Relationships: the 5 most common mistakes in communication

Communication is one of the basic pillars of any relationship. Couples are constantly changing and, therefore, being able to express our needs, desires and what bothers us is essential to reach agreements that allow the couple to grow and evolve.

At the end of the day, it is about knowing how to communicate efficiently, knowing how to negotiate and setting limits when necessary. The problem is that no one teaches us how to communicate effectively on a day-to-day basis, and if we add to that the emotions involved in a couple's argument, we have the cocktail for disaster.

Therefore, in this article, I want to show you the most common mistakes in communication and how to solve them. To illustrate these errors I am going to explain them through a simple example: “Most of the time you get the garbage, it is a task that you do not mind doing from time to time, but you would like your partner to also take care of this".

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons "

Common errors in communication within relationships

These are very frequent mistakes in the realm of the couple.

1. Generalize

If you use words like "always" or "never" when arguing with your partner, you are generalizing. To begin with, it is unlikely that your partner will always / never do something, and if your goal is for him to change his behavior, by generalizing you're only going to get him defensive, and when you are on the defensive it is difficult to negotiate.

To do? Change the words always / never at specific times: "You never take out the trash"> "This week you haven't taken the trash out."

2. Reproach

When you communicate with your partner you have a goal, in the previous example "to take out the trash." How do you achieve that goal? Focusing on him. A very common mistake when a couple argue is "take out the dirty laundry", it begins by talking about the garbage and ends with "3 years ago you did ...".

To do? Focus on the goal, one thing at a time; If not, you will lose sight of your objective and you will not be able to solve anything.

3. Interpret

Do not make personal interpretations of why your partner does or does not do something, talk about the facts. It is common to assume that what is bothering us comes from the personality characteristics of the partner, that it is done with bad intention or because they do not care enough about us.

To do? Change the interpretation for the facts and what you would like to happen: “You don't take out the garbage because you are a lazy person / you don't take out the garbage because you do not care about the relationship and you do not collaborate ”for“ this week you have not taken the garbage out, I would like you to take it out today ”.

4. Interrupt

Your partner will not feel comfortable if when he tries to communicate you interrupt him. Each one must have their space to express themselves; If not, it can lead to frustration, anger, and loss of desire to communicate.

To do? Practice the active listening, allow your partner to give his opinion and express himself, and do the same. It is important to respect the turns so that both of you feel heard.

5. Avoid

It can be avoided in many ways, leaving the room, avoiding eye contact, using silences... Many people think that if they avoid arguing, the problem will solve itselfWe keep all those discussions in a little drawer until one day it bursts.

To do? Use the tools you have learned to have conversations aimed at achieving your goals, avoiding that conversation will not solve anything. In the event that at some point the conversation has to be stopped, let it be the one who has had to "leave" the one to resume it.So both of you will know that you will have the opportunity to continue talking about it later.

summarizing

In short, the first axiom of communication says: you cannot not communicate. We are continuously communicating, although we are silent and looking away. Therefore, it is up to you to decide if you want to communicate as you have done so far, or try to communicate in a more efficient way and improve your relationship with your partner, you decide!