How to detect emotional blackmail in relationships

One of the main myths about relationships is that those that are successful are those that last the longest.

The idea behind this belief is that the ability that a marriage or courtship has to make us happy has to do with its stability and persistence. However, the truth is that many relationships last many years and are apparently stable, despite being based on totally toxic dynamics that keep you from happiness.

This is often reflected in relationships in which emotional blackmail is a constant. There are even situations in which what prevents the breakup or separation is precisely this tendency to blackmail the other person.

Bearing this in mind, during the next few lines we will review the main warning signs associated with emotional blackmail in a relationship.

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What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a psychosocial phenomenon in which one of the communicative agents offers manipulated information so that the other feels the pressure to have the responsibility not to harm the first. That is

distorted versions of the sense of duty are used to generate a feeling of guilt or an emotion of fear of losing something important.

It is a term popularized by the psychotherapist Susan Forward and that is normally used when talking about toxic dynamics in friendships, family or of a partner, and that in many cases constitute psychological abuse, being considered a type of violence in which physical damage is not necessarily produced to the victim.

As almost all current relationships are established on the idea of ​​commitment and the need to make an effort to keep that bond alive and take care to the other person, emotional blackmail is used to make the victim believe that she is in an obligation to adapt to the demands of her / her boyfriend, husband or wife.

That is the system of expectations and roles associated with the concept of "love relationship" is used to blur their limits and make them, apparently, also cover unfair and unequal situations, making them pass through what is expected of one person who loves the other.

Due to the above, many times the victims of emotional blackmail in a relationship and couple take many months or even years to realize what is really happening. And that is why it is essential to identify the characteristics of these destructive dynamics as soon as possible.

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Warning signs of emotional blackmail in a relationship

One of the characteristics of love relationships is that, by mobilizing our emotions so much, can lead to situations where we develop a very skewed view of what is happening. For this reason, the occasions in which we do not realize how the affective bond is transforming into a harmful, toxic relational dynamic for one or both people are not rare.

In this sense, here you will find a summary of the most frequent identifying signs of cases of emotional blackmail in relationships.

1. Defend that the problem of being jealous is of the other person

Jealousy problems are always the person who experiences them. Remember that jealousy is based on the fear that the person will break the commitment of fidelity to the partner or expose himself to situations that may predispose him to break that commitment; that is, they occur regardless of whether the other person has shown signs of wanting to be unfaithful.

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2. Expresses disappointment or frustration when seeing that you want to maintain social life beyond the couple

This class of attempts to socially isolate the person is one of the clearest and most serious alarm signals, and should be considered as a threat that is part of the dynamics of abuse.

3. Claim emotional support that can only be given from within the couple

Another form of emotional blackmail is to adopt a role of total dependence in the face of crisis, such as the death of a loved one, lack of work... dependence that implies that can only be overcome by having a partner. In other words, the idea that you can help yourself by getting out of the role of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is annulled.

4. Makes the other person feel bad about their professional progress

Trying to make someone feel guilty for improving her professional career, even earning more than the person who complains about it, is another of the common signs of emotional blackmail.

That is, it is claimed in a more or less indirect way that the other person dedicates less time and energy to her work to dedicate it to the couple's relationship, but not because they lack time together, but because that difference of "success" between one and the other produces discomfort.

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5. Ask that you not force him to live single again

This is a way of manipulating the other person so as not to break up with a relationship even though the latter is unhappy in it. Consists in present the experience of singleness as a very specific lifestyle in which the other person is unable to live, despite the fact that there is a practically infinite variety of ways to be single.

The truth is that everyone is capable of being single or single, and even of being happy without a partner, since human beings are not biologically obliged to have a boyfriend / girlfriend, husband or wife. There are many other ways to enjoy a fulfilling social and emotional life.

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6. It rests all responsibility for raising children on the other person

In certain heterosexual relationships, it is very typical use gender roles to try to ensure that the upbringing and education of children is basically attended by women. In other words, the pressure for the correct development of these children and adolescents (and with it, the well-being of the family) is put on the person who is being manipulated.

7. He brings up crises from the past to justify his demands

Emotional blackmail can feed on past relationship problems, using them as an excuse to constantly demand special treatment that will not be indulged in normal circumstances. It is a way to bring up experiences in which perhaps the person being manipulated did something wrong, but that objectively already repaired. In these types of dynamics, it is acted as if it were impossible to reach a point where these insults have been 100% repaired, and for that reason it is not specified what to do so that both parties can “be in peace".

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Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you want to have psychological assistance, either through individualized psychotherapy or through couples therapy, get in touch with us.

On Advance Psychologists We have more than 20 years of experience and we work helping people of all ages, whether from In person at our center located in Madrid, or by video call from the therapy modality on-line. Beyond psychological therapy, we also offer services in speech therapy, neuropsychology, sexology, and psychiatry.