The 5 languages ​​of love: which one is yours?

A friend tells you that she is going to end her relationship, since her partner "does not treat him as she should." It is about that friend of yours to whom her partner does not stop taking him on a trip despite earning little money. You die of envy of the photos that are uploaded to your facebookWell, you like to travel a lot; with your boyfriend you have not even gone to the Alhambra of Granada.

Your friend, however, is dying of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and according to you: "a cloying person who talks a lot but recently"; of what you translate, that he will not love you so much.

The 5 languages ​​of love

Often in the private sphere, people we discuss the various problems we experience as a couple. Some problems are more noticeable (such as discussions in decision-making, non-shared individual hobbies, etc.) than others, which go more unnoticed. This is the case of the type of problem that we are going to expose below.

The 5 languages ​​of love: modal preferences to show and receive love

According to Chapman (2009), there are 5 languages ​​of love. These can be very important for the relationship to improve substantially, not only as a couple, but between friends, colleagues or family. Chapman emphasizes that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in concrete ways. It is interesting to know what the types of love that exist. You can check it at:

"Types of love: what different kinds of love are there?"

Below we explain the five modalities or languages ​​of love:

1. Words

We express affection to verbalize words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility towards another. They are words that are sometimes said without thinking and have a very positive effect on the other person; increasing your self-esteem, your security and your well-being. "Almost all of us remember fleeting words that (...) marked our lives."

It is recommended to use direct, simple and forceful phrases: "I love you very much, really"; "I love when you explain things to me so well." But above all, it is important that it is credible for the person who receives it and for this it is essential that the person who transmits it really feels it (body expression, appropriate context).

2. Quality time

We live in the rush society that, together with the false needs created by the market (having the best car, trip, house, etc.) makes us forget what the quality time. Sharing quality time is not so much the act (a good dinner in an expensive restaurant), but the enjoyment of it by sharing it with our loved ones; listening and being listened to, without rushing or other distractions. There is no other goal for the person, other than to share that time with the person they love.

3. Gifts

The meaning of the gift seems to have lost value in a consumer society: "The more gifts and more expensive the better", it tells us, regardless of their need or usefulness. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express a lot of love and affection for being made by the person himself or bought effort.

For this reason, for some people this type of gift symbolizes a very beautiful expression of love; whoever gives her has been working hard and thinking about her for a long time. On the other hand, whoever is working on making or obtaining that gift, enjoys from the moment they have the idea, until after having given the gift to the other, without waiting for more than your smile.

4. Acts of service

Try to please the person serving them or doing them favors some people find it gratifying. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of the heaviest tasks or traveling to distant places, are acts that they perform meticulously and with a smile on their face, without expecting you to return the favor or an immediate response compensatory. "It is not a need or an obligation, but something that is done generously to help the other."

5. Physical contact

Is the form of simpler and more direct communication. Hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, having sex; they are ways of transmitting and receiving love from the partner. For some people, physical contact is their main language, they feel security and happiness through it; and without it they do not feel loved. "It can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. "

Share the way of loving

It is common for the couple who come to the consultation verbalizing that they did not receive any love from the other (Punset, 2010). Know, identify and share the different ways of loving It is a great help; It gives us a plus for communication as a couple. Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, since the field of Couples Therapy is very broad. The 5 languages ​​of love is one of them. Once visualized, they may seem obvious, but if we think for a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. Nobody is a fortune teller, and to ignore that the other knows it, is a very frequent mistake between couples.

Each person has preferences for expressing one or more types of languages ​​that may or may not coincide with the reception preference. If they do not show us love through our preferred language, we may not feel loved (Punset; 2010). Thus, to give utility to these concepts, I propose meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues or family (as it can also be a useful tool for those close to you):

1. Know the 5 languages ​​of love: Physical contact; Quality time; Gifts; Acts of service; and Words. (Explained above).
2. Identify them in ourselves: What is the way I prefer to receive love? And what is the way I prefer or usually express affection? It may be difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify just one (there can be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when we receive the different expressions of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform these.
3. Share them: Once identified, it will be useful when you expose them to your partner; If you have any doubts at the time you solve them (the more it is specified the better, remember that nothing should be taken for granted); and that the other party, also expose you their preferences.
4. Put them into practice. This section seems easy, however, it can go wrong. So you have to be patient. Each person develops in a context and gets used to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs families where the members never hug). What we see as normal is not so normal for others and changing habits sometimes costs a lot. Therefore, you have to be patient during the change; positively reinforce the other's effort when performing the desired act; and if you are ignoring or not doing it as we want, explain it again (in a different way, through examples, etc).

Finally, reflect that every healthy person has the capacity to express the five types of love, and that to a greater or lesser extent we express all or almost all. Elsa punset (2010) defends in her book that: "if we accustom our children to give and receive love from all languages, tomorrow they will be able to communicate freely in all of them".

Bibliographic references:

• Chapman, G. (2009). The five languages ​​of love. LifeWay Spanish.
• Punset, E. (2010). Compass for emotional boaters. Aguilar.