Fear of commitment after ending a relationship

Different levels of intimacy are reached in couple relationships. There are more formal relationships than others, some aimed at short-term enjoyment and others considering how to organize life as a couple in the long term, thinking about getting married and having children.

The formula is relatively simple: if the two of you are comfortable being in an informal relationship, it will be fine; If both of you want to reach a greater degree of commitment, that will also be fine. But, when one wants more commitment and the other doesn't, that's when there's a problem.

Commitment phobia is something very common in men and women, but it is more so especially when you have the history of having left a relationship that went very wrong. Let's address it below.

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Commitment phobia after leaving a relationship

Relationships are never easy. In the same way that we can share moments of genuine happiness and satisfaction with our boyfriend or girlfriend, at other times there can be tension, conflicts and discussions that can cause the end of the relationship. Despite this reality,

there are not a few relationships that end up overcoming their bad streaks and acquire an increasing level of commitment, reaching the point where, as in the stories of a lifetime, they get married and have children.

But other relationships don't evolve this way. Although on many occasions they do not commit because both lovers want it that way, on other occasions it happens that one does want to have more intimacy, but the other simply does not share this opinion. Not only does he not want to, but you could say he has a commitment phobia. And in that "commitment" we are not only talking about declaring to get married and have children, but also about any form of commitment to another person, to be something more than two individuals holding relations.

Commitment phobia is common, especially when you have left a relationship that ended badly. It is difficult to talk about sentimental relationships that ended well, but in the few in which both leave it by mutual agreement it is inevitable that it leaves the occasional wound in the hearts of both, wounds that make you not want to reach any level of commitment with new partners for a while. Much less if the relationship ended catastrophically, of course it feeds such phobia even more.

Breakups can trigger many emotions and nurturing certain beliefs that predispose us to have an almost pathological fear of committing to potential new partners. It may have happened to you, so what follows may help you to better understand the root of such fear.

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What is commitment phobia?

But before talking about what are the particularities of commitment phobia after leaving a relationship, we must understand exactly what we mean by such a phobia. By itself, it implies a fear of establishing a long-term relationship, of any kind. It manifests itself in the form of a lot of anxiety, a feeling that fills the mind of the person presenting it with all kinds of worries, in this case about what could go wrong if they commit to a partner.

Committing to someone implies acquiring a higher level of intimacy, a degree of mutual knowledge. It involves connecting more with the person you say you are dating. Greater commitment equals more sacrifice for the relationship, but more benefits are also expected from the other person. If the person fears having to go through this step, through this sacrifice, despite the benefits that in principle would mean and what the other party expects of him, it is a matter of time before the relationship ends. Being afraid of commitment makes it difficult to maintain long-term relationships because, no matter how informal, if one of the lovers wants to go a little further and the other does not, the disagreement between the two will end up condemning the relationship. Characteristics of people with fear of commitment

Generalizing and giving universal characteristics about what people with commitment phobia are like is risky. Yes, it can be specified a bit when talking about the profile in which this fear is felt after having left a relationship, but even so, we must clarify that not all people with this fear of commitment behave in the same way. People are very varied, and so are relationships, and the way in which commitment phobia occurs in them varies according to the context.

We have those who, after having overcome a breakup, do not dare to enter a new relationship. They do not risk going out with anyone, even if they have a very informal relationship, limited to sexual relations and meeting from time to time. The fear is so great that they withdraw into themselves and do not seek new relationships. They may take out the good side, being this season without a partner something even therapeutic, a moment of reflection on why they fear commitment and recover the energy they spent on their relationship previous. Maybe after a while they dare to fall in love again.

Then we have the cases of people who try to hide the problem under the excuse that they are very demanding, that they are looking for their ideal love. As everyone, they have in their mind the idea of ​​their perfect partner, a prototype of a person that does not exist or that they will find it very difficult to find. People are not perfect and finding the so divinized better half is practically impossible.

However, these people do not have this idea in their heads and repeatedly refuse to commit to a new relationship, with the hope that one day the definitive couple will arrive and, also, avoiding what happened to them in the previous. His way of seeing love can be interpreted as a self-sabotage mechanism. Since that ideal love that they want so much never comes and they are not satisfied with the one they already have, they will never commit to a real relationship.

