5 steps to love yourself when you have relationship problems

Many people come to my coaching practice because they have problems with their partner. They are not happy and do not know what to do.

They believe that the couple does not love them, they live hooked (codependent) and suffer. They despair when they believe that love or approval must come from outside (through their partner) and it does not come exactly as they would like. They live with frustration, anxiety, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.

The relationship becomes toxic when you expect love to come only from your partner. Your partner can show you more or less affection, affection and listen, but what you cannot expect is that your partner fills your heart.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

What really is self-esteem

The heart cannot be filled by anyone but you. You must learn to recognize that there is love within you. Self-esteem happens when you realize that love is within you, or, rather, it is your essence.

When you discover that you are love, then you give love to all beings (and not only to your partner), because love is the perfume that your soul gives off, who you really are. Love is not something you have to do, it is your identity. Y

when you learn to live from your deepest identity, then you give without expecting anything in return and you can have a healthy relationship.

I have said a "healthy relationship" and not "happy". This means that your relationship will be based on the acceptance of the other (without wanting to change). You will not seek happiness in the relationship, but you will find it within yourself, and what the relationship will do is amplify that which you have found within.

Self-esteem is recognizing or realizing that you are already a complete being and you do not lack anything because when you live from love, you lack nothing. Self-esteem goes beyond what you think or can think of yourself. It is not your self-image.

Self-esteem is who you are before you even think anything about yourself. It is the ultimate substrate of your reality and coincides with the substrate of everything created. It is the consciousness that is in you and in everyone. Being aware of being one with love, which is the essence of everything, is living with self-esteem.

And why do we look for love outside of ourselves?

For a mental confusion. We have believed to be something that we are not. We have identified with what our mind tells us we are. We have believed that we are an "I" that has a body and thoughts. But without realizing that this "I" is actually a thought that can be observed.

And in truth, we are nothing that we can observe or think. We are the space where our thoughts appear and disappear. But we have gotten confused (due to a lack of clarity or awareness) and we have believed to be one of those thoughts that we observe: a thought that has cultivated a history around it and that believes itself to be the protagonist of our lives.

We call that thought ego or "me." That "I" character by definition is devoid of love and lives from fear, because in order to exist it needs the "you" or "other" (who is unknown to it).

The ego lives believing that it is separate from all reality. The "I" bases its existence on duality where there are many "others". The "I" cannot exist without feeling isolated or separated, and therefore, it desperately seeks to complete itself.. And the most direct way to complete yourself is by seeking love through a "partner."

What the "I" does not know is that no matter how many partners you have, the "I" will never feel complete. The "I" by definition is the illusion of separation from reality, from what you really are (love). In other words, no matter how many partners you have, your "I" will always feel that something is missing and will never be satisfied.

How to solve a problem that until now you blamed your partner?

You cannot solve a problem from the same level where it was created (the "me"). The solution is not to get your partner to change. Neither is it changing your "I" for another "I". The problem is ignorance and the solution is to open your eyes to your true face. The problem is that you have believed yourself to be a character who perceives himself separated from his partner and lives drowned in a sea of ​​fear and emotions.

The ego is like a wave that is believed to be separate from the other waves. But in truth, you are not the wave, you are the entire ocean manifested through all the waves. You are not the ego, you are the same consciousness that lives within you and your partner and everything. Deep down, you are the partner you are looking for, and your partner is another version of you. The couple is a mirror where you can see yourself reflected.

Trying to change your partner is like trying to change what you see in a mirror. The couple only changes when you learn to look with different eyes. When you stop looking for love in your partner and you find it within yourself, your partner reflects that love you have found. The relationship problem is therefore solved when you recognize the love that has always lived within you.

Next, I am going to take 5 steps to open up to the true and only love of your life (and it is you).

1. Focus your thinking on your highest center

To begin to recognize your essence, your true identity (beyond the "I") it is important that you have faith in yourself, that is, in your true Self or essence. Faith in you is what will make you go, little by little, transforming you as a larva becomes a butterfly. Therefore, focus your thought on the highest thing that you can conceive within yourself.: eternal love, eternal wisdom, eternal truth. Those are the 3 essential qualities of your true Self.

As Master Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov said, if you imagine a fruit and see how to interpret skin, pulp and bone; skin, which surrounds and protects the fruit, corresponds to the physical plane; pulp, where the currents of life circulate, corresponds to the psychic world; and bone, which ensures the reproduction of the fruit, corresponds to the spiritual world.

