What prevents you from being a happy mother?

It seems that we are increasingly aware that, if this life has any meaning, it is to live it from happiness.

Enjoy the good times, the feeling of inner fulfillment that makes us feel better than anything else. Be aware of everything wonderful we have in the form of family, friends, experiences, material goods, health... In short, be aware that I have plenty of reasons to be happy.

Exactly the same thing happens with fatherhood and motherhood. In the past we saw couples who seemed to have children simply because it was the moment, because it was normal. But now we are much more aware that motherhood (and fatherhood) is one of the most relevant and beautiful aspects that can happen in life.

• Related article: "Top 6 Problems for New Parents"

Motherhood, fatherhood and happiness

Until a generation or two ago, “raising the children ahead” was a path of obstacles that had to be overcome. Survival was far above enjoyment, and it seemed that seeking one's own happiness and that of one's child was relegated to the last place on the list of priorities. It was considered absurd.

The mission of a mother or father was to achieve useful, responsible and hard-working children. Whether the children and the parents were happy or not was a consequence of work and the standard of living that is reached. And despite this, the happiness levels of those generations were much higher than those of the current one.

Interestingly, now that we focus on raising happier children, and that we seek personal self-fulfillment through parenthood, our levels of stress, anxiety and depression derived from raising and educating our children are much more high. What is the reason for this contradiction?

In a way this is explained by the very nature of our mind. It is programmed for many very important things, but one of them is not happiness. Surviving, being better and better, living in society, are some of the functions that it helps us fulfill. Like all currency, it has a double side that is the real problem.

1. Survival above all

To survive, you have to anticipate the problems that you may encounter along the way. Therefore, thinking about what can happen to you and finding ways to avoid it, is one of the functions of the mind.

Also, the mind loves routine. It is a way to achieve that survival. "If what I did yesterday allowed me to stay alive, today I will do it again." This is the approach, although happiness is in the background.

The mission of the mind in this regard with regard to motherhood leads you to live awaiting the bad that can happen to your child. For example, adolescence "is full of dangers" right now, isn't it? Addictions, bullying, youth depression, school dropout... There is a lot of talk about it in the media, and automatically the mind leads you to live it as if it were going to happen to you, and to look for ways to avoid it at all costs.

2. Reach your best version

To be better and better, to feel that you are surpassing yourself, that you are “your best version”, is a noble aspiration, don't you think? This improvement will lead us to feel more fulfilled, happier.

But we return to the double side of the coin. To improve, what do I need to focus my attention on? Well yes, of course, in what I do wrong. That is why your mind (and mine) is always on the lookout for show you and remind you of what you were not perfect at. It invites you to learn, but under the old expression of "the letter with blood enters".

In the case of parenting with your children, that search to be a better mother every time, and for your child to be better and better, leads you to the continuous criticism (towards you and him), to think that, although things are good, they could be better, and to repeat what is not right and that should to get well.

This way of acting is the source of the low self-esteem that our little ones suffer so many times and that is seen when they reach adolescence.

3. Integrated and with friends

One of the sources of human progress has been the ability to organize and live in society. It distinguishes us from many other "inferior" species (but which curiously seem much happier).

Nothing better to live in society than to resemble the like. To adapt to what the majority dictates, to be part of that community on a physical, attitudinal and emotional level to generate the feeling of belonging that gives us so much security, right? However, once again, there is a "but".

This need to "fit in", leads us to realize how different our life is from that of others. Because we are aware of our personal and emotional fears, longings and deficits, while before our eyes, others lead a life of apparent peace, harmony and happiness. What would they think of me if they knew my "dark secret?" Once again, our minds are playing tricks on us.

As parents, repeat to our little ones "what are others going to think of you?" or make them feel different and for Therefore, judged by the rest, it creates a feeling of isolation that takes them away from that ideal socialization. In addition, as a mother you will be facing motherhood in a painful way towards you, and this will become an obstacle to feeling happy.

Who controls your mind?

Faced with this dark present, it is not easy to find a way out. There are people who explain the mind as a runaway horse that drags you if you don't know how to tame it. I do not think so.

For me, the mind is more of a speeding freight truck filled with flammable material and whose driver suffers from attacks of narcolepsy (what a panorama, don't you think?).

Imagine, the danger is constant. The strength of the mind is that its volume is overwhelming. More than 60,000 daily thoughts accompany you from day to night. So, controlling the mind is not an easy task. The point is to realize when it is useful to you and when it is not.

Faced with such a constant volume of information, our mission must be discern when it is really helping us to be happier parents, and when it is showing us the other unpleasant side of the coin, the one that takes us away from happiness.

So what's stopping you from being a happy mom?

In order to differentiate what is useful so that you are happy from what is not, I leave you some important keys. Above all, the goal with them is that you are able to identify when your mind is taking that path and is separating you from your personal well-being.

1. Avoid expectations

The need to know what is going to happen is inherent in the mind, to have everything under control (or believe that it is). But forget about it, it is not possible to achieve it. No matter how hard you try, the life of your son or daughter cannot be written by you. Let yourself be surprised, and put your efforts in the positive that you can do now for him or her.

2. Identify the beliefs that limit you

Before the daily volume of information that resonates in our head, there are messages installed in the mind that prevent us from feeling good, and that arise simply because "it has always been this way". Remember that the mind loves routine if it made it survive, but what you believe prevents you from being happier.

Realize what thoughts and habits you have had with your children that are repeated and that keep you from feeling like a happy mother. Also, find out what attitudes you adopt simply because you lived them at home as a daughter. Here you have some keys to start changing.

• You may be interested in: "Cognitive schemas: how is our thinking organized?"

3. Direct your attention to what really matters

Wherever you put your attention, you help the thoughts associated with that experience grow larger. Currently we have many occasions to "distract our attention" and stop operating properly (television, mobile, social networks ...).

Realize that what can really make you feel like a happy mother is happening now, and only by paying attention will you be able to enjoy it. Your son will follow his stages as we have all followed them throughout our lives, but the most important is the one he is living today.

In conclusion...

As you can see, they are three very simple things but they need your commitment, your work and your perseverance. Power your mind, develop your emotions regulation skills through Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness to that you learn to recognize it, understand it and handle it as you need to live parenthood or motherhood much more satisfactory. That way you will realize that you can really be a happy mother.

If you are encountering many problems in the process of establishing a good relationship with motherhood or fatherhood, I invite you to contact me; From Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence enhancement tools, I can offer you a training plan in emotion management skills.