How to help shy children: 12 tips

Each of us is different from the others. We have different lives and stories, which make us see reality in a unique and unrepeatable way. However, there are common patterns of behavior and ways of perceiving the world. Although technically we do not form our personality until after adolescence and our identity is acquired, some of our personality traits will be visible from childhood.

An example of this is the existence or not of shyness. Although it is a trait that is not (contrary to what many seem to think) harmful in itself, the truth is that it can make expression difficult their feelings and thoughts and reduce the possibility of establishing affective ties with their peers or reducing the quality of these ¿How to help shy children in your day to day? In this article we offer a series of proposals that can help to overcome this shyness.

• Related article: "The 4 differences between shyness and social phobia"

What do we consider shyness?

Shyness is considered a temperamental trait consisting of a tendency to withdraw, not to express emotions and thoughts easily

and to attract as little attention as possible. We are facing a trait linked especially to the level of self-esteem and security, negatively correlating with both and especially with the latter.

The shy child will tend not to express himself in the presence of strangers or people in whom he does not trust, seek safer environments and avoid exposure or attracting the attention of large crowds. In other words, the shy child has a reserved behavior and is usually more contemplative, although deep down he may want to actively participate in what is happening.

It is important do not confuse shyness with introversion: the introvert needs lower levels of external activation than an extravert, requiring less social contact. It's not that he's asocial or has no friends, he just needs less contact. However, a shy child may have an outgoing nature and not show it out of fear or insecurity.

As we have commented, this feature is not necessarily negative. And it is that on the one hand, it facilitates that the subject in question evaluates the situations and acts after analyzing and verifying the operation of the situations. On the other hand, if it is very accentuated it can limit the interaction of the person who has it with the environment and hinder social relationships. It is in this last of the situations, when the shy child begins to have problems derived from this trait, that we ask ourselves what we can do to help him overcome his shyness.

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Tips to help shy children

When trying to help a child overcome her shyness, keep in mind that much of his situation stems from a lack of confidence and security. It must also be taken into account that, although the intentions are good, some of the classic ways that many they use to help their children overcome their shyness can actually lower their self-confidence and their self-esteem. That is why here are some ways to help the shy child that may be useful.

1. Encourage their achievements

It is important for a child, especially if he is shy and insecure, to see how his approaches to acting are encouraged and experienced as something positive by their parents or teachers. Praising and praising their performance will make it easier for the child to feel more confident and facilitate and reinforce their future behavior and expression. Of course, the congratulations must be sincere.

2. Teach him to relativize and positively value his mistakes

Being wrong is not bad, but it gives us an opportunity to learn. Shy people tend to have a certain fear of doing things wrong and being judged for it. Teach him that this is not the case. It is not about pretending to do everything right, but about make him see that making mistakes is positive, since in the long run it allows him to improve his performance and that does not mean that he will be badly considered.

3. Do not point or criticize

Closely related to the previous one. A child who feels insecure is not going to feel better because we tell him that he is shy or criticize his lack of acting. It is a mistake that, surprisingly enough, many people make in their attempt to spur their little ones, as a fit of misdirected anger or even without realizing it.

4. Increase positive self-instruction and self-reinforcement

Shy people tend to underestimate their achievements and maximize their mistakes, as well as not self-reinforcing enough for the former. It is also common for self-instructions to be given with negative or doubtful overtones, such as the typical “I can't…” or “I don't know…”. We have to try to change these ways of self-direction, as well as to congratulate yourself when you do things well.

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5. Generate socialization opportunities

A good way to try to help shy children overcome their shyness is to facilitate the existence of situations in which they can test and confront their insecurities and meet people. For example, going to the park with him allows not only to share time together but also to get in touch with their peers. It is important that, at least initially, the parent or a trusted figure is present or in the surroundings, so that the child can seek support and feel more secure.

6. Do not force it!

Although it seems contradictory to the previous point, it is not. It is one thing to make it easier for the child to have social contact, but quite another to force him to do so when she does not want to or to force him to play with or approach children she does not know or want to know. This will be seen as an imposition and as something aversive, appearing resistance and making it difficult to really overcome shyness. It is about the child flowing naturally, not how or when we want it to.

7. Overprotection doesn't help

It is logical that we want our children, students or children in general to be safe and happy at all times. And as we have said, criticisms, signs and the experience of social action as an obligation do not help but rather harm the possibility of increasing their self-confidence. But putting them in a bubble where they do everything well, everything is done to them and where nothing bad ever happens can also lead to the same: the child may feel unable to cope with real life, not knowing how to react to environmental and social demands or to possible aversive elements.

8. Set an example

The little ones imitate what they see at home since childhood. One way to help them overcome shyness is to role-model when interacting with others. If they conceive that proactivity and socialization are normal, they will learn the ways to make them observe and it will be easier for them to act in the same way.

9. It favors your decision making and your responsibility

One way to help the child feel more self-confident is to involve him in decision-making. Propose him to decide things, no matter how minimal (for example, where does he want to go or what he wants you to play), and making them effective allows him to see that his opinions are taken into account and that they have an effect on reality.

10. Hobbies

Another aspect that can help shy children so that their character does not interfere or even that this trait diminishes is the performance of activities of their interest. Writing, board games, sports, painting, music, dance or cooking are some examples of activities that they may enjoy, and whose mastery can increase their self-confidence. Of course, again we remember that the child has to like it and not be a pressure element.

11. Theater or role plays

Although it could actually be included in the previous section, this element has been separated because in it the child must take the role or role of another person or being, representing a series of characteristics and ways of doing that do not have to be the own. The child can learn and observe other ways of acting. The interpretation also tends to favor the emergence of improvisation and having a fast pace that, although demanding, does not usually leave much time to assess whether things are being done well or badly.

12. Encourage them to express themselves

It is important to note that shy children tend to keep things to themselves. Therefore, it is useful to use techniques and activities that allow their expressiveness. Drawing, pretend play, or creating stories alongside him are good ways to do it.