Uneven couples?

Many patients consult me ​​for having "consumed information" on the web, through posts and psychological memes, about supposedly true information about couple relationships. These are ideas, concepts and images that go viral or are massively replicated through social networks, blogs, emails and pass from person to person.

On many occasions, these units of information that are massively shared on social networks speak about experiences that in theory happen to many people, raising doubts as to whether this is also happening to us without our realizing it.In some cases, it sets off the alarms in some homes, and leads to think... Should we consult with specialists?

Academic concepts appear in popular lore, loose, decontextualized and with overwhelming power: "That's it! what's wrong with me! "" That's my partner! "" Ours is toxic! "" Science "says it," specialists "explain it. Symptoms, standardized diagnoses and of course efficient treatments are offered at our fingertips. Once the poison of "wisdom" has been instilled, it stings and seeks an antidote.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

The decision to go to couples therapy

The decision to start a couples therapy is made in most cases when they register communication failures, project incompatibilities, differences perceived as irreconcilable, mistrust, feelings of loneliness and falling out of love. The fights, the silences, the distancing appear, while the sexual desire diminishes or disappears.

The problem is that the antidotes are too many and all with promise of cure or salvation. The question arises as to which will be the best, the only one capable of freeing us from this disorder, from that toxic relationship, from abuse and emotional dependencies. We must decide which one suits us, which one will help us “save” the couple or solve our conflicts.

It is perfectly understandable that we look for alternative solutions when sadness gains ground, forces falter, the answers seem exhausted from so much use. But we must make the effort to explain in our words the problem that afflicts us. A serious mistake is made when conflict is reduced by applying a “psi” lexicon or by alluding to uncertain hormonal or neuronal disorders.

Speaking with psychiatric or psychological terminology does not helpQuite the contrary, it closes with a denomination, what could be said in a unique and particular way in the words of the consultant. If the professionals respond by quickly accepting the knowledge brought to the consultation, we would be validating other people's diagnoses and we would be subject to proposing the corresponding treatment. This is generally carried out by the medical model (disease / treatment), but with the uniqueness of the subject (one by one) it does not work the same.

The search for the causes of the problem

We psychoanalysts have a reputation for listening and not rushing responses. It will be because to analyze is to think in detail, to reflect, to decompose into its parts to obtain causes and effects. The challenge is to pass the saying “it's toxic, it's jealous I obsess, manipulate me, etc. " in saying of each one. This requires a time of commitment and acceptance of the possibilities within our reach. Discovering how much we can give us an idea of ​​the appropriate value for our circumstances.

Humans depend on others. The first nutritional and personal care functions are performed by adults called moms, dads, grandparents, etc. Throughout life we ​​learn to live, to relate through our closest beings, family, school and / or sports environments. They “love” us through their teachings, advice, warnings, and they urge us to respond with good behaviors, efforts, and achievements, among many other things. We are the result of their beliefs, their traditions, their fears and expectations.

Upon reaching adulthood, the possibility of choice is up. The culture allows the encounter (bond / wedding / sexual union) with someone outside of our "tribe" (without blood ties / prohibition of incest) to build a link where you can unite the sexual or erotic current with the tender or loving one in a same person. We will call that lucky person “My partner”.

At best at this stage we will have a fairly definite idea of ​​the type of bond we want to have with another. How they should take care of us, respect, accompany, tolerate and support us. That is, there is an idea of ​​what we are willing to give and what we want to receive. Reciprocity, correspondence, equality are terms that we use to pose serious and lasting relationships.

Seeing yourself reflected in the mirror of your relationship

What we are (or think we are) is reflected in the way we “give ourselves” to the other: “I offer myself, I open myself, I suffer, I resign while you don't”. What we receive is perceived in a different way, it can be overvalued or underestimated and in comparison there are doubts in relation to the values. Who loves more? Or who does it better? I listen to him, I understand him he / she should... If I care so much at least... If I deviate then I wait ...

The parity, equality or absolute equity between two different people (it is not a question of gender) is an impossibility that humans rationalize but do not elaborate. Convenience is the order of the day. What do I get if I am with this person? Will I be able to count on her in the future? And the sons?

Couples therapy is a research work. The analyst circulates the "communication" being able to help each member to discover the effect of the words, reactions and gestures of it, while promoting understanding by relating the past to the present moment and recognizing pacts and fantasies unconscious. The objective is to promote security and empathy to be able to observe what happens to them in a different way.

It implies an openness to exploring the particular attachment relationships that come into play in the relationship facilitating the processing, regulation and integration of the emotions that are activated in her. Without the desire and commitment to make a troubled relationship more pleasant, or to understand in a kinder way for both what causes them discomfort in the relationship, in order to make any changes in this regard, it seems an unviable undertaking to propose couples therapy, then the approach is recommended individual.

Many times it happens that the personal or intrapsychic conflict of one of the members is damaging or hindering the relationship. Although both attend therapy, it is common for them to be cited separately in order to solve personal problems. Likewise, in the joint sessions, respect for the needs of the other is prioritized, the identification of the problem and the search for solutions to address it and emerge stronger once it is we have overcome.

It is important to note that the majority of couples who come to the consultation hold the idea that it is worth finding the solution and fighting for the relationship.