'I feel like a roommate with my partner': possible causes and what to do

Emotional stagnation in the field of marriage or dating is one of the common reasons for consultation of those who go to the psychologist, either in individualized psychotherapy sessions or couples therapy.

However, most people who experience this phenomenon are not able to put words to it that define well what they feel, and tend to give very abstract or even confusing and inconsistent explanations to times. It is normal for this to happen: love is an experience based on emotions and is not made for be limited by the use of language or logic, especially if you have no training in psychology.

In this way, phrases like "I feel like a roommate with my partner" are common, as well as "I'm just with my partner and nothing else" or "we have gotten used to each other and we no longer expect anything." In this article we will review the general characteristics of this type of experience, and its possible solutions or strategies to overcome them.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons "

When coexistence as a couple turns into boredom

Love is often spoken of as the core of romantic relationships, and in part, it is true that it is. However, considering that a marriage or courtship is based on one element clearly delimitable which we call "love" and on which the whole relationship is built exposes us to a trouble: emotions change, evolve, and with them so does the affective bond, for better or for worse.

In other words, it is clear that love is very important when establishing a relationship, but under this concept there is actually a flow of affections, feelings and intense emotions that unite us to that person, and this is transformed as that relationship goes through different phases. What we feel about that person after two years of dating is not the same as the infatuation of the first weeks, and the coexistence of the first days under the same roof is little like those who have already formed a new family unit together with the other.

None of this implies that the couple's relationship has to always go from the bottom up when it comes to satisfaction and happiness., but the fact is that some people notice that after a few months or several years, that coexistence becomes a simple routine, the fact of knowing that the other person lives with us, without more. For one reason or another, in certain cases the relationship reaches a stage of stagnation in which boredom or even frustration prevails over not feeling interested in doing things together.

This does not have to indicate that this relationship has no reason for being; many times, what is behind that experience is not so much the incompatibility with that person, but rather a series of habits unconsciously adopted by both when interacting with the other, and that they can be "unlearned" to make the relationship satisfactory again, and not simply tolerable.

• You may be interested in: "Apathy: symptoms and causes of this feeling"

Possible causes of emotional stagnation as a couple

Although each relationship is unique, there are usually a number of situations that have a great capacity to produce that sensation to be "living with our partner" without more. They are as follows.

• Work stress.
• Lack of sleep.
• Time incompatibilities.
• Lack of leisure habits due to lack of mutual friends or ignorance of the environment (for example, after a move).
• Poor management of discussions.
• Inability to address certain taboo topics that hinder the relationship and communication in it.

What can be done?

As we have seen, where some would only see the dramatic end of a love relationship, triggered by deficiencies in the essence of that love, Relatively banal psychosocial variables can be hidden, but with the passing of the days they can accumulate and gradually generating a rarefied environment in which passivity and apathy predominate. Or even psychopathological problems, especially in the area of ​​mood disorders.

In any case, the best way to deal with these cases (and the only way, in the case of psychological disorders) is to go to a psychotherapy specialist. In the psychologist's office it is possible to have a professional who makes a diagnosis adjusted to each specific case, and who proposes solutions adapted for each person and couple.

A) Yes, both from individualized therapy and from couples therapy, people are learning ways to manage negative emotions, effective and assertive communication guidelines, ways to keep the mind active and in constant interaction with the environment (and with others), and other ways to have a better predisposition to detect the potential sources of incentives of that love relationship, and to remove them match.

Specific, Cognitive-behavioral psychology works so that people modify their behavior patterns starting by modifying and improving their framework of interpretation of what happens in their relationship, that is, the set of beliefs and ideas from which they extract a meaning to what happens to them while being next to each other person. In this way, it is possible to adopt a more constructive mentality and prone to detect opportunities or even promising projects to carry out together, as well as to improve communication between the two.

Are you seeking the help of a psychologist?

If you are interested in having psychotherapeutic support to overcome problems related to the management of emotions or affective relationships, please contact me. I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, and I work offering sessions both face-to-face (in Madrid) and online by video call.