the consequences on the emotional state that their relationship may be generating. In the name of "love" these people justified themselves (constantly) the harmful behaviors of their partner. But the reality is different: it is not negotiable, if it hurts, it is not love.

In this article we will review the typical red flags of dysfunctional relationships.

• Related article: "The 7 myths of romantic love"

Characteristics of dysfunctional relationships

The purpose of maintaining a relationship is growth, both personal and joint. A relationship has to add, never subtract. You both have to feel that you grow together as a couple and that individually you are empowering getting the best possible version of the other.

If you feel that your self-esteem is damaged and every day your dignity is diminishing due to the dynamics that you have in your relationship, you may be falling into a dysfunctional relationship with your partner. You will gradually consume yourself until you reach the day when you may look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.

The first step to get out of a dysfunctional relationship is to identify it. Keep reading the 10 key signs that you are in a harmful relationship.

1. Power fight

It is very common in dysfunctional relationships that power struggles occur constantly. When a person has feelings of inferiority towards her partner, every conflict will fight it like it's the last battle wanting to win "the war." In the short term it will be an unconscious way to compensate for your lack of self-esteem but in the long term your self-esteem will continue to be weakened and the relationship will suffer.

If you have a partner, you have to reflect on this point. You have to see the affective bonds in an adult and mature way, creating a space in which the opinions of the other are respected.

One day working on this with a couple in therapy, I told them, “You know that you can disagree, nothing happens about it; but this does not mean that you love each other less or that you do not respect yourself, you simply think differently ”. Silence fell and they looked at me in surprise. At that moment the myth of "really loving each other means that we have to think the same way" was demolished. Indeed, in a relationship with a partner you can disagree. Thinking differently is legal, so it is better to leave it in a draw.

Always wanting to be right, never admitting your mistakesBeing unable to ask for forgiveness when you fail, not listening to your partner, not letting him freely express his opinion or impose yours, are symptoms of a power struggle.

• Related article: "The power struggle in couple relationships"

2. Lack of respect

One of the basic ingredients in a relationship is respect. It is the foundation on which the other pillars will be laid. Therefore, without respect there is nothing!

If within your relationship there are any of the following points, you have crossed the red line of respect:

• Hostile humor and teasing.
• Scorn and screams.
• Defensive and aggressive attitude.
• Deliberately hurting the other.
• Hurtful fights and violent arguments.
• Recurring lies.
• Infidelities.

If you feel that no matter how hard you try, you always end up arguing in a hostile way, communication is non-existent and it is impossible for you to agree, you are in a complicated situation. This can lead to anger, sadness and / or resentment that can end up undermining your relationship with your partner.

Respect and healthy communication must always be present within a relationship. Respecting each other is the first step to improve the quality of that loving bond.

3. You don't recognize yourself

As a consequence of the dynamics that you have as a couple, it may be that the context transforms you for the worse. If you identify with one or more of the symptoms, you may be living a toxic relationship:

• If every day that passes you feel worse about yourself.
• If you have stopped being yourself out of fear of your partner's reaction.
• If you think that being you, your partner could reject you.
• If you think that your partner could never fall in love with someone like you and that's why you have changed by adopting a submissive role.
• If you have canceled your needs by prioritizing only those of your partner.
• Yes your mood is getting lower and lower.
• If before meeting your partner you were a happy person and now you are depressed.
• Little by little you have let your personality fade.
• You look at yourself in the mirror and you don't recognize yourself.
• You often think: "who am I?" and you don't know the answer.

It is important be clear about the couple's framework in which you move. You have to feel free, to be able to express yourself as you are and to feel yourself, without coercion, at the same time that you have to have the same attitude of acceptance towards your partner.

4. Obsession to change your partner

There are people who mistakenly start a relationship because someone attracts them, but they do not accept fundamental aspects of the other. These people negotiate with themselves than with patience and effort they will be able to change those parts that they do not like about the other. This is a myth, no one is going to change just because someone else tries to do it.

You can suggest a request for a change in behavior to your partner, but it will have to be that person (if he wants to do it) who decides freely to change, not by manipulation or insistence. I have seen how people have devoted a large part of their life and energy to trying to change their partner with no results.

5. Control and jealousy

Many toxic relationships they begin by subjecting the partner with controlling behaviors. There are many ways (subtle or explicit) to do it. Some examples would be:

• If your partner decides on what clothes you have to wear.
• If your partner also decides on what friends do you have to frequent (usually his because he doesn't like yours).
• Control your social networks.
• He asks you to send him locations (by WhatsApp) or photos of who you are with.
• As a result of his jealousy, he watches your mobile or reads your WhatsApp without your knowing it.

If you allow your partner to violate your right to privacy, you are in a dysfunctional relationship (at the very least). No one should be allowed to decide on your own life.

• You may be interested: "The types of jealousy and their different characteristics"

6. Blackmails and comparisons

If you feel that your partner is comparing you with his ex or with people from his past, he makes comments about you that with other couples there were things that worked but with you not... This is a way of generating feelings of guilt and lowering your self-esteem. Be careful with comparisons or blackmail.

Each person is different, unique by definition. In healthy relationships there is no blackmail to obtain their own benefits.

7. Constant emotional instability

If every time you have a strong argument or a problem your partner threatens to leave the relationship and even leaves it, can create feelings of insecurity about that bond and lead you to feel like you are on a continuous roller coaster of feelings.

Threatening to leave or do so is a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. The problems would have to be learned to handle them differently. It is essential for the development of a stable relationship make members feel secure about commitment that exists within the couple relationship.

8. Open and permanent conflicts

There is nothing more unpleasant than living in a continuous open fight or war without truce. That drains people and robs them of the energy that goes into their projects and plans.

Poor communication as a couple can cause you to continually have conflicts generating a feeling of discomfort, frustration and uncertainty in both. For psychological health, it would be necessary to reach agreements and learn to manage communication effectively.

9. You have to justify your attitude with excuses (with yourself and with your environment)

If to continue in the relationship you have to be constantly justifying yourself / your behavior and deep down you know that what happens is harmful to you, you are in a harmful relationship.

If your environment tells you the toxic things (obvious) of your relationship or tells you to leave the relationship, that you can't go on like that and you have to justify all that, it's that you're probably in a relationship dysfunctional.

In all the points named, the path is also the other way around, don't do what you don't want them to do to you.

10. You are unable to get out of the toxic relationship

If you feel identified with any of the previous points and you are not able to get out of a dysfunctional relationship with your partner, you have Tried but you don't succeed or you would like to solve the problems of your relationship, you can ask for professional help at El Prado Psychologists; we know how to help you.

Lara García Ferreiro - Expert couple psychologist at El Prado Psychologists