If they are transposed into spiritual life, the skin of the fruit is the wisdom that protects, retains and preserves; the pulp is the love that eats and maintains life and, as for the bone that we plant, it represents the truth because only what is true perpetuates life.

Remember that deep down you are the ocean (love) expressing itself in the form of a wave (human). Love is you without identifying with your ego. Your ego is the only thing that separates you from your essence. You should not change anything, you just have to learn to see yourself with different eyes. And to see, you first need to believe or have faith. Put it into practice and you will see. Cultivate faith in yourself as a being of love, wisdom and truth that does not change, or put simply, a being of pure "love."

• You may be interested in: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"

2. Take care of your temple (the body)

To be able to recognize your perfect and complete being, it will help you to have a healthy and vital body. It is difficult to connect with love if your body is suffering. The body is the temple that you created to be able to live in this earthly dimension. It is the spacesuit of your soul. If your body is not well, the spirit of love that you are, it is difficult for you to recognize who you are beyond your body.

3. Calm the mind

In order to recognize your essence, you must calm your mind. It is what is called "meditating". But few people can meditate because there is much chaos in their mind. That is why it is important to learn how to undo the chaos before sitting down to meditate. I recommend the calm chaos meditation that you can find on my website. It lasts 10 minutes and has two phases: the first (5 minutes), consists of expressing all the chaos (or madness) that is inside you.

But you have to express it by making sounds like (blablbablabajaajasda asfa papfa afsw awwaga akkra rkkla pppara fa a) that is, you say nonsensical things. You must let go of your madness and without putting words to it, only sounds without any meaning. And when you finish this chaotic and intense phase, then 5 minutes of calm will come. In this second phase you just have to breathe and observe what you feel. This phase is for you to learn to become familiar with the calm that exists when there is no mental noise (or chaos) in the mind.

4. Prepare contact with your essence

Once our body is healthy and vital and our mind is calm, we can go one step further inward. Y we will use the breath as the bridge to enter ourselves. I am going to share with you one of the exercises that I recommend to my coaching clients. It is inspired by the teachings of Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov and is an exercise that brings enormous benefits to your psyche and nervous system. It should be done on an empty stomach (minimum 5 hours after eating) and the instructions are:

• Cover the left nostril and inhale through the right (4 seconds)
• Hold (16 seconds)
• Exhale through the left (8 seconds)
• Inhale through the left (4 seconds)
• Continue like this until you have inhaled 6 times through each hole

If you want to take this exercise to the next level, each time you inhale imagine that you drink Love or Light and make yourself small as if you were the point of a circle. Each time you retain, imagine that Light or Love nourishes all your cells within. And each time you exhale, imagine that you expand that Light to the entire entire Universe.

5. Open your heart

We have already begun to touch the invisible in ourselves with the power of conscious breathing. Now we must enter into the heart, which is where our true identity or essence really dwells. And we will do it with the power of song and devotion. You must sing to your essence with devotion, imagining it in the center of your heart as if it were a white, radiant, glorious and warm Light. Sing to that light with your whole body, your mind, your heart and your soul. May your voice fan the flame that dwells within you.

Surrender to your luminous center. Offer him your best song. Feel what you say. Feel passion, gratitude and devotion towards yourself, towards the purest and most sacred that lives in your heart. And if you want to say a few words, I especially like these:

“I love your Wisdom; I have faith in your love; I trust in your Power. I give myself to You to be able to serve You ”. That is, surrender your ego to the Love that you are in essence. That total surrender to the purest and brightest of your interior acts like water so that you flourish in Love.

As you feed that flame that lives in the secret chamber of your heart, you will begin to remember who you are. And as you awaken to your authentic divine nature (Love), your way of relating to the world and others will be transformed. There will be people who will not bear your new identity (an identity that you do not fear) and will walk away from you for they will not bear that you are free and powerful, and there will be souls that will approach you to share their love.

In conclusion

In short: if you want to get out of a toxic relationship, go inside yourself and regain contact with your inner partner (the light within you that is pure love). Only by making that internal change can you expect real external changes. It is not by changing partners how you are really going to solve your problem but by broadening the perception you have of yourself first.

Stop living from the "I" (who is afraid and seeks security by attaching himself to a partner) and discover what you are, always have been and always will be. You are love and when you live with that awareness, all problems cease to exist and you live the perfection of the present moment as it is.