Can you move forward in a relationship after infidelity?

After accompanying, on a professional level, couples who come to consultation with the need to heal a fragmented bond due to infidelity On the part of one of the two, I can say that there are ways to rebuild the bond, the trust.

But the road is long, and not all couples are willing to walk this path. Along the way, many couples decide to simply drop out.

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The meaning of infidelity

To begin with, it is important to give focus and meaning to what fidelity means in Western terms; in this way we will be able to weave the meaning of this fault in a punishing and accusing culture.

Let's understand the meaning. Infidelity is the choice that goes against those implicit and explicit agreements that make up the bond. This action does not refer to the merely sexual; the carnal encounter in the plane of an infidelity it is only one of the several causes that formulate this reality.

Whatever the fundamental cause of infidelity, yes or yes it generates pain in those who experience it, and

This suffering is mitigated to a greater or lesser extent depending on the expectations, the projects and, above all, the culture that accompanies them.. Still, it causes pain.

I have always thought that fidelity is a conscious choice that is sustained from the bond and that transcends the merely physical. What happens then when all your expectations are placed on that other, who becomes your everything, your meaning, your profound reason and your only truth; And then the infidelity appears? A betrayal that generates deep trauma in the relationship. But it is not only limited to the relationship, it also confronts you with what you are as a human being; with your concept, with your image, with your value as a person, with your ego.

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the key question

It is time to ask yourself if the agreements were really so clear that they have led to a wrong interpretation on the part of our partner regarding infidelity and its limits.

After understanding the scope of infidelity, the question arises: Is it worth continuing to build with that person who has transgressed the limits of my trust and my commendation? In this question, many elements will come into play, such as: the family, the projects, the dreams and interests that they have with the other... But above all, the question must be determined by the Self. For my personal value and for what the bond means to me in relation to my personal intentions; Only from this place is it possible to build and come to an agreement with oneself in the face of what we choose.

In our system we have a deeply rooted sense of unity, which is why we frequently we sink into the desire to maintain, sometimes, unsustainable relationships; but this we understand after going through the pain of betrayal as many times as possible.

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In therapy

Couples who come to therapy with the illusion of finding forgiveness and giving meaning to trust, bond and their relationship, they face an uncomfortable, harsh and sometimes even disintegrated reality that calls us to order, and it is precisely therapy, the act of talking about the uncomfortable, of putting on the table what we avoid as much as possible because it calls us to the responsibility of taking care of ourselves. In an act of responsibility and others of despair, we find ourselves sitting there in front of a third party in whom I put all the illusion of reintegrating my most basic sense of humanity.

Meeting after meeting they begin to recognize, depending on the therapeutic focus that the professional manages to intertwine in his speech and in his behavior, the channels of introspection necessary so that from the individuality the responsibility that one has with the other appears, and thus understand that it takes more than communication, projection, meaning, love, recognition to make a relationship sustainable.

This navigation leads the couple to ask themselves different questions and to integrate the purpose so that the system is adequate. Agreements can never lead us to make resignations, nor to assume burdens that are not natural, nor to demand inappropriate changes. A couple relationship must be a perfect balance between two people who choose each other as a life project.

In that sense, the therapeutic space allows you to integrate your desires, my desires, your limits, my limits and our relational agreement.

Only the therapeutic movement leveraged by the psychic movement of each of the consultants that make up the couple manages to make us move forward; not mobilized by the ego, but by love itself. Then it is possible to speak of a reconciliation, that is, a new review of what we are as individuals in a couple system.

As a specialist couples therapist I seek to reach agreements sustained by love, recognition and above all respect. I seek to integrate the individuality of being in a system that operates in an environment. I seek to blur the guilt to focus on the responsibility for the care of the other. I seek that the elevated conscience allows me to choose with criteria and act in honor of that. I am looking for a closure that only has two ways out: elect us again or thank us for what we were, generate learning and continue.

It takes a lot of courage to choose.

It takes courage to face discomfort.

Determination is needed to believe, trust and build in a short-term, ephemeral, conditioned and temporary world.