Second-hand stress: how it affects us, causes, and how to manage it

Stress is an emotion that we are all familiar with. There are many situations that cause us stress, an emotion that we generally experience because of something that affects us directly.

However, it also happens that we can be stressed simply because a person in our environment is. Like yawning or laughing, stress is contagious and it can happen that even the calmest person in the world ends up getting stressed because a friend of hers is overwhelmed.

This acquired emotion has been called second-hand stress, just like the smoke we breathe when we have a smoker around. Let's see a little more in depth why we get this emotion.

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What is second-hand stress?

We've all heard that even if we're not the ones who smoke, getting secondhand tobacco smoke is almost as harmful as smoking. Well, there are those who say that this same rule applies to stress, although we are not the ones who experience it in the first person.

This type of emotion is known as second-hand stress, and

It has been defined as the vulnerability to acquire the stressful state of others, to become infected with their nervousness and emotional discomfort.

It is not uncommon. Everyone has experienced it at some time because, like it or not, it is inevitable to be affected by the mood of others. It is enough to spend a few hours with that coworker who gets overwhelmed as soon as he has a dedication, that friend who always seems to go to the limit or that sister who perceives everything as a constant threat.

The negative emotions of other people can alter us, something that does not cease to show our human and empathic nature but is also very annoying.

It seems that experiencing second-hand stress makes some biological sense.. From a neurological and phylogenetic perspective, catching someone else's stress is actually an adaptive mechanism that allows us to sense dangers. When we see that someone is upset, we deduce that she is because there is a threat, which can also harm us and therefore should be avoided. Therefore, we empathize with that person, experiencing the same emotion from him to act accordingly.

The problem is that, although this mechanism must have been very useful in the past, today it seems having become a handicap, something that more than a protection mechanism is a danger to our health mental. Second-hand stress in many cases, it is an unnecessary suffering arising from the mismanagement of the negative emotions of another person. Living with someone who does not handle stress properly can end up splashing and hurting us.

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Causes

It is inevitable to talk about mirror neurons and empathy when discussing why stress occurs second hand. Empathy is responsible for us tune in to the emotions of others, and it is even what makes us yawn when we see (or even hear) someone yawn or laugh. Empathy is the mechanism that makes us sensitive to other people's emotions, both good ones and those that involve suffering, such as stress.

Non-verbal communication also generates emotional contagions, since as they say, an image is worth a thousand words and this also translates into the field of emotions. Sometimes you just need to go through a room where people are exhausted, angry or stressed (for example, a subway car, a funeral home ...) so that we end up getting those emotions, without being told at any time what it is that has made them feel this way or, not even, telling us that it is like that feel.

Understood this, we can see that Second-hand stress is the effect that being around someone who is emotionally tense has on our nervous system. And we say that it has an effect on the nervous system because, in fact, being around nervous people makes our body produce more cortisol, the famous stress hormone.

How does this psychological phenomenon appear?

As strange as it sounds, sometimes we behave so automatically that we are not even aware of our emotions. It often happens that, after doing things out of sheer inertia for a while, we stop for a moment and realize that we are not feeling well on an emotional level. But when we become aware of our emotions, it is frankly difficult for us to identify what causes them.

For this reason, second-hand stress affects us without our realizing it, but it does not suck our energy any less. This discomfort is especially intense after spending time with one of the sources of stress, such as a boss, a partner, a family member, a partner... Our energy fades and negative emotions take over.

The couple is especially relevant, because if she suffers from high anxiety, it is very difficult for us not we feel affected by her emotions, especially considering that she is a person we care about very much.

But it is that in these times it also happens that people we do not know influence us emotionally. In a hyper-connected world, it is almost inevitable not to get the stress of individuals who, although they are at the other end of the world, they change our spirits by sharing their traumatic stories, the experience of a situation of discrimination or criticism social. It is difficult to maintain a positive mood if we see that there are many misfortunes in the world and, even if we are not victims of them, it is inevitable to feel discomfort for these people.

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How to handle stress secondhand

When stress is not managed properly, it ends up taking a physical and psychological toll on us. For this reason, in the same way that we protect ourselves from the tobacco smoke of a smoker, we must also protect ourselves from the stress of other people. To be honest it is somewhat complicated, but it is an exercise of the utmost necessity to be able to enjoy better mental health.

1. Flexible mind in the face of stress

Stress is not always pathological, in fact, it is a normal response of our brain to events that exceed us and that we need to get going to overcome them. It is inevitable to experience it from time to time, but it is not healthy for it to become part of our daily lives.

To protect us from him it is necessary to develop a flexible mind in the face of stressful environments and other negative emotions.

We must make a conscious effort to avoid becoming impregnated with the frustration and discomfort of others. It's okay to feel compassion for others, but we can't make their emotional suffering an inseparable part of our lives. We already have our own problems, what is the use of adding new ones that have little to do with us?

We can encourage that person to learn to better manage their stress or help them get rid of the source of discomfort, but we cannot allow something that affects another person and that we cannot solve to end us affecting.

Let's limit ourselves to feeling compassion for those who are going through a rough patch, establishing an emotional containment barrier between them and us. Pitying these people is an act of empathy, an act of humanity, but one that will prevent their problems from harming us.

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2. Protect yourself from the stress of others to help you better

If our friend, partner, coworker, brother or any other person important to us suffers a lot of stress, it will not help us that we suffer with him. As we said, his thing is to feel compassion, but not to fall into his well of discomfort. If we want to help that person we love, it is necessary that, instead of allowing her stress to affect us, we must be strong and avoid making her discomfort our own.

What we must do is reverse the direction of influence, that is, that we are the ones who influence that person and motivate them to find a solution and learn to manage their emotions. Those who suffer need support and a little push to solve their life, not for others to fall into the same loop of negativity.

3. Apply ecpathy

This is where we introduce a peculiar word: ecpathy. This is not the opposite idea of ​​empathy, but rather a complement. It is the correct management of the emotions that are infected to us, the voluntary process of exclusion of feelings, attitudes, thoughts and motivations induced by others.

Ecpathy allows us to apply an adequate mental restraint from which to connect with others but without falling into its web of negativity. It serves as a psychological balance to protect us from unwelcome foreign emotions without preventing us from connecting with the emotional state of the people we care about.

4. Create positive antibodies

A good way to prevent other people's emotions from sinking our day is by finding actions that neutralize the negative effects of the stressed person. For example, instead of responding to your stress with a similar one, we can offer a smile, an understanding gesture, or try to talk about something positive about your appearance or what you have done.

It is advisable avoid starting conversations in a negative key, such as "I am desperate with so much work" or "I am very overwhelmed", replacing them with more positive statements such as "I like talking to you" or "How good is the coffee today!" and things for him style. The best way to counteract negativity is with positivity.