The importance of setting limits and its relationship to self-esteem

Saying "no" is a skill that has to be trained. It must be practiced numerous times, to finally feel comfortable with it.

If we are not used to saying no, oneself can feel strange at first, and those around us too, having been used to your continuous predisposition.

• Related article: "6 good tips (and habits) to boost your self-esteem"

Always say yes

It is good to say yes, in relation to being open to aspects that we did not contemplate before, so that little by little we can build a more open and flexible mentality.

But when we say yes just to please, it becomes a problem. Because we do it in response to what others need and not what you need yourself.

Saying yes is a very comfortable position where you don't question anything. Because listening to yourself and questioning your own needs is more complex... and it requires giving value to what you need. You stop listening to yourself to meet the needs of others; So in a sense you are neglecting yourself and forgetting about yourself.

It is inefficient to invest energy in aspects that we know we do not care about or do not fill us

. Above all, because even if we say yes, deep down, we are feeling that no... and it's not filling us up. And the attitude with which we carry out activities that we do not like, in the end also makes that become counterproductive.

Also, it's interesting reflect on the cost that we can generate trying to be able to do everything and cover all the needs of everyone.

Why is it important to set limits

It is very common to put the needs of others before our own needs, because we want to please or because we have the self-demand of having to take care of others before ourselves.

Also, on many occasions, having self-esteem is seen as a self-centered position and these two terms are confused, when they really have nothing to do with each other. Let's see the main differences:

Having a healthy self-esteem is knowing how to take care of yourself, and to achieve this, it is necessary to dedicate time to satisfy and please what we need for ourselves. And in case of not being able to “self-cover” certain needs (affection, love... these are aspects that we need of other people), give value and not belittle or downplay what need.

• You may be interested in: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

Say no and blame

When we begin to practice this ability to say no, we can feel like a bad person by not meeting the needs of others. But it is normal, since we are not used to it, and those around you less. Even when we begin to say no, it may be that others complain and demand things from us... because as we always have, they expect the same from us.

For this reason, it is totally normal that at first we feel some guilt, but it is important to discern that it is not objective. In addition, we always offer our help, it is great for others, but perhaps for us... not so much.

Thus it is important to manage the possible guilt that may appear in the beginning, so as not to give in once more and begin to take ourselves into account first. To do this, you can remind yourself and say to yourself "I respect myself and accompany me." Be aware that saying it is not a good thing for yourself, physically and emotionally.

The development of a healthy self-esteem and autonomy

First of all, it is important to know that we are responsible, to a greater extent, for making us feel good, and for this it is necessary that the first to take care of ourselves are ourselves. Here's how to cultivate this healthy self-esteem.

• Reflecting on the values ​​of oneself, of others, and knowing how to differentiate them: What do I value? What are my needs? What is important to me and what is not? What do others value? What are your needs? Will I be able to cover them better when I cover mine first?
• Prioritize and give our own values ​​the value they deserve.
• Knowing how to say that not assertively (neither passive, nor aggressive) to those aspects that do not fulfill us.
• Accept the discomfort that may result when giving a refusal to another person and know that their reaction is not “your fault”. Manage possible guilt.
• Enjoy choosing you first.

If we begin to carry out this process, we will give more importance to ourselves and We will feel that we are worth more than what we have done until now. Only then will we begin to build healthy self-esteem.

As a last note, we must remember the importance of not judging ourselves when one does not set limits, because we also have the right to do so. It is normal that on the way we take some steps backwards. To have good self-esteem, it is important not to punish yourself.