The cycle of violence in intimate relationships

Why doesn't the attacked woman leave the aggressor hers? Why don't you report the attacks? Why after reporting many times do they withdraw the report? What do the victims who have been attacked feel at the different stages of the attack? How do they become victims?

We have all heard these kinds of questions from the public opinion. We can answer you if we look closely at the victimization process, which as the name already indicates is not a situation that occurs in a specific and isolated way, but something that develops over time. A relationship where there is abuse does not usually start overnight.

It is a process that many times begins in a subtle way and that causes the victim not always to be aware of the seriousness of the situation that she is experiencing.

The cycle of violence and the process of victimization

In 1979 the renowned American psychologist Leonore Walker shed light on how victimization processes work from their investigations designed to try to understand and answer the questions previously posed.

From the testimonies of battered women she realized that they are not attacked all the time or in the same way, but there are phases for violence, which have varied duration and different manifestations. This is what has been called the cycle of violence, one of the most widespread theories about internal dynamics of violent relationships in the world.

This theory contemplates the existence of four phases in all dynamics of relational violence. The phases in which the cycle of violence is divided follow one another, a fact that precisely makes it difficult for the cycle to be broken. In the same relationship, the cycle can be repeated infinitely many times and the duration of its phases can be variable.

The 4 phases of abuse

Next I will describe the different phases that an abused person goes through.

1. Calm Phase

In a first phase, the situation is calm. No disagreements are detected and everything is lived in an idyllic way. But, when the cycle has been repeated several times, the victim may begin to feel that the calm is maintains because everything is correct according to the point of view of the aggressor who is, ultimately, the engine of the cycle.

2. Voltage Build-up Phase

Small disagreements begin, well the aggressor feels increasingly questioned by his victim. It may be that the victim, in his attempt to keep things the way the aggressor wants, makes a mistake because the increase in tension affects her ability to concentrate. In this phase, in fact, psychological abuse begins to be exercised based on the idea of ​​control and that is an alarm signal of what is to come.

Many aggressors excuse themselves precisely by saying that they were warning their victim but that she ignored them and continued to provoke them. The woman tries to calm, please or, at least, not do what may upset the partner, in the unrealistic belief that she can control the aggression.

Tensions are constructed and are manifested in a specific way as certain behaviors of verbal or physical aggression of a mild and isolated nature, based on small incidents: subtle slights, innuendo, pent-up anger, sarcasm, long silences, irrational demands, etc. The victim adopts a series of measures to manage said environment, and progressively acquires psychological self-defense mechanisms to anticipate or avoid the aggression.

The aggressor's actions are directed towards one objective: destabilize the victim. In this phase the victim tends to minimize or deny the problem (“we have our pluses and minuses, like everyone else”), justification of the behavior violence of the aggressor ("as he is very passionate, he is carried away by anger ..."), and make allusions to positive aspects of his partner ("he is my only support in the lifetime").

3. Explosion Phase

The aggressor takes action. It is characterized by a strong discharge of the tensions caused in the previous phase by the aggressor. The most important physical, psychological and / or sexual aggressions occur.

Compared to the other phases, this is the shortest but also the one that is experienced with the greatest intensity. The most important consequences for the victim occur at this time, both on the physical and mental levels, where a series of psychological alterations continue to be established due to the situation experienced.

In this phase, the victim can maintain high expectations of change in her partner (“over time it will change, you have to give him time… ”), and feelings of guilt appear (“ I deserve it ”,“ the fault is mine for having chosen he").

4. Honeymoon Phase

At first, it is usually the phase responsible for the victim to stay in the cycle, since in it the aggressor initiates a series of compensatory behaviors to show the victim that he is sorry and that it will not happen again. This makes the victim also see the positive part of the aggressor and is caught in reflections about how to make this part appear more frequently.

This phase is characterized by extreme kindness and "loving" behaviors on the part of the aggressor (attention, gifts, promises ...). The aggressor tries to influence family and friends to convince the victim to forgive him. It is common to try to make the victim see that the aggressor needs professional help and her support, and that he cannot abandon him in this situation; This is why some victims return to the aggressor (in case they have ceased living with him) and / or withdraw the complaint that they had previously filed.

But, over time, this phase usually disappears and the cycle is reduced to only three phases: calm, accumulation of tension and explosion. This disappearance of the honeymoon phase agrees with a verbalization that many victims make when they comment that “I, while not yell at me and don't mistreat me, that's enough for me ”thus ignoring that a relationship is sustained by things that go beyond the absence of abuse.

As the honeymoon phase gets shorter the attacks are becoming stronger and more frequent, which reduces the psychological resources of women to get out of the spiral of violence.

Connecting with the Theory of Learned Helplessness

Leonore Walker postulated that Seligman's Theory of Learned Helplessness it was one of the theories that could explain the psychological and behavioral reactions of women who suffered abuse.

Following this theory, continuous abuse would cause the cognitive perception that one is unable to handle or resolve the situation that one is going through, which would generalize to future situations. This feeling of helplessness would lead to an increase in depression, anxiety, and would have a debilitating effect on problem-solving skills.

Battered women would reach a point where they would recognize that their responses have no impact on their battered situation by having put into practice different alternatives to change their own behavior or that of the aggressor and despite them having continued to suffer bad deals.

Final thoughts

Some authors have criticized the theory of learned helplessness applied to battered women, since can be misinterpreted and used to support stereotyped concepts of passive women or defenseless victims. Walker states that the term "helplessness" should be used with great care, as it portrays battered women as less capable and responsible. That is why it must be emphasized that one of the pillars for working with victims is to promote their autonomy / self-care, their self-esteem and your own responsibility.

Battered women are not guilty of what happened to them, but they are responsible, after therapeutic work and being aware of the nature of the cycle of violence, of prevent a new situation of violence from occurring in a future relationship as a couple. At that point they will be able to identify signs that a relationship is not "healthy."

Bibliographic references:

• Echeburúa, E. & Corral, P. (1998). Family violence manual. Madrid, Twenty-first century.

• Echeburúa, E., Amor, P. & Corral, P. (2002). Battered women in prolonged coexistence with the aggressor. Relevant variables. Psychological Action, 2, 135-150.

• Walker, L. AND. (1984). The battered woman syndrome. New York, NY: Springer.