How to overcome disappointments and emerge stronger from them

Who has not experienced that knot in the stomach when feeling that a person we trusted has disappointed us? Why do many people end up shutting themselves up and not believing in people? Is it true that no one can be trusted?

For a disappointment to happen, we must have previously built an expectation. "I didn't expect this from you", "I thought you would do this for me", etc.

We value people's behavior to the extent that it fits with our beliefs about how someone has to behave within that role: our mother has to be loving and understanding, our protective and strong father, our partner can only have eyes for us and our friends always have to "be there". If such behavior goes beyond what we consider appropriate, we become angry, disappointed, we get sad and even get the feeling that we do not know the person we have in front of.

Why? Because we do not relate to people as they are, but as we think they are, or worse, just as we want them to be. We idealize, we project, we devalue and therefore we do not relate in a real way, but in a fantasized way. However, there are useful strategies to overcome disappointments in the best possible way.

Controlling expectations

The first step in protecting ourselves from the unpleasant feeling of disappointment is not to set too high expectations for the people we associate with. Not expecting too much from people has nothing to do with the pessimistic idea that "everyone is going to fail us", but rather with trying to see the person as he is and not as we want him to be, and accept that certain decisions or behaviors that he adopts as a free person that he is, may not like it.

In second place we must avoid projections and overgeneralizations regarding our past experiences. The disappointments and breaches of trust that we have suffered long ago have nothing to do with our present reality, and put a wall on ourselves as a defensive mechanism facing future disappointments will only serve to distance us from society and consequently feel alone and live through the afraid.

Even so, it is likely that throughout our lives we will suffer from betrayal, lies or harm caused by a loved one or a person we consider to be trusted. What to do if we find ourselves in this situation?

1. Regulate the emotions that arise as a result of disappointment

Faced with disappointment, emotions related to sadness, fear, anger or frustration appear. It is important to learn to identify them, experience them, and regulate them in a healthy way so that they do not become chronic or turn against us. It is also necessary to give ourselves our space to cry and release anger that has occurred before the unexpected situation.

2. Talk about our feelings

We must also verbalize our feelings before a trusted person, and if necessary, with the person who has made the "offense" so that he understands our emotions.

We have to assess and weigh if we want that person to continue to be part of our life, or if, on the contrary, we prefer to continue on our way without them. Both in one and the other option is important work forgiveness so that the emotion does not lead to a grudge that only poisons us.

3. Begin to see disappointment as learning

Once the whirlwind of emotions that we have felt due to disappointment has passed, it is important that we carry out a self-examination or introspection to monitor whether the image we had built of that person was distorted, and if we have a tendency to idealize our interpersonal relationships.

Disappointment also reminds us that relationships are constantly changing and that we have to accept their uncontrollability, as well as the behavior of those around us.

4. Trust people again

There are disappointments that are so painful that we have the feeling that we will never be able to place our trust in anyone again, and as protection we run the risk of becoming inaccessible, distrustful, paranoid or unfair to the people around us.

No one can assure us that our loved ones will not "fail" us, but accepting the possibility and enjoying the relationship in the present is the smartest option.

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as honest as possible. Having real conversations with people seems to be such a simple and obvious proposition, but it involves courage and risk ”Thomas Moore.