My partner does not listen to me: possible causes and what to do

It may be a common thought to notice that our partner does not listen to us, but... Have we valued if we express ourselves well and if we really communicate what we want?

On many occasions the problem is not just one; As in any process in which two people intervene, everything depends on what the two do. It will be necessary for the receiver to listen, but also for the sender to explain himself correctly. There are different variables that we can consider that will help us improve communication without blaming the other or without the situation leading to conflict.

In this article we will talk about the causes that may be behind the fact of not feeling heard in a courtship or marriage, and how to establish good communication with our partner.

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Does your partner not listen to you? Causes of communication problems

Good communication is a fundamental element in relationships, and even more so in relationships, where our purpose is to share life with that person and, therefore, to spend much of the time with her.

A) Yes, One of the most frequent causes of relationship problems, which can even lead to a breakup, is the lack of good communication. In couples therapy it is common for one person to say that they do not feel heard by the other and, as in many situations, tend to blame the other person, placing the problem on the other.

But many times the subject who transmits the message and who does not feel heard is also partly responsible for poor communication. It may be that we do not express ourselves well, that we do not use the right words, the right gestures, the optimal tone or simply that it is not the best time to communicate through words.

When we issue a message it is important that everything we express is coherent. Non-verbal information, gestures, posture and movement... Everything must be adapted to the verbal content that we transmit. We also have to consider paralinguistic aspects, such as the tone of voice or the rhythm of speech.

Sometimes we fall into the false belief that the other person must understand and know why we behave and we act in a specific way or know why we are angry, but this fact does not occur in most occasions. Therefore, the best option is to express what we don't like, say how we feel or what has made us angry. In this way we face the situation directly and give the possibility of fixing things and that the other person explain himself, because perhaps the problem is due only to the fact of not talking enough. enough.

Another point to take into account, related to the paralinguistic variable, is the bad intonation and way of expressing ourselves that we use. If we transmit the message but we do it with shouts and attacks, it is very likely that your partner will react the same and act defensively, thus entering into conflict and making it difficult to reach an agreement. agreement.

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How to establish healthy communication with your partner

Now that you know better what may be the reasons why your partner does not listen to us, that is, that there is a bad communication between you, we will go on to raise some strategies for better communication, ways to make the relationship healthier and persist.

And it is that having a healthy relationship does not mean not having differences, but having them and being able to face them to reach an understanding and thus be able to overcome them.

1. Practice active listening with the other person

For good communication it is as important to express yourself well as to listen; many times we forget to let the other person speak, we do not respect turns, thus making communication difficult.

We may have the feeling that our partner does not listen to us because we do not give him the opportunity to speak or transmit what he thinks, we have entered a loop of only speaking ourselves and not letting the other. Therefore, it is very difficult to feel heard if we do not.

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2. find the right time

When we have been with a person for a long time, when it is someone with whom we share a large part of our time, we know it well and we know when is the best time to talk or when it is better not to. As we have already said, communication is between two, so that if the person who should receive the message is not predisposed to it, the best option will be to wait and do everything possible to create the circumstances that allow to speak.

For example, if we know that our partner has a hard time waking up and getting active in the morning, It will be better to raise the conversation later after a few hours, so that it is more receptive

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3. Approach the situation calmly

In order for the message to reach the receiver properly, it is essential that we transmit it calmly.without yelling or insulting. We have to ensure that the other does not feel attacked, in order to achieve good communication, that our partner listens to us and achieve an understanding. On the contrary, if we attack we will only be able to create conflict and make the situation worse, without getting our partner to be willing to listen to us.

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4. Listening does not mean that they do what we want

We may confuse not listening to us with not doing what we want or not agreeing with us, but our partner may not listen but may not share our opinion or may not want to do what we say. At this point it will be essential to discuss things to understand how each one sees the facts or how the situation can be approached in order to reach an agreement, the reason does not lie with just one person.

5. be assertive

Being assertive is also an important characteristic if we want to establish good communication and for the other to listen to us. Assertiveness is defined as the ability to express how we feel and defend our rights without altering them or being aggressive, maintaining a balance between respect for oneself and the interlocutor. In this way and in relation to showing ourselves calm, we will try to expose and defend what we think, but without stepping on or despising the other, use your arguments and do not enter into confrontation.

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6. Think first what you want to say

In order to better express the message and really state what we want to convey, the best option is to first reflect on what we want to say and how we want to do it. If we spend some time before thinking about what we want to communicate to our partner, This will also help us to better understand how and why we feel this way. and we will give ourselves time to reflect and express ourselves in the best possible way without acting impulsively and emitting unconnected ideas.

Each person can use different techniques, for example it may be useful to write on a piece of paper what points you want to raise so that you do not forget or talk about it before with someone you trust to see how we express it externally and they can give us their opinion.

7. express what you feel

We cannot expect our partner to guess how we feel or understand us if we do not express ourselves. It is common to believe that other people will see or perceive things the same as us, or that with a gesture we make they will already understand us, but normally this will not happen like this, it will be better then to really communicate what we want, without double intentions, without expecting the other to interpret it another way.

For example, instead of spending a whole day without speaking to our partner because we believe that he does not listen to us, it will be better raise the question directly, express why we feel or see it that way and that he can also give his point of view view.

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8. Appreciate the good things too

We tend to pose questions in general or absolute terms, stating that our partner does not listen to us, but surely there are times when we do achieve adequate communication; Let's try to reinforce these situations, look at what elements help it to happen correctly. It is better to present it as a behavior that happens sometimes, since the use of terms such as "never" usually leads to rejection, are poorly received and are likely to be less sympathetic and less cooperative.

9. Our partner is not our enemy

An idea that we must bear in mind is that our partner is not our enemy, that is, even if we feel that he does not listen to us or If any other difference arises, we must bear in mind that neither he nor we do it with the intention of hurting the other. Many times the situation is complicated by not speaking, since if we do, it is very likely that we will realize that at no time did the other intend to harm us.