Doubts before marriage: why they appear, and what to do

Doubts before marriage It is a more normal phenomenon than we think.

In this article we will see what are the possible causes of this psychological state of anxiety and uncertainty, and what we can do to manage it.

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Why do doubts arise before marriage?

It is true that in couple relationships in which a wedding is planned, fidelity prevails above all, but having nerves and ask questions in the weeks leading up to the wedding It is part of the need to think about everything that involves changing your lifestyle.

And it is that the implications of being someone's husband or wife go beyond the sphere of love: it actually means changing your marital status before the State, make longer-term plans, be perceived by others as a person who spends time with his family, and in many cases experience more pressure to have children.

Definitely, there are different reasons why doubts may arise before getting married. Let's see which are the most common.

1. Uncertainty about coexistence

In many cases, getting married means consolidating a lifestyle in which you live with your partner on a daily basis, for many months without interruption. This can be problematic for some people used to seeing their partner more intermittently.

In this way, the wedding acts as a symbolic beginning of a period of life in which the other person will always be there. And that means adapting to another vital phase, which is a challenge.

2. Social pressure for not breaking up

Doubts before marriage are also a response to the social pressure that is experienced once you have gone down the aisle; Fundamentally, the environment of married people expects them not to divorce or separate.

Although divorce is legally possible, that does not imply that being divorced or not is the same in the eyes of others; in the best cases, a separation of this type generates disappointment and sadness in others, and in the worst cases, it also produces stigmatization.

For this reason, many people who are going to get married they don't just think about their relationship with the person they love; they also think about the possible impact on their family and circle of friends that a divorce or separation would have.

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3. Doubts about whether you are prepared

Both future wives and future husbands often wonder if they are ready to get married, in a broad sense that does not only have to do with daily living with the other person. Married life is glorified to such an extent that it acquires an almost mystical status, as if only Those who have gone through certain experiences and reflections could try to pass to that phase of life.

This is partly true, but the importance of previous experience should not be exaggerated; in many ways, you learn to be married as you go.

4. premonitory thoughts

Due to that idealization of marriage that we have seen before, some people fear the premonitory moments that may indicate that the married relationship has no future.

Since becoming married is seen as something very important, it is very easy for many people to associate the idea of ​​​​the future wedding with others. events that are happening to them, so that they interpret apparently banal situations as premonitions that getting married would be a mistake. And this, of course, raises doubts before marriage.

5. opportunity cost

Being married predisposes us not to be seduced by other people in a romantic or sexual sense, if we follow a traditional monogamous model. This makes getting married have an opportunity cost; while you are with that person, you miss out on opportunities to meet other potential lovers or even potential husbands and wives, over time.

And, sometimes, the doubt that unleashes this idea is: "Do I know for sure that my partner is the best thing that can happen to me?" Not having much experience having boyfriends or girlfriends predisposed to ask this question.

What to do to manage the doubts before getting married?

These are some tips about what we can do to avoid letting doubts before marriage play against our psychological well-being.

1. take some time and think

This is the first and most important step; you have to search physically situations in which to reflect calmly: parks and natural sites are especially recommended.

2. classify your motives

The second tip about what to do when in doubt before the wedding has to do with order the ideas: what are the causes of these doubts? Do they all point in one direction, or in several?

For example, it is not the same to ask yourself questions about whether you are ready to get married, than to ask yourself questions about whether the other person is the right one. The second has much more draft.

3. Avoid Manichean thinking

We must avoid judging our thoughts and ideas in a very morally rigid way; In a person there can be partly contradictory thoughts among themselves, and that is normal.

4. Consider if you are doing it all by inertia

Do you really want to get married, or is it all because you've given in to pressure from others? If the latter happens, That doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship.. It is not only that it is legitimate to postpone the moment of getting married; In addition, it is not even mandatory to get married to show love.

5. Ask yourself if you have done something that constitutes infidelity

In relationships, infidelity is a sign that there are conflicts to be resolved, or a lack of commitment to the relationship that cannot be covered by more layers of apparent commitment (in this case, a wedding). In the face of infidelities, you have to reformulate the relationship, and In many cases it is advisable to attend couples therapy.

6. Discard magical thinking

Precognitive thoughts must be flatly rejected; they are a simple illusion fueled by anxiety. Keeping this in mind is very important.

Bibliographic references:

• Gu R., Huang Y.X., Luo Y.J. (2010). "Anxiety and feedback negativity". Psychophysiology. 47 (5): 961 - 7.
• Hartley C.A., Phelps E.A. (2012). "Anxiety and decision-making". Biological Psychiatry. 72 (2): 113 - 8.