We also have the curious case of people who, on the surface, do not seem to have any fear of commitment. We are talking about those true conquerors in love, people who are successful whenever they intend to make a man or a woman fall in love. They are people who cannot be alone. This relationship is not out of a need to have someone who understands them, but more out of fear of being left without a partner. Nevertheless, when the relationship becomes serious, they feel confused and run away. And starting over, they look for a relationship again, but with the very fresh experience that the last one was bad.

Despite these different profiles of people with commitment phobia after having left a relationship, or that has predisposed it to break, we can find some thought patterns and feelings common:

• Difficulty making personal decisions due to fear of change
• High independence and fear of depending on someone
• Need to have everything under control
• Trouble expressing emotions
• feelings of insecurity
• Extreme need for freedom and fear of losing it
• discomfort with intimacy
• Not feeling comfortable sharing emotions

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Why are we afraid of commitment?

The fear of commitment is something shared by both men and women, despite the fact that this fear has historically been attributed to the male gender. The main cause of the phobia of committing to a partner is usually an almost pathological fear of losing independence and freedom, lose control over our life and feelings. Many fear that with commitment they end up giving up their own way of being, their personality.

But there is another explanation when this fear occurs right after leaving a relationship. Breakups are, to a lesser or greater extent, traumatic. Failing to share part of our time and life with someone always leaves a mark. It is inevitable that, after a failed relationship, one wonders if he is going to love and be loved again or if he will be able to achieve the same level of intimacy that he obtained in the previous relationship. It is also feared that, in case the previous relationship was broken by a betrayal, the same thing would happen in a new one. is feared put trust in someone who could do the same.

Fear is not negative in itself, but rather an alert mechanism that is activated when we perceive that something can harm us. There are a series of situations, places and moments in which we feel safe, something that makes up what we call our comfort zone. When we see this area in danger, fear appears, the fear that our comfort zone is going to change and with it our security is going to be destabilized. Any change can pose a threat to our stability, even if such change is positive.

When you meet someone new, a potential partner, you will have to do new things, meet their friends and family, change some habits... there will be changes, so many that it can be feared that by reaching a degree of commitment, you will end up leaving behind an entire life. A couple's relationship is, after all, a matter of two, both giving in in some aspects and making sacrifices. It is feared that, by connecting with another person, one will lose oneself and become dependent on another person.

There are people who have developed a strong sense of independence, which means that, even at an unconscious level, they reject the idea of ​​being linked to another person. Creating ties, even if they are invisible, implies tying oneself in one way or another to another human being and can be perceived as denying the essence of oneself. You are no longer one, you are part of a couple. Part of our personality is sacrificed by giving up our freedom, and if you still have the memory of the previous relationship very fresh this experience is even less motivating to go out with another person.

There are also cases who, having left a relationship, want to take advantage of their newfound freedom and not miss a single opportunity. Going out with a new partner would imply giving up one path to take the other, so they prefer embarking on shallow and very brief relationships with several people than not sticking with one thinking of long term. It is a mixture of phobia but also of desire for freedom, of avoid missing out on what they feel they lost while dating their previous partner. In these cases, the exclusive commitment to these people is overwhelming. They don't want to waste time at all.

Other times it happens that, with the experience of the previous failed relationship, they fear that if they propose commitment or reach a higher level of intimacy now the relationship will go wrong and they will suffer. In these cases, it happens that it is preferred to continue with the relationship at an informal level than not to reach a deeper level by giving everything. The problem with this is that, no matter how much agreement there is between the two parties that the relationship remains that way, the relationship does not advance, it does not evolve and it stagnates. It is a matter of time before that state is exhausted, and you have to decide between leveling up or ending the relationship.

And, without a doubt, the most intense commitment phobia is having a very bad relationship history. Having been through many, many failed relationships further fuels commitment phobia. If your last relationship has caused you a lot of damage and pain, you may generalize and attribute this unfortunate experience to all relationships. This makes him protect himself from love, which he considers as always harmful, and consequently from commitment. Often, they fear that they are not in the right relationship or that the other person will leave them without warning or simply make them suffer.