Divorce with children: how can we deal with its implications?

A divorce or breakup is one of the most stressful situations in a person's life. In fact, it is about a duel or break with the couple, with a way of life, which gives rise to numerous implications in the personal, family, social and work environment.

A divorce implies leaving behind feelings, assets, common projects, or at least, repositioning them in your life, and facing a new situation, which is uncertain and unknown. And of course... The new scares and scares us!

If there are no children, the divorce will possibly be a more agile transit by affecting fewer people and being easier to reorganize. In any case, it will fully affect your own emotions and the material and intangible assets that you have in common with your ex-partner.

As an example of a tangible asset, we would have the decisions to make regarding the home (sell it or who will remaining) that would mean considering a change of residence and job readjustment by having only one entry of money. Nor can we forget those intangible aspects such as the need to clarify and redefine family and friendship relationships (especially if they are common).

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The psychological implications of divorce with children

Divorce with children implies a more complex situation than the previous one as it affects a greater number of people. In these cases, when one considers a break, there are a series of issues that arise and it is convenient to have made a preliminary reflection.

1. What will be the impact of our decision on the children?

Here we refer to the concern about whether our breakup is going to affect our children and if there is a possibility that they have some future sequelae and what it may be.

2. The way to communicate it to the children

The way in which we communicate it to our children is another of the key aspects that we question in the pre-separation stage.

What do we tell them and if they will understand it is a common question that arises in parents. Many times it involves overcoming the fear of our own emotions (not being able to speak, not being able to stop crying, or not knowing how to contain the emotions of our children at the moment in which we make them part of our decision).

The optimal choice of the moment to communicate it to the children is also essential. However, before communicating it to children, reflect on the changes that are going to take place. produce in family life and what will be the future organization, since your children will to ask.

3. The need to develop a new way of coexistence

The Parenting Plan is the document that would collect this new post-break coexistence design. It must reflect who will get custody of the children (it will be exclusive, shared), what time the children will spend in each of the houses (weekdays, weekends and holidays), how will the communication between parents (important issues, what is the ideal way to communicate it- WhatsApp, telephone, mail ...) and in what way the relationship of the children will be articulated with the father / mother with whom they are not in that moment.

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The challenge of adapting to the new situation

Nowadays, we find more and more cases in which it is the parents themselves who reach agreements on joint custody or it is the judge who grants it. Thus, the 2019 data published in the INE survey reveal that shared custody has been the custodial system that governs 37.5% of cases of divorce and separation of couples with children.

As we have anticipated, making the decision to break up is not easy at all. The more children you have, the decision may be more complicated, although other factors such as the age of the children obviously play a role. if any of them are in a special situation or have a degree of vulnerability (sensory, physical or emotional).

Another factor that can complicate and delay the emotional and legal process of separation (with children or without children) occurs when common areas are shared between the two protagonists of the break.

An example would be that one has a working relationship with the other. In these cases, whether you continue working with your ex-partner or if you leave your job and look for a new job, it constitutes an extra source of stress. In the first case, you are going to find it in the workplace and the limits have to be redefined; in the second case, a job change involves a process of search and subsequent adaptation to the new organization and job position.

Having the same network of friends could also complicate the breakup and post-breakup period., since either there is a maturity between the people who separate themselves and their friends, in the sense that they do not position themselves with neither of the two or, rather, one of the two people has to stop relating to them and has to build a new network of contacts; and this takes time and effort.

87% percent of the separations and 79% of the divorces in 2019 were by mutual agreement, without differentiating if they were with children or without. This percentage is encouraging and indicates that most people start a new chapter in their lives having agreed to the breakup in a “civilized” way. In fact, this question allows one to "close this chapter of his life", the past, with some maturity, and focus on all the issues that arise in the present and future.

To do?

In the event that you are thinking about separating, and especially if there are children, it is important to consider these questions:

• Try to find a viability to the relationship. This will help you in the future to be calm because you have done everything in your power to make things go well.
• In the event that it is not possible and you decide to go ahead with the breakup, ask yourself the questions that we have mentioned: impact on children, new organization (Parenting Plan), changes of residence, work, friendships.
• Agree and agree with your partner as many scenarios as possible. You are the ones who perfectly know your life, your children and the emotional issues and particularities of each one of them.
• If you need to solve emotional or child-related questions, you can ask a psychologist who is an expert in family and in separations and breakups (forensic psychologist). If the questions are related to court proceedings, ask your lawyer.

Once the physical separation occurs, try not only to be attentive to your emotional, financial, social recovery, but also it is advisable to be alert about how your children evolve emotionally.

Certain of their behaviors can be misinterpreted if the post-breakup period is not contextualized, and they could be adaptive. However, if after a while you continue to see that the attitude and behavior show signs of discomfort and lack of adaptation, then it is time to ask for help from a professional expert in the field, for its detection and subsequent solution.

In conclusion, a breakup does not always have to be a negative thing, since in many cases it is the only viable solution. If this alternative is chosen jointly by both spouses and is carried out from a mature perspective, surely your children will undergo a process of functional change.

And remember: the adaptation of children to a breaking process is proportional to the adjustment of adults. If you are okay, they will be too.

On PSYCHOTOOLS We offer psychological counseling, mediation and parenting coordination services by professionals who are experts in the field. Contact our Center and request a free orientation visit, without obligation.

Author: Marisol Ramoneda, Psychologist.