My child has ADHD: what do I do?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a chronic neurobiological disorder that some minors present before the age of 12.

They manifest a series of behaviors that, traditionally due to ignorance; they cause them to be labeled as "difficult", "naughty" or "bad". These behaviors are mainly characterized by a lack of impulse control and difficulty in maintaining voluntary attention among others.

• Related article: "The 6 most important ADHD comorbidities"

ADHD in boys and girls

Guilt that parents of "difficult children" may experience is a very common feeling. Minors absorb all the information from their environment and it is normal for parents to think that they could have been a bad example. But, although it is true that a very high percentage of the behaviors of minors is learned by modeling, in the case of ADHD usually the tutors have had little to do with it.

What usually happens is that guidelines have been created that unconsciously harm the child; which means that the behaviors associated with the disorder are more intense, frequent and annoying. It may be that inappropriate reinforcement systems or reinforcers (rewards) that do not work are being used. It must be borne in mind that traditional educational forms do not usually give good results with minors with ADHD.

The helplessness felt by parents may have turned into "throwing in the towel." It should be noted that it is a very difficult task for parents because the child's impulsive or hyperactive behavior is perceived by the parents as aversive and intrusive, usually causing negative reactions in adults. No professional will hold parents responsible, instead, and seeking help is one of the most responsible things that can be done for your son / daughter.

It is just as important to educate parents in the responses to the minor's behaviors as it is to educate the minor himself. A psychologist can recognize these patterns and begin to help break them down and create new ones.

Once we have removed the guilt and we have understood the disorder, we must act with specific behaviors to improve the child's quality of life and find that all of her / his cognitive needs are satisfied and physiological.

What can I do for my child with ADHD?

The following actions are aimed at improving interactions with the minor and that both the parents like him feel more secure and take control by acquiring new behaviors effective. These are some tools that are used in psychological consultation during the training program for parents of minors with ADHD.

1. Reinforce strengths

González de Mira (1997) has observed that minors with ADHD tend to have a good visual and auditory memory, high levels of creativity and a sense of humor, they are sensitive and are very committed to their loved ones, in addition to being very energetic. For this reason, it is important that parents emphasize these positive characteristics, in order to encourage the little ones to develop good self-esteem.

2. Improve communication

In a family with a minor with ADHD, the number and frequency of negative interactions is usually quite high. Effective communication can lessen the negative effect of the disorder on the family and the child.

Parents must be made to understand that if it is difficult for them to communicate assertively with the minor and they feel frustrated; the minor also has difficulties due to the disorder itself. What's more, being a minor, you have not yet acquired resources to solve problems or for effective communication.

Being aware of this breaks the competitiveness that parents of minors with ADHD tend to have with them and is oriented towards the change of attitudes that harm the solution of the trouble.

3. Attitude in communication

From the assessment we make about people, expectations arise that will influence the attitude when dealing with them. It has been shown in several investigations that minors perceive themselves based on the opinion that their parents or guardians have of them.

Expectations would be related to the implicit theories of personality and to the effect Pygmalion (the expectations that a tutor has of her student directly influence her performance).

The minor with ADHD is usually labeled as restless, bad, annoying... so the minor builds the image of himself / herself from these features. The direct consequence of this is that the minor guides her behavior to coherence with those expectations that are had of him / her, since they serve as a guide for action.

Children with ADHD function with clear, concise messages and directly specifying what is expected of him / her. Verbal and nonverbal communications must coincide consistently.

• You may be interested in: "The 10 basic communication skills"

4. The right time to communicate

It is very important to choose the right situation to give orders to her son / daughter or to make her understand.

That moment of negotiation can never come up in the discussion, in which specific instructions must be given. If the situation is negative or unfavorable, it is highly unlikely that a favorable resolution will be reached.

In addition, parents should ignore tantrums or inappropriate behaviors in order not to reinforce them with attention and that they do not recur.

5. Ability to listen

A good strategy is to have a conversation with your children so that they can communicate their concerns, in which they should apply these guidelines: listen calmly, do not disagree or give advice, propose a solution that allows the minor to freely express all her wishes, her fears or frustrations. In this way, the minor feels trust in her parents and encourages her to ask for help with what happens to her..

6. How to give information

Gordon named the different alternatives to expose a parent's demand to their sons / daughters: messages from me and messages from you.

I messages are statements from parents in which they inform what they think, feel and they want about the minor's behavior, but without falling into blame or comments critics.

Your messages focus on censorship and recrimination using criticism and labeling the child in a negative way.

Parents of minors with ADHD tend to use your messages much more with their children. You can start to identify when these messages are said to minors and turn them into messages from me.

7. Conflict resolution and communication skills

It is very beneficial to understand that in any conflict you have to give in and, at the same time, be benefited in some way from the solution. Even being in a position of authority in front of her son / daughter, it must always be borne in mind that the minor may also be right.

Author: Susana Merino García. Psychologist specializing in psychopathology and health.

Bibliographic references:

• Soler, C.L.; Núñez, M.M. (2001) Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity. Madrid. Ed: Klinik.
• Arco, J.L.; Fernández, F.D. & Hinojo, F.J. (2004) Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: Psychopedagogical intervention. Psicothema, Vol 16 (3), pp. 408 - 414.
• Korzeniowsk, C. & Ison, M.S. (2008) Psychoeducational Strategies for Parents and Teachers of minors with ADHD. Argentine Journal of Psychological Clinic, XVII, pp. 65 - 71.