Compassion: a basic tool in our relationships

Compassion is sensitivity to the suffering of oneself and of others. Its objective goes beyond comprehension, therefore it mobilizes the individual towards the commitment to alleviate and prevent said discomfort.

Even if necessary, compassion is socially frowned upon. For many, it arouses contradictory emotions and becomes an unpleasant feeling. Refusing the possibility of feeling it in the first person and that others feel it, deprives the individual of a basic tool for his emotional balance.

The importance of compassion

This week, Pilar Hurtado, collaborating physician at the Instituto de Psychological and Psychiatric Assistance Mensalus, presents compassion as a fundamental tool for our personal relationships and encourages us to receive it from love towards oneself and towards the other.

In fact, for many, the concept of compassion has a negative connotation ("I don't want them to feel compassion for me"). Why is it so difficult to integrate this concept?

Yes, this is a very repeated phrase. It is true that because of our Judeo-Christian roots, compassion is frowned upon, it seems to undervalue or belittle those who suffer. However, compassion, from the Buddhist perspective, is the love and affection from which one hears his pain and the pain of others, is the sensitivity to suffering, with the commitment to alleviate it and prevent it.

Its essence is totally away from prejudice, contempt or invalidation, and is directly related to motivation and love. In other words. It is a behavior aimed at producing well-being in those who suffer (we repeat, whether it is oneself or another person). In fact, compassion is a necessary instrument to achieve personal calm.

Otherwise, we would be continually immersed in a duel of the titans.

Why?

For a double war: the struggle between the different states / faces of the self ("I blame myself for") and the struggle of myself against the world ("I blame others for"). Of course, living like this is exhausting. Therefore, compassion provides a state of peace and tranquility from which we obtain well-being basic to open ourselves to other contexts, enhance our personal relationships and feel made.

What else does self-pity entail?

Self-compassion refers to the loving treatment that we grant ourselves when things do not go well for us and, consequently, shame and self-criticism surface. Self-pity is an act of self-listening that puts guilty thoughts aside to promote respect. It is a clear sign of self-care.

Its structure is very complete. If we break it down, we find an emotional component, a cognitive component, and a behavioral component. The balance between these three elements is precisely what makes it an efficient tool.

Tell us more...

In the first place, compassion is an emotion that arises from the perception of the suffering of others and that provokes an impulse aimed at alleviating the suffering we perceive. On the other hand, it implies a cognitive component made up of several facets: attention to the suffering of others, evaluation / analysis of said suffering, and the recognition of our capacities to intervene and alleviate it in a efficient. Finally, compassion is also defined by a behavioral component that responds to the commitment and decision to perform actions aimed at eliminating suffering.

Differentiating between empathy and compassion

Are compassion and empathy the same?

It's easy to confuse compassion with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another, it is the ability to understand and respect their thinking, feeling and behavior. Being empathetic means understanding the suffering of others intellectually. Well. Compassion is something else.

Compassion differs from empathy because, in addition to understanding perceived suffering, it awakens an urge to take action that wisely attends to that suffering. Compassionate action can neutralize the cause of suffering, but its main motivation is to accompany the pain with courage and strength while it is present. As we pointed out, it is a mobilizing feeling: seek care and attention.

And what is the difference between self-pity and self-esteem?

Self-esteem increases when we do things right. Self-compassion refers to how we see and treat ourselves (the way we address ourselves) when things have not gone well for us. With it, a relationship of acceptance and not judgment towards us (whether we succeed or fail) is cultivated. Self-compassion is one of the fundamental ingredients of positive self-concept and, with it, of the self-esteem. Without self-compassion, will we take care of ourselves from love and affection?

Broadly speaking, how can we develop compassion?

On an individual level, meditation is perfect for developing this ability. Likewise, experiencing compassion and the impact it generates through group work is undoubtedly another excellent way.

In recent years, different training programs for compassion towards oneself and towards others have been created (both in the general population and in the population with mental disorders). The results have shown a reduction in anxiety, anger, hostility and depression among the participants, as well as an increase in the ability to Mindfulness (full attention).

Specifically, Paul Gilbert (2015) has developed Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) from a evolutionary perspective and a model of emotional regulation for people with high degrees of shame and self-criticism.

Gilbert tells us that to develop compassion it is necessary to practice caring for the suffering of the other. This is one of the first points to train. From here it is possible to empathize with the objective of intellectually understanding their suffering. Finally, as we explained, taking one more step translates into devising and carrying out behaviors that seek to alleviate the perceived suffering. They are behaviors that can be aimed at finding physical contact and / or transmitting a message of: "I care about you and I care about your pain."

For all this, it is interesting to inquire into our personal experience and foster confidence in our wisdom in a safe space. Group work offers this space.

What would you say to all those people who are reading this interview and, to begin with, are uncomfortable with compassion?

The practice of compassion offers an internal dialogue with a therapeutic power capable of alleviating suffering and increasing happiness regardless of external circumstances. Training compassion creates a balance that, from the outside, is difficult to understand.

For this reason, to all those readers who fear compassion, I would encourage them to carry out a work of introspection that brings them closer answers, and would invite them to give themselves the opportunity to grow this essential tool for personal relationships, away from judgment and criticism.